Jokes

One Monday, in a mid-sized town, Pastor Jones, of one of the larger churches, was walking through the local shopping mall. As he walked through he noticed a sign outside a pet store advertising a

'PET AUCTION'. He thought 'This will be interesting' and so went inside.

As he entered, he heard the auctioneer; "Okay,

Folks. This is the last pet we have today. It is a genuine talking galah (from Australia). Can we start the bidding at $2?"

Thinking it would be a different sort of pet to have, Pastor Jones called out; "2".

There was an immediate response of "3".

So Pastor Jones called "4".

"5".

"6".

"7".

"8".

"9".

"10".

There was silence through-out the room ... The auctioneer quickly closed the auction and it was all done. Pastor Jones had bought himself a talking bird.

As he went to pay for it he mentioned that $10 was a bit much to pay for a bird... "Are you sure it can talk?"

"Of course I'm sure, who do you think was bidding against you? The silly bird never learnt to count past ten or we'd still be here."

So Pastor Jones, slightly put out, took the bird home and at first it was a great novelty ... BUT: it turned out the bird's previous owner was a sailor on a tramp freighter and he had taught the bird to speak with his own tendency to foul (no NOT fowl you idiots) language ... after three or four very embarrassing incidents... (Including one where a young mother who was breast-feeding her daughter was encouraged to "Show us ya tits, Sweetie." ) Pastor Jones decided he was going to have to get rid of the bird. This was not an easy decision to make because he had grown fond of the galah.

Discussing his problem with one of his church elders, the elder said; "how about we try something. I have a parrot that talks but all it does all day is sit on its perch and intone 'Let us pray!' Perhaps the good influence will rub off on your galah if we bring them together?"

Anything was worth a try and so, although Pastor Jones was doubtful he agreed and the next day Elder Pirot brought his parrot around and the two birds were put in a cage together ... The galah took one look at the parrot and said "Hi toots, what's say you 'n' me make some eggs together."

The parrot replied; "My prayers have been answered!"

Well after this the galah settled down a bit and Pastor Jones thought that perhaps he could keep the bird after all ... However ... A burglar decided the Pastor's residence looked like an easy place to get a bit of cash. One night, while the Pastor was the guest speaker at a parish conference, he quietly broke in. He was looking for the high quality electrical goods he could fence easily, when he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Startled, he looked around ... but couldn't see anyone. Thinking he was hearing things he was about to turn away, when he heard again, "Jesus is watching you."

This time he realised it was the bird speaking.

He laughed, "And I suppose your name is 'Jesus' right?"

"No, my name is Gabriel. Jesus is the pit bull behind you!"

Mickey and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Mickey didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Mickey hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Mickey lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Mickey, but one day, Bob approached the park and --lo and behold -- there sat Mickey!

Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Mickey, what in the world happened to you?

Mickey replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?'

'Well, ' Mickey said, 'you know Jane, that cute little bartender/waitress at the restaurant where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah, ' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty'.

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury'.

Leroy the Red-Necked Reindeer
(original by Joe Diffie)

Well you've all heard the story about Rudolf and his nose.
But I'll tell you a Christmas tale that never has been told.

You may think you've heard it all. But you ain't heard nothing yet...
About that crazy Christmas that the North Pole can't forget.

Rudolf was under the weather
And had to call in sick

So he got on the phone to his cousin Leroy
Who lived out in the sticks

He said, "Santa's really countin' on me
And I hate to pass the buck."

Leroy said "Hey I'm on my way."
And he jumped in his pick-up truck.

When Leroy got to the North Pole
All the reindeer snickered and laughed

They'd never seen a deer in overalls
And a John Deere tractor hat

But Santa stepped in and said "just calm down
Cause we've all got a job to do

And like it or not,
Leroy's in charge

And he's gonna be leadin' you."
And it was Leroy the Red-Necked reindeer

Hooked to the front of the sleigh
Deliverin' toys to all the good ol' boys

And girls along the way
He was a down-home party animal

Two steppin across the sky
He mixed jingle bells with a rebel yell

And made history that night.
Before that night was over Leroy had changed their tune

He had 'em scootin' a hoof
On every single roof

By the light of a neon moon
Santa wrapped his bag with a Dixie flag

He was havin' the time of his life
And you could hear him call

Merry Christmas y'all
And to all of y'all a good night

And it was Leroy the Red-Necked reindeer
Hooked to the front of the sleigh

Deliverin' toys to all the good ol' boys
And girls along the way

He was a down-home party animal
Two steppin across the sky

He mixed jingle bells with a rebel yell
And made history that night.

He mixed jingle bells with a rebel yell
And made history that night.

A Dilemma...

A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR, "WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A
DILEMMA?"

