I feel dirty

If I were superficial I wouldn't be struggling with this. Chemistry is rare for me and this young lady is my intellectual equal. That's so frigging hot. I hope other women comment.

I'm not getting younger. How many more can I pass on before it's one too many. I just got out of a relationship that was the opposite of this one. The physical was redonkulously good but she was a total psycho bitch.

I have flip flopped all day on this.

Grr!

Ultimately it comes down to one thing, either you want to spend time with her or you don't. If the time you spend together leads to something physical, give it a shot. I did and while mine didn't work out, yours might. It certainly won't if you don't try. If it doesn't work in the end, that doesn't necessarily mean you'll lose her as a friend.

Heather - just because it's superficial doesn't mean it has less value or weighs on less on the mind. It's clear this is weighing on his mind. We all (yes, even women) use superficial cues in evaluating our partners. Have you never turned down a date (a real date) from someone you didn't know? What was your criteria? If you know nothing of his personality, it must be based on the superficial. It's not unfair that women are graded on the physical (men are equally graded), it just is.

Are we really that superficial? With all due respect, maybe you need to take a hard look in the mirror and tell me what you see now and what you predict a few years later when she's in her 30's and you're in your 50's. It's unfair women are graded on only the physical appearances, when we can look at the character of a man. Originally Posted by Heather Anderson

I have to add to this, because i have personally been in several relationships, never having gone into but only 1 because of her looks and that didn't make it last one bit.

my two longest lasting ones (over 2 years +), were with one who is my age, over weight enough to now need medical aid to improve health and save her life down the line, and the other was in petite, 9 years younger, loved old rock that was before she was even born, lol, and all i must say, is that after dating women of different ages, younger older around same; different ethnic backgrounds, white hispanic black, different sizes; and so if i find somebody who has me intelligently stimulated, and likes me being a nerd, i will give her a chance...

when you say she isn't thin, that can vary by several factors, but i personally don't care how much she weighs, so much as she is healthy enough. that ex that needs medical aid, well, lots of drama occurred with us, not because of the weight itself, but because of her health which nearly took her life. in fact she left me a year later, but i didnt fight for it because she didn't fight to better her health, hope this wasn't too long and boring....there are plenty of fish in the sea, but finding the right one is better than settling.

if she's that bright, i wouldn't just say, lets be friends but instead try to tell her how you feel and why, but start the conversation with many positives, tell her that your feelings are growing and why you want to mention anything in that avenue is because your thinking of long run. trying to be friends after having any sexual contact, like a bj will not work unless you started that at the beginning.

I don't understand why the physical matters so much if you say she gives you "butterflies", and then you follow with all the positive aspects of her until it gets to one thing...her weight.

Are we really that superficial? With all due respect, maybe you need to take a hard look in the mirror and tell me what you see now and what you predict a few years later when she's in her 30's and you're in your 50's. It's unfair women are graded on only the physical appearances, when we can look at the character of a man. I think it may be worth giving this girl a chance, she may end up being more than you ever imagined.

I know you were probably looking for male advice, but it's a shame that everything was negative and no one took your best interest to heart. I wish you good luck in whatever decision you feel you can live with. Originally Posted by Heather Anderson

I wasn't sure that my advice was good. I just told him what I would do in that situation. I am pretty superficial and always have been when it comes to judging women. It's great to have a woman who is great to talk to and spend time with, but if the physical attraction isn't there it won't work. Women can be, and many times are just as superficial. They judge men on how successful they are, how good looking they are, what kind of car they drive and what they can do for a woman. Not in all cases, but much of the time. It's rare to find men or women who don't judge based on the superficial.
PS. Nice to see you posting Heather.

Just remember what Ron White says: "You can't fix stupid."
If you feel this is worth pursuing then the work it requires to build the relationship will be worth it.
You can lose weight, have cosmetic surgery or go to a shrink for psychological problems, but you really can't fix someone who is not your intellectual equal.

