Tell your best jokes!

1. What did one man say to the other man at the gay bar?
--- Can I push in your stool.


2. What is the difference between an ooooo and an AHHHH ?
---- About 2 inches


3. A 71 year old widower is meeting with his friends, when a smoking hot 24 year old woman comes and kisses him on the cheek, and asks "Are you ready to go home, honey?"

He replies, "Let me say by to my friends, I will be right to car."

She leaves and waits in the car.

His friends ask him what the deal is, and he replied, "we got married last weekend in Vegas"

His friends say "You can't do that, your 71."

He replies, "It is ok, she thinks I am 90."

"I 'm lonely," Adam complained to God in the Garden
of Eden. "I need someone to keep me company."
"No problem," replied God. "I'm going to create the
perfect mate for you, Adam. She will be beautiful,
intelligent, gracious and loving. She'll be a great cook
and a wonderful mother. She'll keep your home spotless,
and she'll never talk back. How does that sound?"
"Sounds great!" said Adam. "But what's she gonna
cost me?"
"An arm and a leg," God replied.
"Jeez, that's pretty steep, God," countered Adam.
"What can I get for just a rib?"

Well, that explains everything for the last 1.8 million years .... We could had gotten a mate that didn't talk back ....

A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and since there was a fortune to be made in the horse racing, he decided to pull some funds from the treasury to purchase a horse to enter into the races.

After arriving at the local horse auction, the preacher discovered that the going prices for the horses were much too steep. So he ended up buying a mule instead. He figured since he had now owned it, he might as well go ahead and enter the mule in the races. On the day of the first race, the mule (to everyone's surprise) came in third. The next day, the daily racing paper carried the following headline:

"PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS"

The preacher was so pleased with the mule that he entered him again. This time the mule won. The racing paper read:

"PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT"

The Bishop was so upset with all the publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the mule in another race. The newspaper's headline that day read:

"BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHERS'S ASS"

This was too much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read:

"NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that SHE would have to dispose of the mule. She finally found a farmer who was willing to buy the animal for $10.00. The next day the newspaper headlines read:

"NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS"

They buried the Bishop the following day. The final newspaper headlines read:

"TOO MUCH ASS RESPONSIBLE FOR BISHOP'S DEATH"

What do you do if your phone rings while having sex regular provider?



Put down the sandwich

Why don’t canibals eat comedians?
They taste funny!

What does a canibal do when he dumps his girl friend?
He wipes his ass!

Cannibal Husband-I don’t like your Mother.
Cannibal Wife- Try the potatoes.

Two dyslexic men walks into a bra!

Two peanuts are walking down the street. One is assaulted.

Oh what a big cock you have ,,,,,,

Joe waited outside while his friend Henry went into his
house for a minute to tell his wife he was going to play
poker with the boys.
An hour later, Joe stepped up to the screen door and
yelled in, "Hey, Henry! Just how much longer are you
going to be?"
"Not long," Henry hollered back. "It's almost my
turn to talk.

Mike and Bill were the best of friends and shared an
apartment together. One day Mike came home to find
Bill weeping into his hands. "I can't take any more. I'm
the unluckiest person in the world!"
"You're always saying that, and it's just not true,"
replied Mike. "What's happened now?"
" Well, I met this beautiful woman on the street. We
got to talking, and we stopped off at a bar. Then she
suggested we go to her place, and I thought my luck had
changed. Minutes after we entered her apartment, we
were in the sack. I was just about to climax when we
heard the front door slam and her husband call out. I
didn't even have time to grab a towel. I leaped out the
window and was hanging onto the ledge with my hands
when he barged in, looked around and saw my hands."
"Jesus!" Mike exclaimed. " What happened then?"
"Terrible things," replied Bill. "He came over to the
window and started banging on my knuckles with a hammer.
Then he whipped out his dick and pissed all over me.
Then he slammed the window down on my hands. Then,
just to make matters worse, two old ladies saw me hanging
there stark naked and called the cops, and they arrested
me. Now do you see why I say I'm so unlucky?"
"Nonsense," Mike responded. "That could have
happened to anyone."
"You don't understand," countered Bill. "When the
cops arrested me, I looked down at my feet, and they
were only four inches off the ground!"

haha funny stuff

Bob was kicking back in his living room one afternoon
when there came a loud pounding at the front door, and
on the stoop stood two men in blue. Waving a search
warrant in his face, the first cop said, "We're going to
search your house, you fucking asshole, and this warrant
gives us the right. We're also going to search your
front and backyard, and there's not a damn thing you
can do about it!"
"Go ahead," Bob said as he went back to the living
room to sit down.
After the cops tore up the house, they headed for the
backyard. Immediately, Bob heard the cops screaming
bloody murder. Bob got up and looked out the window
to see the pair racing like hell around the yard, with
three pit bulls right on their asses.
"Call 'em off! Call 'em off!" screamed the cops.
"Fuck you, assholes!" Bob yelled. "Show them your fucking warrant!"

I don’t trust stairs.

They’re always up to something.

It was the first back to school and the teacher asked the kids to describe their summer vacation.

Little Johnny's hand shot up and the teacher called on him. So Johnny went to the front of the room and in a slow southern drawl proceeded to tell this story.

Well, y'all see me and my dog Belvedere were rabbit huntin and as we came around the barn the biggest dang rabbit you ever saw took off runnin. Well, Belevedere was havin none of that so he took right off after that big rabbit. They went through the barn, they tore around the old magnolia tree and went through the crick and just when I didn't think they could run any more that dang rabbit just stopped and my poor Belvedere ran right up that rabbits asshole.

The teacher was wide eyed in horror and said No, Johnny no. Its not asshole; its rectum. Johnny turned to her and yelled Wrecked 'em Hell! it killed 'em both.

The class was studying their alphabet and the teacher wanted to call on the kids to say the alphabet letter and say a word that starts with that letter. So she asks who wants to use the letter A? Little Johnny's hand shoots up and thinking to herself I know him and he'll probably say something like asshole or ass so she called on Susie who said apple.

Then she says who wants the letter B? and little Johnny's hand shoots up again and she thinks no; he might say bitch or bastard or something so she called on Timmy who said ball.

Then she says who wants the letter C? and again little Johnny's hand shoots up but again she says no; I know a few C-words too so she calls on another student.

She gets all the way down to the letter R and realizes she doesn't know any bad words that start with R so she lets little Johnny try. Little Johnny stands up and says Rats! With dicks this long.