THE PROFESSOR SAID, "WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO
ILLUSTRATE THAT. IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LYING IN A BIG BED WITH A BEAUTIFUL AROUSED NAKED
YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE AND AN EXCITED GAY MAN ON THE OTHER.
WHICH ONE ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"

This guy walks into a bar, walks up to the bartender and says, "I'd like a scotch and soda and I'd like to buy that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink." The bartender says, "Hey, she's a regular and you can't be talking about her that way." The guy says, "Okay, I'd like to buy that nice, young lady at the end of the bar a drink." The bartender says, "That's more like it," and he walks up to the girl and asks her what she wants to drink. She says,

"Vinegar and water."

The following questions were set in last year's examination. Allegedly, these are genuine answers (from 16 year olds).

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope).

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true).

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, U (wtf!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'.
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit).

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable).

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shriek wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

You realize, of course, that soon they will vote... !

The regular taster at a winery died, and the director started looking for a replacement.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass of wine to try.

The drunk took a mouthful and said:

'It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.'

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass...

"This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, 8 more years for finest results"

"Correct."

A third glass...

"It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive." the drunk said calmly.

The owner was astonished.

He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant. And if I don't get the job, ... I'll name the father."

Most of our generation of 50+ were HOME SCHOOLED in many ways :

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My father taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My father taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

25. My father taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

This should only be to the over 50 crowd because the younger ones would not believe we truly were told these "EXACT" words by our parents...

I failed a Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.

One of the questions was:

"In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?"

"Fucking big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

Newfie Password

The Bank of Montreal was running a recent Password Audit and found Stevie

O'Toole from Conception Bay (Newfoundland)

using the following password:

MickeyDonaldMinnieGoofyDaffyBu gsElmerPlutoOttawa

When Stevie was asked why he had such a long password, he replied,

"'Lard t'underin! Are yez blind er' stupid? I wuz told me password had to be at least 8 characters long wit' one capital.''

Mick and Paddy were fishing on the Irish shoreline when Mick pulled out a cigar.

Finding he had no matches, he asked Paddy for a light.

'Ya, sure, I tink I haff a lighter, ' Paddy replied and then reaching into his tackle

box, he pulled out a Bic lighter that was an enormous 10 inches long.

'My God, man!' exclaimed Mick, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Where'd yew git dat monster?'

'Well, ' replied Paddy, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a fecking Genie?' Mick asked.

'Ya, sure. It's right here in my tackle box, ' says Paddy.

'Could I see him?'

Paddy opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the Genie, Mick says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good pal of your master.

Will you grant me one wish?'

'Yes, I will, ' says the Genie.

So Mick asks the Genie for a million bucks. The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Mick sitting there waiting for his million bucks.

Shortly, the Irish sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the one million ducks Mick yells at Paddy, 'What the hell? I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Paddy answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10 inch Bic?'

Arranging a Christmas Party for the Staff!!!!!!

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 1, 2015

RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,

Patty

-------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 2, 2015

RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Patty

-------------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: November 3, 2015

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

----------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

To: All Employees

DATE: November 4, 2015

RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20thbegins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

to the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.

Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

---------------------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F*%^ing Employees

DATE: November 5, 2015

RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f%^ing wierdos can kiss my ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The Btch from Hll!!!

----------------------------------------------

Company Memo

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: November 6, 2015

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!

Joan

Just got sent this one, and cracked up when I read it. Don't

know if it's true or not, but if it is that's even funnier.

There has been a lot of political and media pressure for Redskin owner drop the name of his team. Redskins finally drop name of his team.

Daniel Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping "Washington" from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as "The Redskins."

It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.

50 Shades of Grey for Seniors

Back and forth...

Back and forth...

In and out...

In and out...

A little to the right...

A little to the left...

She could feel the sweat on her forehead...

Between her breasts...

And, trickling down the small of her back...

She was getting near to the end.

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved Forwards then backwards Forward then backward...

Again and again...

Her heart was pounding now...

Her face was flushed...

She moaned to groan louder...

Finally totally exhausted...

she let out a piercing scream...

"OK, OK, you smug bastard,

I can't parallel park. You do it!"

It was Christmas eve, and Santa Claus was out making his rounds, delivering presents. At one stop, just as he was ready to leave, he heard a noise, and looking around he saw a beautiful blonde of about 30 in a sheer nightgown looking at him.

"Oh my goodness!" the blonde said. "It's Santa! After all these years I finally get to see you! How about staying for a drink?"

Santa replied, "HoHoHo, Santa's gotta go, gotta get the presents to the kiddies you know!"

The blonde started walking sexily over to Santa and asked "Aw, come on Santa, you can stay for one quick drink, can't you?"

Once again, Santa said "HoHoHo, Santa's gotta go, gotta get the presents to the kiddies you know!"

She put her arms around his neck and gave him a warm, wet kiss and asked "Are you sure you have to leave right away?"

Santa said "Hey Hey Hey, Santa's gotta stay, can't get up the chimney this way!".