Everybody Poops.

On a side note.. nothing is better for the experience than a nice warm toilet seat in a cool, clean climate.

Picked a buddy up early one morning going deer hunting, a few minutes down the country road he says he has to go NOW, I pull over he jumps out does his business, but did not pull his coveralls out of the way, pulls his coveralls back on and had crapped the inside of them, slung crap on his back, neck and back of his head, I turned around took him straight home, and still laugh my ass off every time I think about it. Originally Posted by westex69

Been there done that. Had to drive 200 miles in a tshirt. I keep a pair of shorts and underwear in the truck now.

Haha, I thought you were talking about the book!
I do have that book by the way..



Um.. personally if I have to go I will go where ever I need to..
Not afraid of doing it outdoors if I have to.. but generally it is all done at home.

Love the thread, Ralphey.. made me smile, thank you.
Originally Posted by PeAcH

What about, "You're a Naughty Child and that's Concentrated Evil Coming out the Back of You"?

I can go anywhere. I remember one time I was at a house party and something got the internal workings working, and I didn't want to blow it up around all these hot chicks I knew, so I asked my friend to take me to a gas station. I walked in to the bathroom and it was a freaking mess, like someone reenacted the Exorcist with excrement and then intentionally pissed all over the seat. I didn't have the luxury of trying to find a better locale for dropping a deuce, so I had to do a balancing act using the handicap bar and the tank of the toilet (the only clean spots in the damn place), making damn sure not to come into contact with anything else.

But I learned my lesson. The next time I was at a house party with hot chicks, I blew it up anyway. I completely ruined my chances with this one girl who was flirting with me prior, but at least I didn't have to balance precariously over the hellmouth.

I'll tell you whare I don't like to go ...

Places where they have bathroom "attendants".

Why ?

These bathroom attendants, who "povide a sevice", by turning on the tap water and handing you a paper towel are a joke and an insult. I can wash my hands and dry them myself (and would rather so on my own). In a public bathroom, I want all the privacy that I can mange.

Please don't get me wrong. I realize that the attendants are there to supplement their income, and I have no issues with free enterprise. However, there are common sense limits to where capitalism and opportunistic freeloading can be considered natural and (therefore) ought to be excercised.

To me, a bathroom crosses that common sense limit. It's very much akin to vlaet parking at a resturant where they park the car 10 feet from the resturant door. WTF ? It's FAR more trouble to have them park it, than it is to park it myself (factor in the time it takes to do the key exchange, the parking ticket # thingie, and waiting for your vehicle to be fetched).

Similarly, adhering to common sense practices, when I go to the bathroom for #1 or #2, please leave me the fook alone. I don'y need a "friend" to hold my dongle, or to dry my hands.

If however, should there be an "attendant" of the female persuation offering BBBJs, I'd be obliged to offer her a napkin or two for a NQBS. Where do I get in line ?

On a side note.. nothing is better for the experience than a nice warm toilet seat in a cool, clean climate. Originally Posted by PeAcH

Peach, on that note, the toilet seats in the Mall of the Emirates in Dubai are heated. In a mall.

But, being a Muslim country, these same stalls have hoses attached to the wall, which the locals use vigorously instead, or in addition to, toilet paper. So the nice heated toilet seat is in a stall usually covered in water.

I travel the world over, and its funny to observe the toilet customs of other countries. Definitely makes me miss home after awhile...

Peach, on that note, the toilet seats in the Mall of the Emirates in Dubai are heated. In a mall.

But, being a Muslim country, these same stalls have hoses attached to the wall, which the locals use vigorously instead, or in addition to, toilet paper. So the nice heated toilet seat is in a stall usually covered in water.

I travel the world over, and its funny to observe the toilet customs of other countries. Definitely makes me miss home after awhile... Originally Posted by Thehardcase

Yup, like the infamous bombsite toilet design. I have seen them mostly in the Middle east, but some places in Western Europe too. I can only imagine the horrific accidents that have occurred using that abomination for a dump.

Typical condition that I saw, no paper, just a hose or in some cases only a bucket of water, not for the faint of heart.

It is rude to show the bottom of your feet/shoes, and the left hand is considered unclean in that culture...go figure.

http://travel.webshots.com/photo/259...98273444XJysXi

I never have to go in places like that. Thank goodness.

