I Screwed Up and Fell for a Provider

If you want to know how she feels I would tell her.. Regret is a horrible emotion to replace love with.. Weigh the situation and see if it is time to know how she feels plus what that would do if she does love you.. or you can continue to enjoy her. Counseling is great advice for you and your wife. The love exists from when you were first married somewhere you may just need an emotional map back to it..

I agree, when boundries are over stepped its very uncomfertable, like I said make sure you dont cross boundries.

Women are smart.. exclusivity is a two way street with them.. she may have feelings for you too but she knows you have a wife and a couple of kids to take care of as well.. she also has bills to pay and if men will help with her finances that is business for her.. Only in her heart do you know where you fall.. she also knows that if you leave your wife for her then you are a great conversation away from leaving her.. how we meet people forms a trust.. the way you met this waitress there will always be doubt in your mind and hers about what is real.. You are not alone in falling for a waitress, stripper, or provider.. They are attractive and they are nice to you almost all of the time.. That is their livelihood in some cases. As with any other business they ( provider) are driven to give good service or they will not do as well financially.. Women do however have a desire to love and to be loved and once you have their love and devotion it is a wonderful thing indeed. Originally Posted by Action Jackson

This should be avoided or cut a check and lose another house!

I would have to guess or conclude that she is probably where Shayla is with some of her favorite clients as far as I am concerned. I have not told the lady out right how I feel, I have eluded to it and come as close as I dare. I agree with Kiera, if I were to go any further it would be inappropriate and I have avoided it, because I do not want to scare her off. What I want is for these feelings to go away, and be able to enjoy the wonderful times that we have together without the entanglements. If I cant get there soon, I will have to walk away, I am just hoping that I can avoid having to do that.

I also understand where most of the guy are coming from, hell I have read so many times over the past few years about guys falling, and I have always thought "How stupid can you be". That is why I am so surprised to find myself in this predicament.

I guess, the best way to get where I want to be is step away for a while and see how things change. Maybe take a short break from the hobby altogether.

Where is my fishing rod? Hell, better yet, I just need to get another sailboat. Originally Posted by txsailor47

Just step away brother... Step away. Please go back and read some of YOUR post in this thread... You seem to be debating with yourself on the thing you NEED to do, versus indulging in the fantasy you've created in your mind.

The OTC time you've spent with her was an investment to get to the
wallet-promise land. (IMO) I am in no means trying to portray her as a bad person, this is the game WE play Buddy and you were an emotional casualty... This time, but those anxious feeling you're having WILL end in time and you'll be a smarter man and/or hobbyist afterwards

Hey Sailor,
You're a good writer (complete sentences, proper syntax, an understanding of grammar). I recommend writing your frustrations and inner dialogue into a journal. To make it less personal and easier to get onto the page, try writing a play or short story about other people going through a similar scenario.

It may help to separate reality from fantasy, and one of your "characters" contains the way out of this for you (drawing from your own subconscious, of course).

As for your marriage-- don't forget, she's GOT to be feeling just as isolated and lonely as you; that means you have something in common! You can make it work if you want to, but it can never be "like it once was." You'll have to set new goals and expectations for the future and get to know a "new" person.

Thank you for sharing your feelings with us; we respect you more for it.

PS, resist the urge to become a stalker--it never ends well. Seriously, it could lead to arrests and divorce that end in you losing everything.

Double PS, PM me if you want to go sailing; I've got an Melges E-scow that will go 3 times the speed of the wind!

I don't even know where to begin. I thought I was smarter than this, I thought I understood the game and could keep all of this under control, thus getting the release that I needed to stay in a sexless, and apparently loveless marriage. I met this waitress at one of the clubs a while back, she approached me and gave me a definite impression. We ended up going to VIP and having a fantastic time. Before long we were playing OTC and it was great, long sessions, lots of good convo, laughing, eating out, etc. I began to fall in love with her, even though I was pretty sure that to her this was just business. But, I was enjoying this so much I didn't want to stop. I recently became aware of the fact that she is doing VIP with other guys and this shattered the illusion I had that "I was special" and that she was just seeing me on the side and accepting my gifts as she could use a little extra money. I began to feel jealous, I did not and will not express this openly other than here. Because it is stupid for me to feel this way. Even though I knew our arrangement was business, I felt that she treated me special and felt SOMETHING for me. I think she does enjoy our time together, but I stupidly thought I was the only one she was entertaining.

