Decision Crisis: Hobby and Marriage

P.S.

Start putting money in an account that is solely in the name of 1 person you can trust. Your mom, dad, brother? DO NOT have your name anywhere on it, make ONLY CASH deposits.

I repeat:

DO NOT have your name anywhere on it, make ONLY CASH deposits.

DO NOT have your name anywhere on it, make ONLY CASH deposits.


If shit ever hits the fan, her and lawyers wont be splitting this account.

No Hobby Disclosure! This may result in her clearing out joint accounts, kicking you out, and then suing for sole custody due to moral turpitude.

She and her attorney will use it against you, roll your name in the mud, tell all friends and associates, maybe even take an ad in a local paper. This can come to no good.

Seriously, you can try counseling, but I would not hold my hopes up. Start to put money aside for a rainy day, when you need to speak to a rainmaker, and if you feel you must hang on until your girls are out of the house.

If you are having problems now coming to orgasm on P4P, I am guessing that perhaps you should focus on yourself in therapy. You are between a rock and a hard place. Could be your wife has some hidden reason: depression (people retreat), perhaps hormonal, or maybe the act has become painful for some other reason.

Ask yourself this, was she ever hot to trot, and if so, when did she stop. What were the circumstances? Has she had some sort of experience like being "reborn."

Lastly how does she behave with the girls? Does she show them affection? Is she a cold fish with them also.

If you can no longer enjoy the hobby, keep it to yourself. It can only be used against you. Originally Posted by l25_rules

Having been through this exact same situation....Living in house with a beautiful wife, no sex, no kisses, no intimacy! Initially, we engaged regularly. But, I soon realized that I had a higher sex drive than her....where she needed it a few times a year....I needed it five times a week. Big problem to me.

She was a gorgeous women with wonderful values. So, like you, I turned to providers to satisfy my itch. It turned into one hell of an itch. Shit, I itched all the time. I can tell you that it had an enormous impact on my way of thinking.....calling a spade a spade. It turned into an uncontrollable addiction.

I started to justify why I should end the marriage......and did. To this day, its the stupidest thing I've ever done.

She found out about my excursions and went ape shit! After two years of paying her back.....I'm finally able to bring my head ever so slightly above water. Its been two of the hardest years. Physically, mentally and financially.

My advise to you is this. Step out side of your front door.....walk around your home.....look at everything you accomplished. Ask yourself, do I want to leave this? Do I have the energy to start over? Then think about it again and again. Keeping in mind, that when you leave the house. Your alone for real the ex is gone with your two girls and half your shit and the providers only come when they are getting paid. Then your alone! All by yourself.

I can tell you from experience......its a difficult road. Divorce sucks! Moving, court appearances and paying for shit that you already paid for.

It took me two years to get the demons figured out. They are in control now and you can get yours in control as well. You need to figure out your life and what you really want. Sex or a companion? Figure out who really has the problem....you or her?

But, never and I mean never tell her about your hobby. Its gonna cause more damage than good. I think her finding out is what tore me up the most....knowing she did nothing wrong....what I did was wrong and how it twisted up her head.

Good Luck!

what Mr clever said x 1000.

Some very good advice given in this thread. I hope this helps andgood luck to you.

Sex or a companion? Figure out who really has the problem....you or her? Originally Posted by Mr Clever

Mr. C, it sound's like you have, or had a sex addiction. I'm not so sure that this is the case with StormKing. But whatever the situation is, he should never have to choose between having sex or having a companion. He CAN have both.
TopCat

Pretty good advice Mr.Clever I agree with you...so that's why they call you Mr.Clever.
I believe there's more to this story than we are being told.

It would seem he is having neither, unhappy cold affection less marriage and that has even impacted his ability to enjoy the hobby.

Lots of great advice, but talking to therapist seems to be a good first step. Whatever choices you end up making right now you need someone to talk to.

If you tell her, you will lose your children. No offense intended towards your wife, but she doesn't sound like the most open-minded person. She will leave you, divorce you, take the children and ruin you financially. It won't necessarily be her; it will be her divorce lawyers. Indiscretions like this are a wide-open bullseye for lawyers to go after.

A more subtle way of bringing your sexual frustration to her attention might be to let her catch you masturbating. Depending on her "prudishness", this could have the reverse effect as well, but its certainly not as punishable in a civil lawsuit.

Its a tough situation and I don't envy you, my friend. I wish you the best and hope you find peace and balance in your life.

Whether you see it or not this effects everyone- you, her and the kids.

Find a way to be happy! Evaluate your options and while some will require more effort, heartache, time, or money. Evaulate them all on their merits, choose the best one, and execute.

Don't make this decision without consulting with her, she may feel the same way.

Dude.... Went through all that. No kissing, hugging, sex. Hell man, went 7 years without a blowjob. And she was good at them too! After she became pregnant with second child, it got worse. I'm busting my ass working 6-7 days a week, 12 hrs. a day and nothing on the home front. I wasn't even hobbying at that time because it was a lot harder back then (12-13 yrs. ago) without the web. Well one day after a couple of years I had enough and confronted her. Turns out she had been having an affair for months and moved in with him instantly. He wasn't the first one either. There had been several.