Gee, if only MF were here. Originally Posted by Mokoa

\
boy I miss Monica Fox, 'dont poop in my incall' her famous quote

Have you guys ever seen the German toilette design? Those things kill me. Rather than dropping into water, there's a little platform that catches your poo. This is so that you can inspect your movement. When you flush, the water runs over the little platform and washes the stool into a drain in the front of the toilette. I had no idea why the toilette was designed that way when I first used it and only later read about the practice of inspecting your poo for health reasons later.

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_SZ3HISQyKI...rmantoilet.jpg

Worst places to take a dump;

Hiking in Tanzania - outhouse toilet with hole cut into floor board, so much feces and piss scattered around and could not do it outdoors because of park rules.

Pemex station in Mexico - very rural station with busted toilet that was filled to the brim, got plastic bag and dumped in it then left my contribution with the rest.

Appalachian pitstop at gas station/tire shop, couldn't do it, worst smell I ever encountered, hot day, over flowing outhouse, mass of flies and maggots, and a pair of sketchy banjo players looking out the store window. Hiked down the trail a few miles and did my business.

Hope no one is eating.

I'm only comfortable using my toilet at home. Anywhere else it's just a splash-n-go pit-stop like in Nascar.


The following story just seemed fitting.

So I submit;

From the "Ask Blue Eyed All American Asian Girl" Forum on ymwv.net

(http://www.ymwv.net/cgi-bin/ikonboar...5;t=3692;st=30 )


Originally posted by, a member with a "Completely Prolapsed Rectum"
(name omitted for security reasons)

(Alright, I don't care if you guys believe me. It's real. This is the most embarrassing thing that I've ever experienced and I'm sharing it with you because I don't want to have any of my misc. brahs to have to go through this....especially since it could have been EASILY prevented. It's very long but I'll do my best to recount all of the important details --no fucking cliffs....read it to save yourself from something like this).

Anyway...BEAAAG,
In case you didn't know, I suffer from social anxiety. Well, I got this Asian girls phone number. It's been over a week and I was feeling like taking a break from things and I figured that if I didn't call her before exams were done then I wouldn't get a chance to see her until after break (which would be too long perhaps...we both attend night school/continung education course). So I called her up and asked if she wanted to take a break from studying and meet me for coffee.

Well she said yes, and we met at a nearby cafe. We had some small talk and it went well overall. After that she said "hey, my roommate is making some Chinese food for dinner because his boyfriend is over, would you like to come over and try some? he usually makes more than needed". (I'm thinking, "he/boyfriend"?? eh, no big deal). Now at this point I felt like I had to take a shit, but there was no way I could turn down this opportunity; it seemed like she was into me and this would be a great opportunity to get to know each other further. So I decided to hold my crap as long as possible (I don't crap in public toilets) and accept her invitation.

Well we went back to her place, had some food (very good btw) and fuck, I had to take a shit really badly AND I had to take a piss really badly (I had been holding that too since I didn't bring my pee bottle with me to the date)... I really didn't want to use their washroom because I didn't want to stink the place up but it became so unbearable to the point where I could feel the turd popping out of my rectum. To make matters worse, I was actually starting to get an erection (I'm not sure why but that's what happened). So I rushed to the washroom....and thus begins the worst possible scenario imaginable.

I pull down my pants and step up to the toilet and I am then faced with an ominious predicament: I have to extremely badly take BOTH a pee AND a poo....AND I have an erection....what the fuck do I do? Which do I do first??

So I bend over and try to push my erect penis down a bit to pee into the can....but as I relax my pelvic floor muscles to release the urine, I feel my turd start to come out at the same time! So then I'm like "fuk this....I'll just try and hold the pee and let the poo come out"....so I sit on the can, grasp my penis hard to try to "block" it....and then I let the crap come out....that didn't work so well.

As I relaxed my anal sphincters, my pelvic muscles relaxed as well and piss started flying all over the floor....I started panicking at this point so i desperately held my crap again while I attempted to shove/bend my erect penis into the toilet. Once it was in, I tried to take a piss and a crap at the same time but my ass was too far back and this massive turd started flying out missing the bowl, landing partially on the back rim and partially on the floor. I then closed everything off (you can't imagine the pain of repeatedly blocking yourself from peeing and pooing when you have to go so badly) WTF was i supposed to do? I either pee on her floor or poo on her floor....then out of sheer desperation and instinct an idea popped into my head: I ran into her bathtub and let myself go in there....I figured that at least this way I could rinse it all down instead of gettin shit on her floor.

