A: It's hard to make a vitamin.
Q: How does a prostitute know when she's been raped?
A: The check bounces!
(Courtesy of my BGF, who constantly ribs me about my career-path!) Originally Posted by Girl Nexxxt Door
- Lang Sicherung
- 01-30-2010, 08:03 AM
Q: What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
A: It's hard to make a vitamin.
A: It's hard to make a vitamin.
- Lang Sicherung
- 01-30-2010, 08:12 AM
Old Jewish man, finds a lamp. Rubs the lamp and a Genie pops out.
"ITS YOUR LUCKY DAY!" shouts the Genie! "I'll grant you ONE wish, anything you want."
Old man pull out a map of the mid-east. "See here, this mid-east region? For centuries here, nothing but war and bloodshed. Please bring peace to this part of the world."
Genie says "Ahhh, that's too, too hard. Even I, with all my powers, can't do that. What else you got?"
Old man says "OK, I've been married 50 years to the same Jewish woman, and NEVER ONCE has she given me oral sex. Just one, I want her to blow me."
Genie thinks a moment, and then says, "Let me look at that map again."
"ITS YOUR LUCKY DAY!" shouts the Genie! "I'll grant you ONE wish, anything you want."
Old man pull out a map of the mid-east. "See here, this mid-east region? For centuries here, nothing but war and bloodshed. Please bring peace to this part of the world."
Genie says "Ahhh, that's too, too hard. Even I, with all my powers, can't do that. What else you got?"
Old man says "OK, I've been married 50 years to the same Jewish woman, and NEVER ONCE has she given me oral sex. Just one, I want her to blow me."
Genie thinks a moment, and then says, "Let me look at that map again."
- willro
- 01-30-2010, 10:30 AM
- MacTheKnife
- 01-30-2010, 01:08 PM
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says,
"Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says,
"Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
- charlestudor2005
- 01-30-2010, 02:03 PM
That's really good!!!! LOL
- Lang Sicherung
- 01-30-2010, 05:51 PM
- KDOGG
- 02-03-2010, 10:20 AM
I've heard that one but tell it differently with a fight with a bear. Nonetheless, it's still funny and gets lots of laughs.
- Guest022210
- 02-10-2010, 08:20 PM
Old guy goes the doctor for a physical. The Doc says,"I need a sample of your urine,a sample of your stool,and a sample of your blood."
So the old fellow gives him his underwear.
So the old fellow gives him his underwear.
- trubrit
- 02-10-2010, 11:07 PM
I got this one today from a long time friend of mine back home:
A woman with PMS asked her husband if he wanted something to eat. The husband ask what the choices were? She replied, "Yes or FUCKING no"!!
A woman with PMS asked her husband if he wanted something to eat. The husband ask what the choices were? She replied, "Yes or FUCKING no"!!
- bluffcityguy
- 02-11-2010, 11:23 AM
Old guy goes the doctor for a physical. The Doc says,"I need a sample of your urine,a sample of your stool,and a sample of your blood."That hits way too close to home!
So the old fellow gives him his underwear. Originally Posted by Lookin4
Oh, speaking of physicals, I had mine this morning. My BP is down, Hemoglobin A1C (marker for diabetes control) was excellent (6.2 for any med types who know what that means), and I've lost weight in the last six months (about 7 pounds).
I regret to tell y'all that I don't appear to be about to die anytime soon, and I'll be pissin' y'all off for at least the next six months.
Ok. Back to your regularly scheduled thread.
Cheers,
bcg
- Guest022210
- 02-11-2010, 11:51 AM
It is good news to me Bluff. I would miss your keen observation and quick wit. You are an easy goer and we cant get too many of you these days.
L'Chaim.
L'Chaim.
That hits way too close to home!
Oh, speaking of physicals, I had mine this morning. My BP is down, Hemoglobin A1C (marker for diabetes control) was excellent (6.2 for any med types who know what that means), and I've lost weight in the last six months (about 7 pounds).
I regret to tell y'all that I don't appear to be about to die anytime soon, and I'll be pissin' y'all off for at least the next six months.
Ok. Back to your regularly scheduled thread.
Cheers,
bcg Originally Posted by bluffcityguy
- MacTheKnife
- 02-16-2010, 05:56 AM
Las Vegas Churches Accept Gambling Chips
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos in Vegas..
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all of their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
You didn't even see it coming, did you?
- charlestudor2005
- 02-16-2010, 06:41 PM
Yeah, I first heard that about 8 months to one year ago.
Las Vegas Churches Accept Gambling Chips
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos in Vegas..
Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all of their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.
You didn't even see it coming, did you? Originally Posted by Mac92451