You Can't Make this Stuff Up: Humor in The Hobby

cayden caramel - that one made me laugh out loud !

Gbfsl - scary shit man, you're one brave fucker !

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He starts eating my pussy very roughly and then suddenly,, I hear gagging and then something warm and gooey on me. He's PUKING ON ME!!!
....... Originally Posted by cayden caramel

.......
My damn dick is on fire and I am laughing. WTF.
....... Originally Posted by Gbfsl

Life altering moments!

I had a provider offer to take her teeth out. She said BJs are better that way. I declined the offer. I'm not sure if the shock I felt showed on my face, but I'm pretty sure it must have. She wasn't old and she wasn't tore up looking so I was shocked that she had removable teeth. Originally Posted by Cornelius

I either saw her or someone like her. She offered to take out her teeth for her world famous "gummie". She was right, it was worth it. This has been many years ago.

Well. I have two that are embarrassing about myself. One I will save to tell at another time, but I will say both times were a result of me having had too much to drink. And they both happened when I was working with Kelly TNT in Addison.


So, premise:
A guy on here that I've chatted with for YEARS and even went to see a movie with a few years back finally decided to book with me. I think it was supposed to be for 90 minutes.

I got so NERVOUS about seeing him I started drinking right away when I got to the apartment. Vodka Sprite, a few shots of fireball PLUS I asked him to bring the beverage that does me in every time. Tuaca.

Arrival, things are great. Friendly, I can hold a conversation etc.

Fast forward after the first 30 minutes after getting a pop out of the way, I have some tuaca. Like probably 4 shots worth. I down it.

Apparently I started telling him all this stuff about my life that I normally do not disclose. I start texting a friend. He had to step out and get Kelly. I know at that point I was no longer able to function very well as a human being.

She sends him on his way, says she will talk to me about it when I'm sober and fixes me some strong coffee. I sleep for a bit. Have sobered up and I blow up his phone with apologies.

Turned out he still came back to see me and even tipped me.

It was such a horrible representation of myself. I was so ashamed.

I recently have really cut down my drinking. It lead to this extra weight I'm working off.

How about those uncomfortably long and loud queefs! I had that happen to me twice after exiting the promised land. I'm surprised we haven't gotten any cunnilingus fart stories yet.

How about those uncomfortably long and loud queefs! I had that happen to me twice after exiting the promised land. I'm surprised we haven't gotten any cunnilingus fart stories yet. Originally Posted by Recurve Jones

I kid you not. Just yesterday I told my SO about me holding in a fart while a client was going down on me recently. We talked about me starting a thread about all the fart stories there must be out there, whether you are giving or receiving. So many titles I could have used, but thank goodness I've never had a guy fart in my face while I was doing my business on him.

I had a provider fart on me once when we were shifting positions. She apologized, but I played it off and pretended I didn't know what she was talking about, wasnt loud, but it smelled quite rancid.

That is about the funniest story I have in my six plus months in hobbyland.

WTF !!! Seriously !!!!

Was in The Philippines one night and had been drinking rather heavily with friends there. The next thing I know I found myself in a hotel that specialized in any form of debauchery one can imagine. Each room offered different services. I found myself in a room with a lady that spoke no English whatsoever. She started with a nice table shower and body rub. Nice BJ and HJ.
Next thing I know she drapes a washcloth over my dick and balls. She sprays something on the cloth and then lights it. Yes, lights that MF. I look down and my dick is on fire (well, technically the cloth is on fire with my dick underneath it). All I can remember is I was so drunk all I could do was laugh. My damn dick is on fire and I am laughing. WTF.

It finally got to a point of being a little uncomfortable and my dick starting to burn, so I am making all kinds of gestures for her to do something. So she slowly pulls the burning cloth off my dick and immediately grabs a handful of ice that was in a bowl by her side and covers my rather hot dick in ice cubes. After about 15 seconds of applying the ice she put my dick in her mouth and I experienced one of the most intense orgasms of my life.

Don't know why, but that combination of fire and ice, and then her warm mouth made me explode like Addison on the 4th of July.

Somewhat scary at the time, having your dick set on fire, but funny as hell when I share the story with people now. Originally Posted by Gbfsl

Cayden - That would have been really awkward and funny too !!! Lol..

Warning: this one is disgusting.

So, I go to meet this guy at his hotel and it's about 5 or 6pm on a Sunday. He insists we meet down at the bar, so I say okay. I get there and he is drinking a beer. He asks if I want anything and I order a water. When I got there, the guy didn't seem drunk at all. Maybe a little outgoing, but not drunk. By the time he finished the beer and we were walking up to his room, he was stumbling and holding onto the wall for support. At this point, I'm thinking "oh shit" to myself, but I decide to keep going. Stupid me.

We get into the room and take our clothes off and start (kind of) going at it. When I was giving him a BJ, he fell asleep, so I stopped and asked if he wanted me to just leave. He groggily says, "come here" and throws me on top of him so we are in 69. He starts eating my pussy very roughly and then suddenly,, I hear gagging and then something warm and gooey on me. He's PUKING ON ME!!!

He throws me off of him and runs to the bathroom and finishes puking his brains out. I'm standing there, gagging and trying not to throw up myself. I then have to go into the bathroom and rinse myself off the best I can while he is hovering over the toilet. I put my clothes on and set a bottle of water next to his bed with 2 aspirins.

The next day, he calls me to apologize and tells me that he NEVER drinks like that and doesn't know what happened. I tell him his apology is accepted, but I never see him again. Originally Posted by cayden caramel

WTF !!! Seriously !!!! Originally Posted by ScrewDriver01

LOL. Serious as a heart attack, Screwdriver. Like the title says, "You can't make this stuff up."

I should write a book about some of the stuff I have done in my travels. Asian countries have offered some of the most unique, "can't make this stuff up" moments imaginable.

Many an interesting night in the brothels of Macau. Some of the strangest shit ever in Shanghai where you get a lady for the entire night for a couple hundred dollars and they do things they don't even have acronyms for. The courtesans in Japan have performed some of the kinkiest shit ever, but they are so polite and do it with such style that it seems ever so proper.

Then, again, I have been to clubs in Germany and Spain where activities take place that should be outlawed.

Hell, I guess the bottom line is the entire world is made up of countries that are full of people who love sex. That sex can take many forms and so many activities that are hard to imagine for most people. I think it is the one thing we all have in common.

To bad we can't all just fuck more and fight less. JS

dont tell me you passed on a gumjob? there's nothing like it...once you've had it you'll never look at a blue hair the same way again. Originally Posted by darkwader

Part of the reason I was so shocked is that she wasn't a blue hair. She was fairly young and attractive. I'm thinking there may have been certain activities that she participated in that caused her teeth to fall out. Either way, I passed it up and I honestly don't regret it. Maybe I missed out, but that wasn't a place I was ready to go yet.

Gbfsl - I would so read that book if you ever got around to writing it. I enjoy your commentary and reviews, so a book would be awesome.

Gbfsl - I would so read that book if you ever got around to writing it. I enjoy your commentary and reviews, so a book would be awesome. Originally Posted by OneStarLuck07

Thanks, OneStar. When it's finished you get the first autographed copy. Lol

It has been interesting to say the least. Have fun out there.

+1

Gbfsl - I would so read that book if you ever got around to writing it. I enjoy your commentary and reviews, so a book would be awesome. Originally Posted by OneStarLuck07