How does one to be a domina/mistress/dominant woman?

I think there is a part of me which is dominant, I just have not been able to express it in the bedroom.

As a gift to my husband for Valentine's day, I actually bought him a session with a domme tonight, I am going to go along and maybe learn a thing or two.... Originally Posted by BellaIsabella

I started as a sub, but have grown to prefer being a Dom. I have a subby and I love to Dominate her. I also have a Mistress that I love to be sub for. Needle play is usually getting into the realm of Sado/Maso. That is something that I think you have a natural desire for or not. Physical pain is a whole different aspect that does not have to be a part of Domination/Submission. There is a large difference between bondage and discipline and sadomasicism. For the average newbe...enjoy the newness of it. Explore what you and your partner both like slowly. It is different for everyone. Keep in mind, some doors are made to be fantasy between partners. Once they are opened, you may not like what you find. Start with lists, games, movies, reading, and shopping sprees to the local fun shops. You both need to have in mind what you want to experience between each other and what should stay fantasy. Many times some fantasies are better kept fantasies. These usually last a lot longer and do a lot less damage. Ex. So many are so ready to see thier partner with another partner, only to regret it later for so many reasons. You may not have a problem with another whipping his butt, but when she removes her skirt and forces ass worship.....well. Start slow, and learn. There is not a subby alive Male or Female that does not enjoy a slow and demanding journey.

He has expressed an interest in "financial domination", as well as a little pain. The traditional domme/sub activities I understand ( whips and light bondage and that sort of thing) but I don't understand the financial thing so much. I did some research and mostly its a bunch of websites/blogs of women asking for things and money ( some of them just look as if they want a sugar daddy). He said it would be sexy if he could watch me dominate other men financially as well as physically. How does one do this?

He has expressed an interest in "financial domination", as well as a little pain. The traditional domme/sub activities I understand ( whips and light bondage and that sort of thing) but I don't understand the financial thing so much. I did some research and mostly its a bunch of websites/blogs of women asking for things and money ( some of them just look as if they want a sugar daddy). He said it would be sexy if he could watch me dominate other men financially as well as physically. How does one do this? Originally Posted by BellaIsabella

Umm, well, there's not much to "see" with financial domination. It's a very murky "fetish", that is questionable at best - in my opinion. You are correct that a LOT of it is simply a woman looking for a sugar daddy / something-for-free. But there are a lot of fetishes out there, and I certainly don't profess to understand them all.

But basically you let men give you money. You may, or may not, return something to them. Maybe you'll send them a pair a panties every month (scented with you of course) for XX level of donations. Others may want to see/hear from you, and the odd duck might just want to give you money and have no interaction at all. Plus there's some guys who might want you to control their finances (take their paycheck, pay bills, dole out allowance, etc) You need to determine what you are wanting/willing to do in return.

One thing to be careful of is getting hooked/used to financial domination. It's very easy to get used to the "free" money. But just like it started, it can end with no warning. The people that typically partake in financial domination do it for their own internal reasons, and if they find someone else that will give them more bang for their bucks, they will typically simply terminate the relationship. Plus sometimes people lose their fetish spending money, which means no more payments.

I still don't get how your BF will get anything out of it, except perhaps the knowledge that you are getting free money. Which, I guess, is it's own fetish.

I'm still not sure what he will get out of it either, I think he likes the idea of me being in control of the money ( I am the primary earner in our house).

Maybe the thought of other men giving money enforces his fantasy that I am an alpha woman, I dunno, I guess his fetishes are his fetishes,and if he is LUCKY I might just indulge them in some of them LOL

Lol. yeah, story of a lot of men there Isabella!

Maybe he's asking for you to take on more of a dominant role in the household by asking for these things. Or maybe right now its just a phase thing, where he's wanting to give up some of the responsibility for things to you?

Isabella, you didn't say how the Valentines night went?

There is one sure fire way to find out what he wants...teasing and denial. If you are the Dom.. it is your right and duty to take control. If he is holding back, well,....there is very little a whip, sexy dress, and teasing won't bring out.

