Let's keep it funny

2 girls, a blonde and a brunette, and 1 guy with really bad dandruff, were riding in an office elevator. At the 3rd floor the guy gets off. When the elevator door closed the brunette said to the blonde, "That guy really needs some Head & Shoulders." The blonde thought about it a moment then asked the brunette, "How do you give shoulders?"

What do you call a rabbit with a bent dick?

Fucks funny.

Business traveler's at the hotel bar having a nightcap when a lovely woman in a little black dress sits down next to him.
"Hi there. Would you like some company?"
He smiles and politely declines but she just leans forwards and inhales, drawing his eyes to her.
"See anything you want?"
He just nods.
"You can have it for $300."
He looks startled. "I can have what?"
"Anything you want," she purrs.
He thinks it over and nods agreement.

"Paint my house."

A guy goes into a liquor store and asks for a case of beer.

"What kind?", asks the clerk.

"I don't care", says the guy. "Anything EXCEPT Schlitz. I pounded a case of that stuff last night and wound up blowing chunks!".

Clerk says, "Shit, man, don't blame Schlitz. You can wind up puking after a case of any beer!".

"Maybe so", says the guy, "But you don't understand. Chunks is my dog!".

A redneck walked intot he bar and asked the bartender for 6 Scotch on the Rocks....Bartnder asks "whats the special ocassion"...Redneck replys My first blow job......Bartender says well hot damn buddy congrats..in fact i will fix 1 more on the house...Redneck says Nope thats ok.if 6 dont kill the taste I dont reckon 7 will do much good either..

Rox that sounds like a awesome day for me. Lets make it happen. Originally Posted by Wyldeman30

I wanna day like that too

the perfect day

The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep Originally Posted by Sexy Roxanne

you had me at Blowjob

you had me at Blowjob Originally Posted by harkontume

Sorry, couldn't pass that up!

Hell an all day blow job from Rox/Victoria would be a great day for me.

A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.
Sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said,
"I can't take this, you're my friend."

But the blonde insisted saying, "No. A bet's a bet."
Then the redhead said
"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on
the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied
"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"

The husband comes home from work and sees his wife in the bathroom naked pointing the blow dryer directly in between her legs.

He ask her what are you doing? She replies I am heating up your dinner!

Well if my joke had DATY in there, I'd been had at DATY, lol!

In a movie theater a guy answered his phone and was pissing me off by talking really loud.. I asked him nicely to get of the phone and he told me to fuck off. I reached out to hit him when I saw the bracelet on my wrist "W.W.J.D" What would Jesus do?? SO.... I lit him on fire and sent him to hell!!! hehe

A CEO at Tea Party member and a Union Organizer are sitting at a table with a plate of dozen cookies.
The CEO reaches out and snatches up 11 ov the cookies, then leans over and whispers "Watch it, that guy wants part of your cookie!" to the Tea Party Member.

A guy walks into the restroom at a restaurant and notices that there's a leprechaun coming out of the toilet. So the man asks,

"Are you a leprechaun"?

The leprechaun says,
"Yes, of course I am, why do you think I'm dressed like this"?

So the man tells him,

"Well, I have you trapped so now you have to give me your pot of gold!"

"I'm not that type of leprechaun, I grant wishes instead"

The man gets all excited and tells him;

"I want to be a multi millionaire!"

The leprechaun turns around and says,

"Well, there is a caveat for me granting wishes. In order for me to activate my magic, I have to fuck you up the ass. After that, when you walk out of this restroom you'll be a millionaire."

After a few minutes of thinking the man says "fuck it, I'll take it up the ass, I'm going to be a millionaire so who cares!" and agrees and so the leprechaun starts fucking him. After he finishes, the man says,

"Man, I cannot believe that I just trapped a leprechaun and that after I walk out of this restroom I'm going to be a millionaire!!"

To which the leprechaun responds as the man is about to walk out,

"You know what I cannot believe? That a grown man like yourself can still believe leprechauns exist!"

A Vietnamese, a Thai, and a Cambodian were captured by a bunch of Khmer Rouge and as they begged for their lives, Pol pot said "Ok, ok... I'll give you 2 trials that you must pass in order to save your lives. The first one is... You must pick 10 fruits, all of the same kind and bring them to me. "

So they set off. After a while, the Vietnamese came back with 10 apples. Pol Pot then tells him "Ok, now you have to shove all of them up your a s s and you must NOT flinch or make any noise."

So he started shoving apples up his a s s, but on the second one he lets out a scream. So they immediately killed him.

When the Thai guy came back, he had 10 berries. Pol Pot then tells him "Ok, now you have to shove all of them up your a s s and you must NOT flinch or anything." He started shoving the berries up his a s s, which was easy enough, 1, 2, 3, 4 , 5, 6, 7, 8, but as he was shoving the 9th berry up his a s s he started to laugh.

They immediately killed him. The Vietnamese and the Thai met up at the gates of Heaven, the Vietnamese asked the Thai: "Dude, why did you laugh, you almost made it!"

The Thai replied: "I couldn't help myself when i saw that Cambodian come back with 10 pineappels!!"