At this point things got even worse... the turd wouldn't fucking dissolve and the damn bish was asking me w tf I'm doing showering in her washroom....

I then answer, "yea, lol....I'm showering...is that ok?"
She says: "what the hell? why?? you don't think we're having sex do you???

At this point I can't even think straight and I jokingly (retartedly) say, "oh yes we are lol"

She then gets mad and says: "wtf? Is this some kind of joke....get out of there!!"

and starts banging on the door and jiggiling the door knob.

I say: no....please don't come in....I'm not done yet.

At this point, the hot water that I'm using to dissolve my shit was releasing shit smelling vapors all over the room....and it was pretty rancid....the girl could smell it and she said: "why the hell does it smell so fucking bad? What the hell are you DOING in there!??"

I say: please don't come in....trust me..you'll regret it...
She says: **** this...get out NOW or I'm unlocking the door..

I beg her not to but she loses patience with me and then opens the door. She stops dead in her tracks.

There before her was me standing with a pseudo-erect penis, left over fecal matter residue on my ass, large semi dissolved turds in her bathtub, turds on the floor on and beside her toilet, and pee all over the floor in front of the can....I was SO fucking embarrassed, I started shivering... She looks at me as if in horror while covering her nose and mouth and whispers: "wtf did you do??" She was starting to cry....I hesitate for a bit and I try to explain myself "I tried my best......I.....I'm sorry"....she then flips out and tells me to clean up the mess or she's calling the cops. I agree to do it.

She leaves and I grab some toilet paper, pick up the turds from the floor and bathtub, toss them into the can, and then I proceed to clean off the floor and bathtub with soap, water, and a handful of tissues. Since her garbage can was full, I tossed them into the toilet bowl. I then took some perfume from the counter and sprayed it into the bathtub and in the air to get rid of the odor. After i was done, I cleaned my ass off and flushed the toilet. to my utmost dismay, the bulk of my massive fecal matter and the large amount of toilet paper/tissue eventually clogged the toilet and started spilling everything back onto the floor....I am literally crying at this point....."oh fuck. oh fuck.oh fuck." i remember saying while i am frantically trying to find a plunger....but i couldn't find it so i put my pants back on rushed out to ask her if she had one so that I could fix the toilet.....I see her with her roommate, her roommate's bf.....she's crying....as soon as she sees me she tells me to go right now.....I try to explain that the toilet is clogged.....but she doesn't let me.....she says she feels threatened and wants me out, now....she grabs a knife from the drawer and tells me to leave...I leave.

About thirty seconds later I hear this LOUD scream coming from her room (I assume she went back into the washroom to see it covered in poo water etc.). At that point I sprinted as fast as i possibly could while swearing at myself crying tears of frustration and embarrassment.

ALL of this could have fucking been prevented if I had just brought my goddamn pee bottle!!! The FIRST girl that shows interest in me and I have to go and shit in her bathtub!??!!! This is fucking retarded (yes mad!)

To all you people saying "peeing in a bottle is stupid/gross".....well fuck that.....not only is it more convenient and cleaner, it also prevents epic disasters like this one....

This is what WOULD have happened if i had my trusty pee bottle.....I would have sat on the can and then simultaneously peed into the bottle and pooed into the toilet. No disaster....no mess..... and none of this would have happened.

Anyway....should I let things cool off for a bit and call her back? maybe to apologize/explain myself?? or should I just hope that I never run into her again??

Thank you for not judging me,

Tysteel

I thinck the lesson to be learned in all of this is simply this: If you keep holding it, you're even more full of sh*t than before.

Never pass up the opportunity to use a restroom.

Sofa that guy is a nut job in the story, who cant pee in public?

Where I don't like to go are the places where there are huge gaps in the stall, allowing anyone to look in. Or a gap between the stall and the shiny reflective marble wall, so you can see the poop coming out of the ass of the guy in the booth next to you. I don't need to see that.

RB, I didn't invent the story, I just reported it.

But yeah, he's fuct. heh!

On a related note, don't spend a lot of money on those colon cleansing things. Just go eat at the Waffle House on 290 and eat something with their chili on it. I went Friday and well, its been flowing well since.

I don't do #2 unless it is at work, home, or a friend's.

My friend's wife clogs my toilet every time she comes over. She is a germaphobe (sp?) and covers the toilet with paper every time, even at my place. Then flushes and gets it clogged. I guess she gets embarassed because she never lets me know. I find out after they leave.

My first and last movements of the day are usually at work.