Consideration for the betrayed wife

Amazing how so many of the “not married” guys have a deep, insightful understanding about something they have either never tried, or have failed at miserably. Not exactly the crowd I would look to for insight on what does or does not work well. Well maybe some examples of what does not work.

So long as the argument is defined in WU’s overly simplistic terms—that whether one sees escorts in secret is the ONLY important thing to a good marriage—then there is really no grounds for a serious discussion about the topic. Might as well try to explain the expanding universe while insisting gravity is the ONLY force that is in play.

To all the sanctimonious law breakers on here, I really do not believe that anyone on here is saying that a married man spending time with escorts without their wife’s knowledge is good. But unlike a few of you, many of us—married and unmarried alike—understand that any serious interpersonal relationship is multi-dimensional, and essentially no relationship will be perfect in every dimension at all times.

To argue that a person is weak, evil, or a coward because they do not see THEIR complex reality from YOUR overly simplistic moral set of rules is, truly, a joke. Divorce is a chain saw, not a scalpel. It breaks many aspects of a relationship, not just one. But conveniently you only see one that you claim is always and in every situation predominant over all others combined. What some of the people here are telling you is that your priorities do not fit theirs. And what I hold is—contrary to your dogmatic view—that does not make them evil or cowards. I have seen too many men (and in at least one case, woman) who has sacrificed far more to keep a marriage together because for them, the parts that are good outweigh the parts that are not. You are an arrogant egotistical blowhard if you believe you, not knowing them in any way, are appropriate to judge whether their subjective decision is right or wrong, brave or cowardly. Actually, that is exactly what you have pontificated.

It is precisely one dimensional judgments like yours that create religious intolerance, racial genocide, and many other forms of hate: “if they don’t believe in my religion they can be killed in a jihad or a crusade”, “if they are not of my heritage they need to be ethnically cleansed”, or “if they are of that skin color they belong on the other side of the tracks”. Just that one fact. Just that one aspect of a multi-faceted human being. But for the simplistic mind that one aspect blinds them to any chance of seeing the far more complex reality that makes up a human. And interpersonal relationships are even more complex than that. Whether on a personal level, community level, or national level one-dimensional logic is almost always flawed. But the simple minded do like it, it doesn’t hurt their brains. Originally Posted by Old-T

Well said.

all of it?

i think he confuses judge and criticize

i personally criticize the fuck out of liars and cheats

i'm openminded. except about the part where deception is cool. lie to me and we done. why you don't respect your old lady enough to be straight up? Originally Posted by HammockedHank

To my knowledge, no one has once stated that "deception is cool." To the contrary, most (all?) are conceding its a horrible thing. We're just saying stop judging/criticizing/whatever-you-want-to-label-it-so-you-don't-feel-like-a-bigot: you have no right. Your hands are no cleaner. ... (I think I said this before) kind of a "he who has not sinned should cast the first stone" mentality.

Look at him now...he's starting to realize just how fucked up his entire line of reasoning is, but he's still unwilling to confront it...

Now cheating is a "horrible thing"...he realizes it...but instead of correcting it, he's just asking others (including the wives they're married to) not to judge the men who do it...

Yeah...good luck with that...

Old T..... You know I respect your opinion even though I may not agree with you. I haven't read all of the replies here and this may have been asked but I'm gonna ask you myself because I want to.

Do you believe that no one can have an understanding of marriage unless they've been married?

Also do you not feel a man should be honest and open with his wife?

Do you believe that no one can have an understanding of marriage unless they've been married?
Originally Posted by Eccie Addict

not one he wants to hear about. he only wants opinions from guys are now married. and on a hooker board. which means they cheating. except for guys like earlier poster had enough balls to tell his old lady. which mean the rest agree with old t cause they just like him.

like talking civil rights at a kkk meet. a lot of fools nodding heads. pats all around.

It's amazing, I never thought I would find so many forms of God on a hooker board....

Old T..... You know I respect your opinion even though I may not agree with you. I haven't read all of the replies here and this may have been asked but I'm gonna ask you myself because I want to.

Do you believe that no one can have an understanding of marriage unless they've been married?

Also do you not feel a man should be honest and open with his wife? Originally Posted by Eccie Addict

EA,

Thanks for asking-I will try to answer both questions.

First, I absolutely believe someone who is not currently married can still understand how complex and multifaceted marriage can be. It just so happens that on this thread the guys who are the most vocal about dogmatically condemning married guys are also very vocal that they themselves are NOT married. Worse, some act as if that somehow makes their position MORE morally sound, and makes them MORE expert on how others should conduct their marriages. The older I live, the fewer things I believe should be the realm of dogma and the more fall into "it depends".

Some single guys probably agree with Wakeup, some probably agree with my perspective, many likely differ from both of us. My point was that SOME single guys almost sound threatened by other guys who stay married-thus they feel obliged to call them cowards, moral bankrupt, etc. THAT I actually find darkly humorous, especially since at least one new member (HH) is accusing me of being dogmatically rigid when in fact my whole point is that everyone's moccasins are different and broad blanket condemnation-or approval-rarely is justified.