What I do not understand is how this happened, I have seen several strippers over the years and several providers, many of them have been quite fun and I enjoyed them, but when I left I felt good and had no illusions as to what was going on. Some how or another I lost control on this one. Now, I feel miserable most of the time when I am not with her. I can be in a good mood and if she doesn't text back from work for an hour or better I envision that she is with another guy in VIP taking care of him. Now... it is important that you realize something.... I have never been jealous in my life, I often used to think it would be a turn on to have girlfriend that was a stripper and watch her from across the room giving lap dances. Somehow, now I am not so sure.

Now I don't know what to do. I know I should quit seeing her, but I feel as if no other stripper/provider can replace her. I have thought maybe it is time to leave my marriage so that I can enter into a normal healthy relationship, but I am hesitant to do that. I have two kids that are in high school and I made a commitment years ago to myself not screw up again like I did in my first marriage. I think that what I have realized is that I miss intimacy, she woke that up in me and now I am stuck.

I have not mentioned any of this to her or anyone, there is no one that I can admit any of this to. So I just wanted to throw this out there, that maybe just getting it off my chest will help me to realize that I need to just give up the hobby, take up fishing, forget about her, and ever having intimacy. I apparently didn't need it six months ago, I can get over it. But I don't want to.

I doubt any of this made any sense, but thanks for listening. Originally Posted by txsailor47

Nice post. I know I'm late to the party on this one but...

Don't beat yourself up. Chemistry between two people is largely out of your control. You DO want to get over it. Yeah, you feel young again and it's awesome. Everyone likes to get high on a muse once in while.

If you are really in a dead relationship you may be just realizing how much you resent your wife. If you are the sole breadwinner that may sting even more. If you are in your 40's you are realizing that TIME is the single most valuable thing you have. You know buying more toys won't really make you happy and you just want a little PSE with your intimacy.

It's best to just let it go. Real feelings or not. As for your commitment to yourself not to screw up like you did in your first marriage...well that went out the window when you embarked on a 2nd marriage! I guess we are all optimists in that regard.

Didn't someone suggest trying 10 new hookers?

To the OP - man, I feel your pain. This happened to me many years ago, and it was hell trying to get out of it. I won't bore you with the details - lets just say it was a complicated situation, but at the time, I was unmarried, and had the ability to pursue it (which proved to be one of my bigger mistakes, in retrospect).

Disclaimer - I am unmarried, therefore, my advice may be total crap for a married man.

Anyway, the only things I can say are:
1) Kudos to you for finding that part of yourself that was lost (the part that makes you feel this strongly).
2) Don't kick yourself - yeah, this may not be your wisest move, but as Billy Joel said "Our mistakes are the only thing that we can truly call our own".
3) Try to separate out "what is wrong with your marriage" from "how do you feel about this girl". Resolve each problem individually - if you blend "I'm crazy for this girl" with "what is wrong with my marriage", it will only make your marriage look worse and this girl look better.
4) She may be as confused as you, and not know what is going on or what is expected. However, while I agree that speaking out (as mentioned above) is usually very good advice, I would recommend against it in this case. In my experience, once she knew how I felt (she initially reciprocated), I think something changed with her, and I found myself pouring more money, time, and emotion into trying to sustain the relationship. And as mentioned before, if you are the kind of guy that will leave your wife over this, that will likely be in the back of her mind, even if everything did work out, and likely introduce bad elements to a future relationship.

Maybe you SHOULD get a divorce, maybe you should try counseling, but neither of those decisions should have anything to do with this lady. That is between you and your wife alone, and it is always amazing how much two people who live together can grow apart without realizing it. Cut the cord on your relationship with this lady - I'm not stoning her by any stretch, but I cannot see any positive outcome for you from continuing.

