Stupid Jokes Thread

A man runs in to a bar waving a revolver and says, "I am going to shoot the son of a bitch that is banging my wife!"

From the back of the bar someone yells, "You're gonna need more bullets!"

A man logs onto the welcome wagon and claims to be new to Killeen and new to ECCIE, but in his third post talks about having people banned from "OUR FORUM" HAHAHA. That was funny.

Hey ladies you know how to keep your man from drowning? Take your foot off of his head

What does a stripper do with her asshole before going to work?

A: She drops him off at band practice!

LMAO! You all are too funny!

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Three couples went to see the minister after the sermon, asking how to become members of the church.

The minister told them all to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and they would talk after their abstinence.

Two weeks later the couples returned.

The retired couple said it was "no problem at all".

The middle-aged couple said it was "tough for the first week", but after that, it was no problem.

The newlywed couple said it was "fine for the first hour", until she dropped the can of paint.

"A can of PAINT?!?!" exclaimed the minister.

"Yes," said the new husband. "My wife dropped a gallon can of paint, and when she bent over to pick it up, I just had to have her right there and then. I am sorry, pastor, lust just took over."

The minister just shook his head. Well, you first two couples are welcome, but the two of you are no longer welcome in this church.

"That's okay," said the man. "I understand pastor". "For what it is worth, we are not welcome in Home Depot either."

What do anthropology and micro-biology have in common?

Both are the study of cultures.

There was a costume party last October. Seems "Little Bo Peep" has gone missing, so OldSarge is asked to go on an hunt and find her.

Searching room to room, eventually I open a closet door in the master bedroom.

There is Bo Peep sitting on Pinnochio's face saying, "Tell another lie, Pinnochio, tell another lie!"

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?

Because he felt crummy.

What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?

A. "Artificial Intelligence"

Give Thanks to nipples....
Without them, breast would be pointless!

The real reason Santa is so darn jolly?

He knows where ALL the naughty girls live.......

Was LBJ really a Spanish porn star?
( EL BJ, say it with a Spanish accent)

Tom dies one evening in his sleep and goes to heaven where he meets St. Peter. St. Peter asks him to name five deeds that he thinks will get him passage into heaven. To Tom's amazement, he can not think of one single thing to reference. St. Peter looks at him and replies, "Tom, we think you may need some time to think about this, so we are sending you back to earth to think about it. The catch is you will have to be an animal, because there are not any human spots available."
All of a sudden Tom felt like he was falling, falling, and finally a crash. When he came to, chickens were surrounding him in confusion. After struggling to his feet, he fell time after time. All at once, he realized he could not stand because he was a chicken---and a HEN at that.
After being depressed for a while, he figured his only way out was to embrace the predicament St. Peter had put him in. He started strutting around the yard, scratching at the dirt, eating chicken feed, and learning how to drink water as the other chickens did. At night he would roost and sleep with the other chickens.
A few days went by, when one afternoon Tom felt a pressure sensation in his ass. Not knowing what was going on he tried walking it off. The pressure kept increasing to the point he could not walk and had to lay down in the hay. All of a sudden the pressure peaked and Tom squeezed out an egg. Upon realizing what happened Tom thought " Hey, that actually felt pretty good, I wonder if I can do it again".
So with a little concentration Tom was able to lay another egg. Being the cocky SOB that he was, he figured that he could lay three in a row. So off Tom went, grunting and pushing trying to lay another egg. All at once Tom felt he was being sucked into the sky towards heaven. As he rose he thought he heard St. Peter's voice. Tom thought to him self "St. Peter sounds a lot like my wife when she is mad". So he listened more intently and this is what he heard" TOM, TOM, TOMMMM, wake up you bastard, YOU ARE SHITTING IN THE BED!!!!!!!!!!"

My penis was in the guinness book of world records... ...until I got kicked out of the library

i tried using "my penis" as my password.
got a message back saying it was too long