So don't beat yourself up because you hobby to get what you need. Just because you're not getting any at home doesn't mean she's not. And you may say "she wouldn't do that" but until you know for sure don't rule it out. Women like sex too! Ask any provider.

But I would never tell an S/O that I was seeing providers no matter what the circumstances.....

I'm just sayin....

Mr. C, it sound's like you have, or had a sex addiction. Originally Posted by topcat19542001

I'm no different than any other "flake" on this board who can't enough of the internet, ale or the ladies. Some, just don't have it in them too admit it. Its very easy to justify and deny.

Your right though, I don't really know his exact situation. But, thats my experience and thats where my advise stems from.

Good Luck!

I think it is highly unlikely that the spark will return to your marriage. I suggest that you try to focus on other things that fill you such as children, friends, pets, work etc. or move on with the knowledge that she has breached your marriage by not providing her obligations as a spouse. An elderly man once told me that peace of mind is the most important thing in the world and I suggest you concentrate on what brings you this (and only you know what that is) I was in a similiar situation and I stayed in the relationship until my children were grown and then I decided it was time to live for me and I am now happily divorced with peace of mind.

Sir,
i usually do not touch these type of topics. Always afraid to offend someone on a sincere level, or give the wrong advice. After being married for 11 years nearly things became to fall apart. We tried long and hard but neither of us were happy. We did it for our kids. Thinking it was what was best for them. However in all honesty, the animosity, depression and just over all trying to force it, was not what was best for them either. We have been divorced a couple of years now. The kids are happier, We have both moved on. Despite a rocky start, he and i are civi to each other. Kids are resilient, they wont be destroyed bc their parents don't live together. In the end they will grow up and have their own life, and You will be in Yours.

If its possible to work things out and be truly happy, by all means that is the best thing. If You cant though staying for Your kids in my opinion is not the answer. i also agree don't tell her about Your affairs. You will hurt her, and often hurt leads to anger. She will use it against You. i also think a professional is the best person to ask about this. None of us are qualified really to be giving such advice. Mine was based on my experience alone. Knowing nothing of You or Your wife, or situation, probably isnt worth the time it took to write. i hope You find peace, and happiness.

P.S.

Start putting money in an account that is solely in the name of 1 person you can trust. Your mom, dad, brother? DO NOT have your name anywhere on it, make ONLY CASH deposits.

I repeat:

DO NOT have your name anywhere on it, make ONLY CASH deposits.

DO NOT have your name anywhere on it, make ONLY CASH deposits.


If shit ever hits the fan, her and lawyers wont be splitting this account. Originally Posted by hou_tx_mm

all under 10K not to attract the attention of the IRS. Gold Coins can be held by said family member...Always has value....Tangible assets if small should be squirreled away. You can bet your ass she has one..

YOU SHOULD NOT OUT YOURSELF IN ANY WAY...

DONT TELL HER!!! That will not solve any problems only create more. And instead of being ambivalent about you, she may have hatred for you and in the worst case your kids may develop hatred twards you. Find a solution, talk to people, get counseling by yourself, with her, something/anything but DO NOT TELL HER.

My 2 cents Originally Posted by hou_tx_mm

EVER. I’m really sorry you are going through such a hard decision. I too stayed in a miserable marriage for years after it was over. I seemed to have reasons then, but for the life of me I can’t recall what they were. Get counseling, leave her, stay with her, but NEVER TELL HER. She will crucify you. Sorry, that’s just how it is.

I ain't gonna sugar coat this....

1. You NEVER strayed outside of marriage...NEVER. If you say you did... might as well go ahead and smear Vaseline on your ass and bend over... you gonna get raped. (legally speaking)

2. Do you enjoy being around your children? How are you going to feel living alone in an apartment and only seeing your children on alternate weekends?

3. You NEVER strayed outside of marriage...NEVER. If you say you did... might as well go ahead and smear Vaseline on your ass and bend over... you gonna get raped. (legally speaking)


4. I don't know what your income bracket is, but you are looking at shelling out several thousand dollars a month in child support. How much hobbying or dating can you afford to do after that and still pay rent on an apartment? No romance without finance!

5. She will still be in your life, as long as the children are minors. Only now instead of indifference, she will intentionally make your life a living Hell. "Daddy doesn't live here anymore because he lied to mommy , cheated mommy and is a very bad person now. Oh, and he doesn't really love us ...never did".

6. Did I mention to deny ever having sex outside of marriage?

7. Unless you have a sweetie on the side already, there is going to be a dry spell before you can even go look for that intimacy and support you crave. You still won't have it and you will have given up what did bring you joy... and if you can't afford a mortgage payment, apartment rental and hobby funds... you'll be living in a van down by the river!

On the other hand if you are not emotionally attached to your home life, are flush with cash and are still young enough, good looking enough to attract throngs of strippers ... and socially graceful enough for dating ... then you should set yourself free ... or at least change your handle to Civil Barrister II...