But - above all (bears repeating from above) - don't beat yourself up over it. Learn what you can from the experience, use it to improve your situations (now you know more about what is missing from your life and what you want), and move forward making the clearest and best decisions you can.

As someone who faced a similar situation years ago, I feel for ya', man...I truly do.

I also enjoy the time that I spend with my regulars, but I have had a few overstep boundaries.

This is incredibly uncomfortable for a provider. She may giggle and call you silly or say she likes you too, but inside she's freaking out. We are all here to have fun. When someone gets jealous and possessive, it stops being fun.

Unless you are willing to take her off the market and make sure her needs (including financial), it wpould probably be best to walk away. My experience is that once these feelings start, they don't go away.

Good luck! Originally Posted by Kiera

To the OP - man, I feel your pain. This happened to me many years ago, and it was hell trying to get out of it. I won't bore you with the details - lets just say it was a complicated situation, but at the time, I was unmarried, and had the ability to pursue it (which proved to be one of my bigger mistakes, in retrospect).

Disclaimer - I am unmarried, therefore, my advice may be total crap for a married man.

Anyway, the only things I can say are:
1) Kudos to you for finding that part of yourself that was lost (the part that makes you feel this strongly).
2) Don't kick yourself - yeah, this may not be your wisest move, but as Billy Joel said "Our mistakes are the only thing that we can truly call our own".
3) Try to separate out "what is wrong with your marriage" from "how do you feel about this girl". Resolve each problem individually - if you blend "I'm crazy for this girl" with "what is wrong with my marriage", it will only make your marriage look worse and this girl look better.
4) She may be as confused as you, and not know what is going on or what is expected. However, while I agree that speaking out (as mentioned above) is usually very good advice, I would recommend against it in this case. In my experience, once she knew how I felt (she initially reciprocated), I think something changed with her, and I found myself pouring more money, time, and emotion into trying to sustain the relationship. And as mentioned before, if you are the kind of guy that will leave your wife over this, that will likely be in the back of her mind, even if everything did work out, and likely introduce bad elements to a future relationship.

Maybe you SHOULD get a divorce, maybe you should try counseling, but neither of those decisions should have anything to do with this lady. That is between you and your wife alone, and it is always amazing how much two people who live together can grow apart without realizing it. Cut the cord on your relationship with this lady - I'm not stoning her by any stretch, but I cannot see any positive outcome for you from continuing.

But - above all (bears repeating from above) - don't beat yourself up over it. Learn what you can from the experience, use it to improve your situations (now you know more about what is missing from your life and what you want), and move forward making the clearest and best decisions you can.

As someone who faced a similar situation years ago, I feel for ya', man...I truly do. Originally Posted by Luvdatpuddy

I was in a similar situation when I was married. I agree with everything but #4. As hard as it will be, you need to break contact with this young lady quickly. This is for self preservation. You have the information that tells you that you are not the only on but you have not really accepted it yet because it still burns.

She really does enjoy being with you. Undeniable, BUT she only does this when there is some form of payback (not necessarily monetary). The time spent without actually exchanging cash is what makes this seem real and not a transaction.That is what confused me. You may be giving her great life/financial/common sense advice and helping her greatly. The fact that you are not exchanging actual money sometimes makes this look and feel like there is a relationship She is always glad to see you because you have something she wants. She is excited to see you, talk to you, and accept your help and, in some cases, take your cash (or let you pay a bill because she was having a tough time). Sound familiar?


Hell, we may have been hanging with the same girl. She may have told you that she had to meet with someone at an odd time and you understood. She was providing for someone else. She did not lie to you but you were/are not the only one. Another thing to look at is "what benefit has she been to you?" More than likely the only thing you are getting is great BCD time, some fun pillow talk and some texting but nothing else. Nothing that adds to the value of your life.

Cut ties now before your emotions put you in a worse spot. The next time you go in the club (don't stop going to the club) get a different young lady. Go in on days she is not scheduled. Remember, this is for YOUR self preservation, not to keep her happy with you. It will take some time and some days you will feel as crappy as you do now. But each day you will feel better, even if it does not feel like it.


