Tell me a joke!!!!!!!

A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?" "That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you stick your little finger in it, wiggle it around, and then pull it out, which feels better—your ear or your finger?

My wife and I went to the fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at were the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR". My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled, and said 'He mated fifty times last year'.
We walked to the second pen which had a sign that said 'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'. My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him'.
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign that read "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR". My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs and said, "That's once a day, you could REALLY learn something from this one".
I looked at her and said, "go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow".

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors think I'll be able to walk again after lots of therapy.

A boy comes up to the whore house and says to the madam, "I wanna get laid."

"What do you know about getting laid," asks the madam

"Well the guy sticks his thing in her thing and then moves it in and out," stated the boy

"You're too young for that little boy," she replied, "Go home and practice on a knot hole in a tree. and come back when you are older."

Next year the lad comes back to the whore house and again says, "I wanna get laid."

The madam again tells him he is too young and to go and keep practicing on the knot hole in a tree.

Each year the boy keeps coming back and the madam keeps telling him to go home and practice on a knot hole in a tree.

Finally the boy turns 18 and heads to the whore house. "I wanna get laid," says the boy.

The madam looks him up and down and says, "OK, I'm going to pop your cherry myself".

They head up to the room and get undressed. The madam lays on the bed with her legs spread. The boy hesitates, then goes to the closet and grabs a broom. Before the madam can get up he shoves the handle of the broom up her pussy and starts stirring it around.

"What the hell are you doing," cries that madam

"Checking for squirrels," says the boy......

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, 'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, 'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'

Buddy replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!

Yo momma

You can figure out the punchline.

Since Kaylen started this thread....
Kaylen is on a cruise when the ship sinks. She washes up on a desserted island with this guy who she recognizes from ECCIE. After writing the ubiquitous "HELP" in the sand, they begin the process of survival. Kaylen and this dude have been there for several weeks, when one night they were sitting aournd the fire and Kaylen says to the guy, "You know, I don't think we're gonna be rescued anytime soon, and I'm feeling really horny, and..., well, you know." She says with her evil grin. The guys says, "Oh fuck yes!"
So they go at it like drunk monkeys.
Afterward, they are once again around the fire, and the guys says, "Kaylen, I know this is a little weird, but would you so something for me?"
Kaylen, always the open minded one says, "Sure baby, whatever you want".
The guys says, "Would you take some of these ashes from the fire and smear them over your upper lip and call yourself John?"
Kaylen thinks, "WTF?" but always open to new shit, reaches into the ashes, smears a long black streak over her lip, and says, "Hi, I'm John".
The guy reaches over and punches her in the arm and says,
"John, guess whose fucking me for free!"

now I like that... to funny.. thanks babe.

Since Kaylen started this thread....
Kaylen is on a cruise when the ship sinks. She washes up on a desserted island with this guy who she recognizes from ECCIE. After writing the ubiquitous "HELP" in the sand, they begin the process of survival. Kaylen and this dude have been there for several weeks, when one night they were sitting aournd the fire and Kaylen says to the guy, "You know, I don't think we're gonna be rescued anytime soon, and I'm feeling really horny, and..., well, you know." She says with her evil grin. The guys says, "Oh fuck yes!"
So they go at it like drunk monkeys.
Afterward, they are once again around the fire, and the guys says, "Kaylen, I know this is a little weird, but would you so something for me?"
Kaylen, always the open minded one says, "Sure baby, whatever you want".
The guys says, "Would you take some of these ashes from the fire and smear them over your upper lip and call yourself John?"
Kaylen thinks, "WTF?" but always open to new shit, reaches into the ashes, smears a long black streak over her lip, and says, "Hi, I'm John".
The guy reaches over and punches her in the arm and says,
"John, guess whose fucking me for free!" Originally Posted by lawyerinjeans

Guy: why did the rooster cross the road?
Lady: don't know why?
Guy: to get to the chicks house. Lol

Guy: knock knock
Lady: who's there
Guy: the rooster lol

Have you heard of the garlic diet?
You don't lose much weight, but from a distance
your friends think you look thinner.

a little boy is walking to school, and everyday he walks past a whore house. one day he walks past and there is a lady on the porch he waves and says hello.

too which she waves her pinky at the kid and says hi little boy

puzzled as to why she does this shrugs it off and continues onto school

for weeks the boy passes the house and same thing every time

hi little boy waving her pinky at him perplexed still he continues on to school

the next day he walks past and same response he finally decides to ask her why she waves her pinky at him and says hi little boy

the prostitute on the porch replied well I figure your dick is no bigger than my pinky

the boy finally knows why now on to school

the following day he is walking to school past the house the whore waves her pinky hi little boy


the boy stops in his tracks with two finger on each side of his mouth pulls it open as wide as he can stretch it and yells hi lady

Three guys sitting In a bar having drink one evening when a gorgeous young lady walks in alone and sits at the bar. First guy tells his two friends " I am going to buy her a drink and see if I can take her home" He goes to the bar buys the lady a drink and after a few moments she slaps him and he comes back to the table with his friends. Second friend says to first guy "bet I can have better luck than you" and goes to the bar and sits next to her. After a few moments she slaps him and he returns to the table. Third guy tells his two friends "I bet you two I can go to the bar and not say a word to her and she will leave and go home with me" The two friends readily take the bet and the third guy gets up walks to the bar is only there for a moment and the lady gets up and follows him out the door. Two friends go up to the bar and ask the bartender what their friend had said to the lady and bartender replied "I didn't hear him say anything, he just licked his eyebrows"

Little Johnny came into the classroom crying.

"What happened Johnny," asked the teacher.

"I was walking to school with my dog," said Johnny, "when we were crossing the street a car came along and hit my dog right in asshole."

"Now, now Johnny, not asshole, but rectum," the teacher replied.

"Rectum," said Johnny, "It nearly kilt him!"