Some thoughts:

Since you run the money in the house already...he may want to do things for you for an allowance. This would take him into a house boy mode (servitude). Chores and various duties, sexual or not, must be met to allow him his money and pleasure. It puts him into a place of servitude for hire and you ARE the Boss. Most all subs find pleasure in pleasing thier Dom, unless they just like pain. Always, they pray for that treat for good behavior. In the instance of a 24/7 couple, financial servitude could excite the sub by placing your demands and his pleasure on a schedule. If done right it can enforce exactly what you want to gain (pleasure or honey do's), and gives him a thrill beyond the everyday by his submissive acts. Remember, a deal is a deal. A Dom always has the right to not keep their end of the bargan, but in a couple that could get ugly....or not. Think teenage boys, chores, allowance, everyday schedules than add...sex, teasing, sexual subservience all the way down to his proper greatings whenyou get home. Have him put on a thong and paint your porch naked while you watch. Sit back in a chair and drink martinees while giving him admiration for his job. If he is a true sub and has been naughty... make him change into your undees while you watch. See if he likes that you are pleased "such a sexy little man bitch", or disgusted "that is exactly what you deserve pig". This will show that he wants to please you with his body, or that he wants to please you by submission. Pay him twenty when he is through, the rest is when you get yours...HAHA..your payoff. You get the idea. If you have a holiday coming up...he is going to have to work overtime.

The other part..." wanting to watch me financially dominate other men", is a little different. This is part two of a fantasy. Now please do not get mad at me saying, but it sounds like he wants to see you as Dom with others but only over the media. That was what I said about "doors". I am not sure if you are swingers or not, but it sounds like he wants to see you Dom other men, but with him as your real life pleeser. The "door" being that he wants you to Dom others in media fantasy, but him in real life. If you financially dominate another on line, you have struck a bargan to show another sub the same type things that I talked about earlier. The difference being that you don't have to fulfill your part of the bargain. That goes along with what others are saying about what a rip it can be.

I sort of think that this request may be a way to move you into a position to try being a Dom exhibitionist with him as a leading subby. He may also just want to be the hidden voyeur. It does put you into a position that you may feel obligated to do to others as he wants done to him...hahahaha, so to speak. This is not a bad thing whether you are willing or not. It does show that he is very proud of you, sensually and sexually. All males, sub or not, want others to see what a lovely person they have in their domain/exsitence.

By the way, if he does continue to push this, it can be considered "topping from the bottom", and that act is usually dealt with harshly....Mistress. Feel the power.

Start step one with a little drink and than probe...don't worry about hurting him with a whip...he asked for it. Do NOT forget, he is doing this for his desires for YOU. He sounds like a man that is trying to keep things new, be open with his wife, and not ever lose her for something that should be fun for both.

Just my thoughts..I am no shrink.

But...a very lucky man...

Had a surprisingly good Valentine's day for a person who hates Valentine's day. I wrote about our experience with the domme in my blog, so you may read it if you like.

I think being kind of dominant for a change is totally liberating.

This morning, I actually made him make me breakfast which was a lot of fun. ( This is also in my in my blog as well)

We actually are swingers , so I think this might play into it...

Not sure what to do yet about the financial domination thing on the 'net. Still thinking this over, let me know if you have any ideas...

Isabella.

Had a surprisingly good Valentine's day for a person who hates Valentine's day. I wrote about our experience with the domme in my blog, so you may read it if you like.

I think being kind of dominant for a change is totally liberating.

This morning, I actually made him make me breakfast which was a lot of fun. ( This is also in my in my blog as well)

We actually are swingers , so I think this might play into it...

Not sure what to do yet about the financial domination thing on the 'net. Still thinking this over, let me know if you have any ideas...

Isabella. Originally Posted by BellaIsabella

I posted this comment on your blog Isabella, but I thought I would also share with the rest of the class here.

The dommes-do-not-have-sex-with-their-submissives is a bit of a misnomer. As far as I can tell its a carryover from the pro-domme world. A professional dominatrix does not have sex with her client (usually). Some of this is due to their not wanting to be labeled 'prostitute', some of it is because they fear being looked down upon by their peers in the community, some of it is a bit of arrogance on their part in thinking that no sub male is 'worthy' of their pussy,
and some just don't have a desire to do it.