BTW this has gotten to be an intersting thread.

I don't understand why the physical matters so much if you say she gives you "butterflies", and then you follow with all the positive aspects of her until it gets to one thing...her weight.

Are we really that superficial? With all due respect, maybe you need to take a hard look in the mirror and tell me what you see now and what you predict a few years later when she's in her 30's and you're in your 50's. It's unfair women are graded on only the physical appearances, when we can look at the character of a man. I think it may be worth giving this girl a chance, she may end up being more than you ever imagined.

I know you were probably looking for male advice, but it's a shame that everything was negative and no one took your best interest to heart. I wish you good luck in whatever decision you feel you can live with. Originally Posted by Heather Anderson

I think I found your advice: give her a chance, she may surprise you.

Why not post your advice without overgeneralizing and critiquing the advice of others? Not everything was negative before your post, and at least one person took his best interest to heart.

He was expecting to get flamed, but I didn't see any flames until I got to your post.

Another way to look at this is that you can compare being with a fat girl to riding a moped.
They are bunches of fun until your friends see you on them. LOL
I know that was tasteless, but I couldn't resist.

A moped. WTF! LMFAO!!!

Bull is right...about Smith & Co, Heather and the superficial hobby pigs that we can be. My concern is not her weight but the fact that you turn to a "hobbiests" for the answer. Makes me think you're just looking to justify dumping her. The hobby can kill the ability to have butterflies. If she gives you butterflies, I say get the fuck outta the hobby and move on! Or do what I do...hobby more!!! Either way.

Nahh. I am just weighing my options. I keep flip flopping and some good advise came out of this.

Basically I am going to try and talk to her about it. I am going to propose tit for tat. Ill promise to quit smoking and she can promise to lose weight. Maybe it will work and maybe it won't but the discussion helped me see both sides of the coin.

I think we are getting close enough that a talk about the subject wont freak her out.

As for the hobbiests that i turned to. Well I think they gave me some pretty damn good advice. I could have walked around talking about this shit all day or make a post here entertain some people and get lots of good opinions without wasting my day dwelling on crap. In all reality a lot of the fellas that commented, and Heather as well, have proven to me that they are intelligent and educated. You can tell things like that by looking at grammar, punctuation, writing styles, and word use. These fellas here have a great vocabulary and some real wit.

As far as the hobby, I am single dude with disposable income and some goals for expanding my sexual horizons. When I was married I wouldn't touch another woman, not for my life. I doubt I will next time (if there is a next time). Unfortunately I didn't think that she would start screwing my neighbor. Incidentally he went to the hospital and she went to the poor house, and I didn't make either happen. Karma did. Wow its a bitch.

Look bottom line if you have hang ups about her weight and your asking us for advice then you already know the answer. If shes worth it and you want to give it a shot, then start working out and see if she will accompany you. If she does then you have a chance...maybe. If not then run out of there.

The age doesn't have to be an issue.

Accept and relish her as she is or move on. Then in time you'll see if you guys can work out with respect to all the other considerations.

Being overweight is unhealthy for either of you and I'd want to encourage anyone I cared about to be healthy...but if that's a condition for your interest don't even think about it. Complete no brainer. You have absolutely zero long term potential on those terms. None. Nada, Nix.

Go for it! My God, the relationships I passed up on because of my own hangups are many. At this lonely stage of my life it sucks to look back with regret and wonder what if. Try it! If you try and fail at least you tried. If you try and you succeed then fantastic! Don't give up on her due to a flaw in her physical appearance. There may be something similar about you that she doesn't like, but if you work past it the rewards will outweigh the negatives.

Why not have both. The question is - can you maintain? Have both, the friend and friend with benefits. Enjoy the butterflies and maintain; fun to me is to maintain with what feels good, what looks good, what sounds good, and what is good. I love to enjoy others who do not necessarily look good as society sees them but they take me away with how much they can maintain. Good looks are easy to find; butterflies are not as easy. Just a thought.