Decision Crisis: Hobby and Marriage

StormKing, you failed to mention one thing in your initial post. Do you still love her? Does she love you? If the answer is no, then damn the emotional or financial expense and move on. Get your life back. But I too recommend you do it like Carl suggested.

Thank you all so much for the thoughtful responses. I'm pondering my options....

Dude, that sort of stuff only works in the movies. If you tell her, there's no "I will continue and risk destroying this marriage." It's basically destroyed the second you open your mouth. No putting the genie back in the bottle. At that point, it's divorce time, and if she's mad enough (and she very likely will be: "Hell hath no fury ...") she'll use the info to take as much as she can from you in a divorce settlement, make sure you never see your kids again, and turn as many of your friends (as a couple) against you.

Even if you go to counseling as a couple, it would take years of work to repair the relationship with counseling, and that's only if she's willing.

However, counseling for yourself would help keep you on an even keel.

My advice, is DOCUMENTthe following:
First. go to counseling yourself. After receiving some counseling for yourself, formally ask for a referral for a couple's counselor.

Then tell her clearly and explicitly how you feel. Tell her you want to go to counseling as a couple to address this issue. If she accepts you havestarted the work to repair the relationship.

If she refuses, start divorce proceedings. Don't threaten it or try to use the threat as an incentive to go to counseling.

Just actually do it. If she doesn't want to go to counseling, she's basically telling you in a cowardly, manipulative passive-aggressive way that she doesn't care about you, your feelings or your marriage.

With the documentation of you going to counseling, asking for a referral for couple's counseling and her refusal, you will be able to demonstrate to a lawyer and a judge that you have taken steps to try and save your marriage but she was unwilling to take similar steps. Things will go much better for you, particularly with regards to custody or visitation, even if she gets pissed and starts slinging accusations.

But long before you do bring up the subject of divorce, stop hobbying and scrub your phone and hard drive of any hobby references, phone numbers, email addresses, websites, log-ins and passwords. Even any female friends or co-workers that she might use to allege any infidelity. Because if she gets a pit bull of a lawyer, you can't be careful enough. He may get her to put a keystroke logger on your computer, hire a PI to follow you, dig through any records (sometimes even illegally) they can find, just to apply pressure on you. Originally Posted by Carl

Great advise! I couldn't have said it better myself. I'll pray for you and hope that things work out for you. You need to take care of yourself, so you can take care of others.

Great input folks, thanks again. A good nights sleep and another day of thinking about all of this has helped organize my thoughts. Even posting here was helpful...

I do love my wife and kids, so I believe what we have built (the family, the kids, the cats, the house) are worth keeping. There is great satisfaction and happiness in being part of my family. I get hugs and kisses from my kids (but not from my wife.) It is lame that she does not put out or kiss, but she does do a heck of lot of other stuff. (It might be like being married to a disabled person who was not physically able to have sex or provide intimacy - you could still love them but not have sex...)

So the idea of continuing to love my wife and kids, working in a job I love, continuing various hobbies I love (in addition to this one...lol...) and using the hobby and porn and masturbation to provide the sexual outlet makes sense.

The divorce road appears from my vantage point to look a lot like what TMFT and CB said in their posts:

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Thanks again for the support group here on ECCIE...

Oh, I provided some responses to questions about my situation in the other threads... links below...

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Oh boy, that's a pickle!
I'm so glad I'm single!

I would either fix the relationship or get the hell out, life is too short.

take care of your kids first man... if you can fuck your wife well and good, if not we have a number of providers... BUT take care of your kids...

B