Second, Sketch, I, and probably others have all acknowledged that IN ISOLATION being honest with a spouse (or anyone else) is good, and deception is bad. But not all "bad" things are created equal. Some bad things are trumped by more important aspects of a relationship. Most relationships in life cannot be accurately diagnosed one attribute at a time in isolation. Except for the most casual encounters passing each other in the street, interpersonal qualities do NOT occur in isolation. In my mind, while deception may be wrong, there are often other aspects of a marriage that for those people, are more important. Sometimes, not always. That is the crux of the argument and something I do not presume to know about "their" particular situation. If I don't know their situation I don't feel comfortable calling the man a coward and worse. And I think those that do so simplistically judge are wrong.

WU has brought this up multiple times before, always with the same result. I have given him real world examples--ones where I have seen where the morally correct action was for the husband to neither tell the wife of his activities, nor divorce her. He unilaterally denies such examples exist. I believe it is a personal, individual reality that is the business of the two people involved-that sometimes openness is the right approach, sometimes divorce, sometimes neither. I refuse to judge in most cases since I am not privy to the actuality of their relationship. He believes he can judge without need to know the circumstances.

Hopefully this explains my views. If you have further questions please feel free to ask-here or in a PM.

Again, thanks for asking.

O-T

From what I have seen, a provider already has a difficult enough life without you trying to hang an unjustified guilt trip on her head.

Any man who strays from his wife already has unresolved issues and the provider he sees is only a means of release not the cause.

. . .If your friend is as beautiful as you say then she should not have much problem finding someone else who would be satisfied with what she has to offer. Both parties must be satisfied for a marriage to work and that is why the majority of marriages do not work out.
Originally Posted by Fast Gunn

Thank you Fast Gunn! A providers life can have a lot of ups and downs.. I'm sorry this woman found her husband cheating. Men voyage out for so many reasons not just bored with wife's performance. My hobbyist know they can contact me even if it's just to lend an ear to them.


Xox0

What kind of pity party is this!? First and foremost, we providers don't call these men.. They call us! Secondly, that sad wife that's so heartbroken because she found out her husband cheated on her with an escort.. .. After she knew he was addicted to porn and then took to next level... Where was she at when she seen his interest was peaking? What did she do?? She just ignored the red flags of her husband needs?? And now wants a pity party?! Umm denied! I've been on both sides of the fences and this doesn't surprise me because most women feel so devastated when she felt as tho her marriage was Oh so happy and now reality kicked it... And now not so happier ever after huh? Or maybe he's the bread winner and now she has to get a job and not be a lazy woman playing on Facebook lol etc .. Or maybe she did something that caused him to be turned off with her and found other women a turn on! Bottom line... That said husband has lost his emotional connection to his wife... Way before he even jumped on the web and the wife failed to realize that and did nothing about it! No one is to blame. For better or for worse... For thick and then... For sickness and health! Live by ur vowels!! And maybe that should be a wake up call for her to repair the damage they both done! If it's truly love! Marriage is a responsibility! Marriage is bond! Marriage is a journey! Marriage takes total. Commitment and dedication on both ends! Only the strong survives!!!

Just wondered if any providers considered NOT having sex with married gentlemen? My best friend found out her hubby cheated with an escort, and it totally ruined her life. She is a beautiful, loving woman whose husband got addicted to porn and took it to the next level, and she doesn't deserve the pain and devastation this has brought on her and her children. It was totally wrong for said hubby to betray her this way, but I wondered if providers ever think about the damage they do to others with their sexual dalliances with married men. It is really sad that women care so little about the hearts of others as to help break them. Originally Posted by Loonygirl

What kind of pity party is this!? First and foremost, we providers don't call these men.. They call us! Secondly, that sad wife that's so heartbroken because she found out her husband cheated on her with an escort.. .. After she knew he was addicted to porn and then took to next level... Where was she at when she seen his interest was peaking? What did she do?? She just ignored the red flags of her husband needs?? And now wants a pity party?! Umm denied! I've been on both sides of the fences and this doesn't surprise me because most women feel so devastated when she felt as tho her marriage was Oh so happy and now reality kicked it... And now not so happier ever after huh? Or maybe he's the bread winner and now she has to get a job and not be a lazy woman playing on Facebook lol... Or maybe she did something that caused him to be turned off with her and found other women a turn on! Bottom line... That said husband has lost his emotional connection to his wife... Way before he even jumped on the web and the wife failed to realize that and did nothing about it! No one is to blame. For better or for worse... For thick and then... For sickness and health! Live by ur vowels she took! And maybe that should be a wake up call for her to repair the damage they both done! If it's truly love! Marriage is a responsibility! Marriage is bond! Marriage is a journey! Marriage takes total. Commitment and dedication on both ends! Only the strong survives!!! Originally Posted by Dr. Vanity

Well stated!

I have given him real world examples--ones where I have seen where the morally correct action was for the husband to neither tell the wife of his activities, nor divorce her. Originally Posted by Old-T

Hahahahahahahahahaha