Let me help you

How to pick up a cat:

1. Gain a Cat's Trust
   
   
   
   
2. Get to know the cat first. Let them sniff and rub you.
3. Read How to Act When Meeting a Strange Cat and follow its suggestions.
4. Ask the owner if their cat enjoys being picked up. If they're from a shelter or are strays, you'll have to take a chance. You might want to wear a long sleeved shirt in case they scratch.
5. With one hand, pick the cat up underneath their front legs, holding the ribs. Try not to jostle the front legs too much, or force them into any particular position. They'll move however they want to.
6. With your other hand, slide your hand down the cat's rump and lift the cat's hind legs and put them in the crook of your lifting arm.
7. Hold the cat near your body to support it. A cat will feel more secure and safe if it has your lap, arms and body surrounding and supporting it.
8. Stand or sit still for a few moments before attempting to move while holding the cat.
9. Release the cat by bending close to the ground and unfurling your arms. If possible, place the cat's rear feet on the ground first.
   
   
   
   

Tips

• If the kitty is uncooperative and you need to get her somewhere, try using the scruff of her neck. Although this is how her mom picked her up, you will still want to keep her back legs supported.
• Do steps five through seven in one smooth motion.
• Some cats simply do not like being picked up. Don't force it. In that case, pick up the cat only when it's necessary, like for taking it to the vet, and perhaps once a week, just so he/she doesn't associate being picked up with the vet.

Warnings

• Don't pick up a cat without getting to know it a bit first, and never pick up a stray or wild cat. It could send you to the ER with scratches and bleeding.
• Always remember the dangers of being bitten and scratched.
• If you are scratched, wash it out with soap and water, and use a topical antibiotic. A cat's paws are not very sanitary.
• Picking up a cat by the scruff is highly unrecommended. The cat can be seriously injured if not picked up by the scruff correctly, and so can you, for this position gives the cat much space to turn around and bite/scratch you.
• Do not hold the cat on their back in a baby position. This makes the cat feel insecure and trapped, and it might panic and end up scratching you. Always hold the cat in an upright position against your body for a more secure hold. (Unless you know from a long term experience that the cat does not mind being held on their back.)Cats are temperamental.

Now for a slightly different twist:



How to pick up a hooktard:

1. Gain a hooktard's Trust
   
   
   
   
2. Get to know the hooktard first. Let them sniff and rub you.
3. Read How to Act When Meeting a Strange hooktard and follow its suggestions.
4. Ask the owner if their hooktard enjoys being picked up. If they're from a shelter or are strays, you'll have to take a chance. You might want to wear a long sleeved shirt in case they scratch.
5. With one hand, pick the hooktard up underneath their front legs, holding the ribs. Try not to jostle the front legs too much, or force them into any particular position. They'll move however they want to.
6. With your other hand, slide your hand down the hooktard's rump and lift the hooktard's hind legs and put them in the crook of your lifting arm.
7. Hold the hooktard near your body to support it. A hooktard will feel more secure and safe if it has your lap, arms and body surrounding and supporting it.
8. Stand or sit still for a few moments before attempting to move while holding the hooktard.
9. Release the hooktard by bending close to the ground and unfurling your arms. If possible, place the hooktard's rear feet on the ground first.
   
   
   
   

Tips

• If the hooktard is uncooperative and you need to get her somewhere, try using the scruff of her neck. Although this is how her mom picked her up, you will still want to keep her back legs supported.
• Do steps five through seven in one smooth motion.
• Some hooktards simply do not like being picked up. Don't force it. In that case, pick up the hooktard only when it's necessary, like for taking it to the vet, and perhaps once a week, just so he/she doesn't associate being picked up with the vet.

Warnings

• Don't pick up a hooktard without getting to know it a bit first, and never pick up a stray or wild hooktard. It could send you to the ER with scratches and bleeding.
• Always remember the dangers of being bitten and scratched.
• If you are scratched, wash it out with soap and water, and use a topical antibiotic. A hooktard's paws are not very sanitary.
• Picking up a hooktard by the scruff is highly unrecommended. The hooktard can be seriously injured if not picked up by the scruff correctly, and so can you, for this position gives the hooktard much space to turn around and bite/scratch you.
• Do not hold the hooktard on their back in a baby position. This makes the hooktard feel insecure and trapped, and it might panic and end up scratching you. Always hold the hooktard in an upright position against your body for a more secure hold. (Unless you know from a long term experience that the hooktard does not mind being held on their back.) Hooktards are temperamental.

Cats Rules Of Life

Although cats are the best and most wonderful creatures on this planet, they are quite bizzare... After Conspiring with the Cats Association for Taking over Earth (CATE), I have managed to steal some Top Secret information about the mysterious the guardians of the underworld. This is their rules of life (that every cat MUST stick to) in order to take over the world! But how these rules will help to achieve their objectives still remains a total mystery to humans.

BATHROOMS:
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare but occasionally rub their legs.

DOORS:
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand looking sad at the humans. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS:
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a humans bare foot or expensive clothing.

HAMPERING:
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering:"

• When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
• For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
• For paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work as possible or at least. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. Bite when you're moved on.
• When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to jump.
• MOST IMPORTANT When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard and write a short story. Bat at mouse pointer on screen as if it were real. Then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

WALKING:
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their co-ordination skills.

BEDTIME:
Always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around. Even better- lie on his or hers face, making sure your arse is right on their nose. When she is wearing an expensive silk nightie, don't forget to paw it. This will create lovely patterns!

LITTER BOX:
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes. The smell is also very attractive.

HIDING:
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you for a few days. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

SLEEPING:
In order to have enough energy for playing, a cat must get plenty of sleep (at least 16 hours per day). It is generally not difficult to find a comfortable place to curl up. Any place a human likes to sit is good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color.
If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the better. Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and previous weather conditions such as rain. Open windows are a good compromise.

