Decision Crisis: Hobby and Marriage

Love your wife, fuck a provider. You'll enjoy them more than you think. But if you can't love your wife without sex, you've got a decision to make. Most of us on this board have already made ours, one way or the other.

Sexless marriages can suck, just ask my brother. His wife was unwilling to show him any affection, criticized him and accused him of looking at every woman he saw as if he wanted to fuck her (he likely did since she wouldn't do it!). He went to a therapist, then told his wife she could join him if she'd like to try to improve their marriage. Initially, she refused, claiming that if HE had a problem that required therapy he was free to go. It was only after my brother told her that he found sex to be an important part of a marriage and, if she was no longer interested in being his sexual parther she either (a) had a different puhilosophy than him re what constitutes a marriage and they needed to separate temporarily and see how she felt if he wasn't a part of her life; or (b) they could remain married and friends but he intended to find an outlet for his sexual desires. After she finished throwing just about every breakable item against a wall and threatening to slash his tires if he tried to leave she calmed down long enough to give the therapy a shot. Didn't work. He left her, took a horrific financial hit, became horribly depressed for about 6 month, then met an unbelievable woman, got his love of life back, rebuilt his finances, remarried and today looks and acts happier than I've seen him since high school.

A bad marriage is a slow poison. It WILL kill you; emotionally, financially, spiritually. Give it your best shot for the sake of the vows you took. You have to make peace with yourself that you gave it every chance in the world. After that, if BOTH of you can't resolve the differences then its time to walk, if not run, away. Life is too fucking short to be miserable. Money may not grow on trees but you'll find a way. Once she's no longer your wife she can't claim a share of your income in Texas. God bless this state! Make certain tat you do NOT fuck around on her if you plan on leaving her since it'll likely be discovered by her divorce attorney. Document your efforts to save the marriage. Keep a journal/diary of your attempts at romance, including her response(s) to your advances. Family Court is a tough place and you'll need evidence against her to demonstrate your good faith attempts at healing the marriage.

Naively asking what's the big deal about the divorce attorney knowing about hobybing? Isn't she entitled to 1/2 anyways in Texas? Is there some magic way out of that?

It's not always a 50/50 split. Courts have the right to find that compelling evidence requires one spouse receive more than the other. This most commonly occurs when children and/or infidelity are involved.

Some wives aren't total bitches asking for half, but I'd bet they'd want half if they knew about the hobby.

I agree with a lot of what has previously been said. Talk to her and suggest counseling if needed, it won't get any better on its own. If that's not working you've gotta make the tough choice of whether or not you can do this the rest of your life. If you're thinking divorce start getting your financial/legal ducks in a row. I sure as hell wouldn't mention the hobby. Hang in there and good luck!

Texas currently is a community property state, meaning all assets and liabilities acquired during the marriage are 50/50. But now if you have been married for at least 10 years, your spouse may be eligible for support, i.e. alimony in some circumstances. This of course on top of any child support obligations required. Good luck dude! Don't fear divorce, it isn't the end of the world by any stretch and beats the shit out of cryin at your computer while you post on a hobby board. This shit is supposed to be fun!
L2B

Been there, eventually we both jumped off the ship....But not without trying to fix the broken ship

The advice that people have said about counseling is right on point, first go separately, you never know what the counselor may say to her alone that will make her snap out of it and come around, you go to counseling, same applies, then go together, attempt to reach a common ground. Do all you can to savage your marriage, she came before the hobby (im assuming) and the hobby will be there if the marriage ends, lovely beauties are not going anywhere no time soon, if ever. Family first.

Please do not tell your SO, you have been hobbying, i don't know any woman who would want to hear that. That could lead to nasty results.

Good luck on your decision

1) see a shrink, not for your marriage, to see why your bell clapper isn't working right
2) try dispute resolution to come up with terms of your decree or the best family lawyer you can find if that doesn't work.

life is too short

Never mention the Hobby.
You can possibly share that with your own attorney but I would not even do that. Often infidelity can set the stage for alimony. That information will then become the "sole reason" for the divorce and everyone on both sides of the family, including future generations will know. You will always be the bad guy.

Try to save your marriage if it is worth salvaging. You will know that answer to that after you attempt all of the other steps like counseling.

Thanks very much for the responses. Informative and thoughtful stuff.

Naively asking what's the big deal about the divorce attorney knowing about hobybing? Isn't she entitled to 1/2 anyways in Texas? Is there some magic way out of that? Originally Posted by deuce22

I said he should not tell his doc and his shrink about the hobby. I never said not to tell his lawyer.

Unfortunately, I failed to affirmatively say he should absolutely, without a doubt tell his lawyer about the hobby. That is protected by the attorney client privileged and the lawyer cannot be forced to tell the opposing side in the divorce. However, if his lawyer doesn't know about these details, he cannot do his best to protect the client from disclosure of the details.

The reason it matters is that there can be unequal division of property based on fault.

I said he should not tell his doc and his shrink about the hobby. I never said not to tell his lawyer.

Unfortunately, I failed to affirmatively say he should absolutely, without a doubt tell his lawyer about the hobby. That is protected by the attorney client privileged and the lawyer cannot be forced to tell the opposing side in the divorce. However, if his lawyer doesn't know about these details, he cannot do his best to protect the client from disclosure of the details.
... Originally Posted by TexTushHog

Plus, his lawyer may know a few good gals from other venues!

First of all, quit jacking off! Second of all take a break from this board. That will solve at least half your problem. Third of all. Quit expecting sex from your wife. Just live your life and love your children. Eventually, you will really be horny. Then log on to ECCIE and get laid. Real simple, right?

...and you will not be disappointed.

Look here, my man, you are fucked up and disoriented because your life sucks and you efforts to fix it aren't working. Your ONLY alternative is to find a professional, disinterested third party to ask you the proper questions in order for you to find your way out and see things as they really are. Just do it. If you hesitate or decide on another more "cost effective" course of action, you may want to give a little thought about whether or not you actually like being in your current state. I don't say this to be a prick or a wise-ass but because when people become lost in a morass they can experience something like the Stockholm Syndrome that hostages go through. Look it up, your picture may be next to the article.

Good luck and the very best of wishes in beginning your search.