But the one golden rule is that you establish your own rules in your own relationship. To hell with what anyone else thinks or desires. Your relationship is just that - yours. It's not the "rulemakers", it's not anyone else's business what goes on between you and your submissive in the privacy of your own home. If you and your partner(s) are safe, happy and comfortable with the activities, then you are exactly where you need to be.

To each their own.

Thanks for the comment. I think the Domme that shared the session with my husband and I is strictly professional, so was probably giving me the info on what a professional domme does vs. one who is practicing it with their spouse/boyfriend, I know this sounds contrary to him being a slave and all, but I am doing it mainly because I want to please him, he totally gets off on this kind of stuff, and I get a kick out of it too.

I got a comment on my blog from some lady who was horrified that I was treating him that way, I think some narrow minded people who are not framilliar with BSDM don't get that what I am doing is really for his satisfaction.

Mistress Isabella,

Thanks for reminding me of your blog. I read all of your posts and I have to say again...what a lucky man Marc is. I am very embarassed that I have talked to you like a complete newbee....I am truly sorry if I have bored you or insulted your knowledge in any way.

Krunkman...great answer. I totally agree. What anyone does is their business. Prodoms will almost always say "no sex". It keeps the scene profesional and makes their visit nothing more than a different type of sensual massage.

One of my first favorite Mistresses was a lesbian (non pro). She understood men and their desires because they followed her same thoughts for women. She and I became friends because I respected her boundries, but I was always a little intrigued in how loving she could be towards me with touching and kissing and her desire to make sure I was having fun. I became her total pet.
I met her girlfriend many times. I know that my Dom had no eyes but for her. I could see why. Anyway...I digress.

Isabella,
I did say something about an allowance. That seems to have come true. You have already started the chores, "late for my dinner". He has turned his wallet over which was very loving in the way he did that. He is very much a sub and in total love and trust with you.

I am not into financial domination, but I can see the why. Marc likes the semi ruff stuff (pros are not easy) and humiliation. That can be very fun for you.

Suggestions for fun:

When the bills are due..write the checks and put them in Easter eggs. Hide them in the back yard and have him search. You can guess the rest. Use empty eggs and full ones. Bad things could happen for empties.

If he needs cash, hide it on your body. Make him guess with punishment for wrong answers. Hint..an egg vibe hollowed out can be a great hiding spot or taped under your arm.

Bills mean a pain for you, use clothes pins on his body for every hundred you have to pay. Whip them off of him for payment.

Make him cum into a glass and make him lick his cum to lick the envelopes. Nasty but effective. Bill collectors deserve it anyway.

I have a hundred of these.

There is a huge amount of money to be made on private web sights. Since he is a photographer, than give him a hobby outlet. Make a web page and offer custom pics for those into the subject. You could talk on the phone or on line to those that you have sent shots to about how it was taken...or better yet send them with your writings. You are very good at it by the way. True subs do not need a face. They simply want attention to their fetish. Marc can give input to what they want...he is one. It would really turn him on to how you both could pose and it would push his fetish further by how you set the rules.

You can invite friends to the photo sessions...etc. A hundred dollar bill, wrapped in a condom, poking from a Ladys privates with a subs tongue licking it..hmmmmmmm..

Last night I ended up having to order a pizza because he too busy working on his photoshopping his photos, you better believe I got out that whip! LOL.

He said he wants to quit photography and come "work for me."

Last night I ended up having to order a pizza because he too busy working on his photoshopping his photos, you better believe I got out that whip! LOL.

He said he wants to quit photography and come "work for me." Originally Posted by BellaIsabella

Lol... Well, if he's wanting to be submissive to you and experience financial domination, then it would only be right that you decided FOR him if he can quit his dayjob or not.

From what you said, maybe a short break would be good. But if the photography is helping you with business, then perhaps you should endeavor to keep him doing it to generate income for the relationship. Plus as a little reminder to him who's the one in charge here.

Speaking of reminders... have you thought about experimenting with chastity with him? Basic chastity devices can be purchased relatively cheaply and they do make an impression on many men. And with the key you can use him when YOU want to...

Just a little food for thought.

You can start as an apprentice....

Very insightful ecspecially a turn on when hearing about learning to be dominant but how does one learn or rather become better at being a sub?