HUMANS:
Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and give attention to us, and to clean the litter box. It is important to maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not forget who is the master of the house. Humans need to know basic rules. They can be taught if you start early and are consistent. You will then have a smooth-running household.

FOOD:
In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun. The other half is getting the food. Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are starving to death and must be fed NOW; and hunting for it oneself. The following are guidelines for getting fed.

1. When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your tail in their dishes when they are not looking.
2. Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the table.
3. Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full enough to drink from.
4. Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite to attempt to get to know it. Be insistent -- your food will usually not be so polite and try to leave.
5. Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are unfortunately unwilling to readily part. It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will, but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't forget you exist. These include, but are not limited to: jumping onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying down in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the Direct Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while meowing plaintively.

Don't be a copy cat, we can personalize your fur...be the envy of pussies everywhere
*fake fur extra








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Today's featured showcase (Pussy of the day) goes to Sugar in Boston.

Congrats Sugar

Boston cat unscathed after fall from 19-story building

March 23, 2012.

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A four-year-old cat, Sugar, survived a fall from the 19th floor of an apartment… (Wendy Maeda/Globe Staff)


A Boston cat made a “purrfect” landing -- on her feet, of course -- emerging mostly unscathed after falling 19 stories from her owner’s high-rise apartment.
A woman on the second floor of the building at 10 Emerson Place in the West End saw something fall past her window Wednesday afternoon and ran to see what it was, said Brian O’Connor, rescue services manager for the Animal Rescue League of Boston.
Looking down, the woman saw a white cat directly below. The cat, named Sugar, had landed on a soft patch of grass and mulch and appeared to be fine.






The woman called the lobby, and several people went to usher Sugar inside. They also contacted the Rescue League. They first thought it had fallen from a 6th-story window that was open above where the cat landed.
A closer look revealed that Sugar had suffered some bruising on her lungs, but other than that she was unharmed.
Using a microchip embedded in the animal, the ARL was able to contact her owner, who was at work.
“When she told us she lived on the 19th floor, we were pretty blown away,” said O’Connor.
Sugar landed on the soft patch, which was surrounded by concrete and not far from traffic-heavy Storrow Drive.
“It literally landed in the best spot it could have,” he said.
O’Connor said that because Sugar fell from such a high altitude, she was able to adjust and fall correctly, landing right on her feet and avoiding serious injury. He said the fact she landed on the soft patch was probably just chance.

Chance?
Everyone knows cats can fly.

Finally!!

Grow Your Own Kitty

From the fertile San Fernando Valley comes the all new Compressed-Kitty Plant Disc! This innovative product allows you to easily grow a kitty of your very own in almost no time. Merely place the disc in the pot provided and add water. Like magic a full-grown kitty will sprout up and be a wonderful addition to your home and/or garden. Available wherever fine products are sold.





..
Supermarkets To Offer Packaged Cats

Many supermarket chains have decided to start offering packaged cats along with their other goods. "They're cute, people like them and they have a decent shelf-life," says Costmore manager Joe Gato. "We plan to feature them on the pet food aisle, so that people can pick up a fresh cat or two along with the other items on their lists." Stores expect this innovative concept will have cats flying off the shelves.






Elsewhere in the world

Catastrophe Strikes On Old Hwy 99

Although no serious injuries were reported, passengers were shaken up and drooled on when Fluffy, a giant mutant cat, got ahold of their automobile. "She doesn't mean any real harm," said owner Doris Mae Hairleggings, "it's just her way of playing." Fluffy was enticed to give up the vehicle and its passengers when Mrs. Hairleggings tempted her with a bale of catnip and a whole tuna. No charges will be filed.

Copyright? What??? Has someone already thought of this?

Do I need to protect my intellectual property? Originally Posted by boardman

You may have legal issues.

The above is how kitties should dealt with.

Three sides gets all butt hurt when y'all encourage me.

He'd really be pissed if he knew how much free pussy I get.

Not nearly as pissed as would Mr."Why I don't get?" - Anaconda Modtard status notwithstanding. ijs

Good news...Our 501C3 finally got approved.

... approved... Originally Posted by boardman

That bread needs some peanut and jelly.

How to Talk to a Cat(Some fucktards in KC could use this lesson...IJS)

Communication between two species that do not speak the same language is not easy. However, you can learn to speak yourcat's language and help your cat understand what you're trying to communicate to him. By watching for your cat's signals and body language and practicing some communication techniques of your own, you can bridge the communication gap between you and your cat. Read on to learn more. How to Talk to Your Cat

1. • 1 Learn what a cat's meow pitch indicates. A low-pitch meow means your cat is complaining about something. A cat uses a mid-pitched meow to indicate that it wants or needs something. A high-pitch meow is a communication of anger or pain.
   • 2 Watch a cat's tails for communication of his mood. He will point his tail straight upright when he is happy and arch its back slightly when he is curious. A slight twitching back and forth means he is getting irritated and rapid twitching means he is angry or intent on getting something. A tail between the legs indicates your cat is frightened or insecure.
   • 3 Use repetitive language when trying to establish communication with a cat. Say the same word or phrase over and over while performing the same action helps your cat associate the word with the action. Keeping the same tone and using different tones for different actions is also important. The tone is as important as the words.
   • 4 Pick words with a strong "e" sound at the end or add the "e" sound to words. Cats respond better to "e" sounds better than any other sound humans can make.
   • 5 Speak firmly to your cat but do not yell when they've misbehaved. Yelling frightens the cat and doesn't allow for any communication as to what she has done wrong to get through. Saying a firm "NO" while physically stopping the cat from doing the undesired action is more effective communication.