Only AFTER you finish with this situation, go address your marriage. You won't be able to work on (or dissolve) your marriage with this on your mind and heart.

Good luck man. Shoot me a PM if you need to, would be glad to talk to you or just be a sounding board.

Have fun....

I think sir you should play the ground with others, what gets u over pussy besides pussy lol and theres alot of it. Maybe you sticking to just the one when your lacking itamacy with the s/o, you then saw her as the next loved one. If you stick to one its personal, play around then it becomes fun and then watch sooner or later you'll be telling someone else advice when the next guy comes around and makes the same mistake.
Play hard, have fun, stay safe

This is the hardest thing to do, but it HAS to be done:

Turn and walk away from her. Like others have said get involved with someone else, get involved with a RW hobby, keep your self busy with your job, odd projects, etc. It will take time, but eventually you will start forgetting about her, and may even slap yourself while saying, "What the hell was I thinking?!"

I'm only saying this because I have been EXACTLY where you are, my fellow hobbiest.

Turn and walk away from her.
Originally Posted by cinnamonshark

This, amplified. You have to realize that we play in a different world on ECCIE, and that it's quite possible you're in love with a fantastical version of a woman unachievable in the real world. This person does not sound like a real human being, or at least, she's not exposing you to the more negative sides of her humanity that come with being a woman or even a person. Women can be just as irritable, ornery, and aloof as they can be sexual, satisfying, and intimate - I guarantee you're only seeing half of the emotions listed, or a slanted version of them at best.

Your love for this person cannot flourish into anything remotely permanent - you met her while in the midst of your own infidelity. Why would she ever trust you? How could you trust her when she's played the role of homewrecker to your wife and children? I'm sure it feels great to be with her, but when reality seeps in, neither of your behaviors is admirable, much less anything you'd want a serious, life-long commitment with. I'm assuming that's the kind of relationship you're wanting.

If you want to find a commitment with someone like her (although in all probability the new girl would be older), leave the provider and leave your wife, and stop hobbying. A meaningful commitment cannot grow within these forums EXCEPT for a provider/john or between providers and johns. Join a dating site or something and get rolling that way.

If you want to keep seeing the provider, keep seeing her and stop wearing your heart on your sleeve. Most of all, stop sobbing about it and stay around for what the relationship IS, not what it could be or what you've fantasized it to be. The road to redemption for your marriage is more complicated than can be outlined, and if you want that, I wish you luck.

Finally, if you don't know what the fuck you want, join the club. One way to start finding out what you want would be to stop seeing her and use your hobby money for some INDIVIDUAL counseling, with a woman psychiatrist. Go for a year, confess your sins, and attempt to learn about yourself through therapy. Once you find what you want, chase it and ignore the other things mentioned above, and especially ignore the provider, while staying attentive to your family's needs. I imagine that would be the only true path to fulfillment. I doubt you'll find happiness diving into endless pussy, but I need to get off my high horse for the moment. Good luck.

I feel strongly that the following is true:

1. Your feelings are natural. Your brain got you into it but something primal has reared up. Occupational hazard. You shouldn't beat yourself up.

2. Run. Far. Fast. Don't look back. Ever. Don't dither. Don't tie up loose ends. Leave your shoes.

I think "tell her" is awful advice. In the context you are in, you will have zero chance of knowing if her response (any response) is sincere or calculated. It's a bummer, but it's where you are at with her based on the approach (P4P). One thing you can assume is that most providers have acting skills, emotional intelligence and can read you like a book. That allows them to be excellent courtesans, but in the situation you are in an unscrupulous woman could destroy you and everyone you care about for personal gain.

Even if you remove that concern, I feel any attempt to act on your emotions is a breach of trust with the provider. The joke is that her job is to leave, but the truth is so is yours.

My 2 cents. I'm not all knowing or any shit like that, but this sounds right to me.

I could talk to her for you, what's her name and where does she work...?

The joke is that her job is to leave, but the truth is so is yours. Originally Posted by irishlad

good.