Jokes

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

Sugar Humor: Who got the $100,000? The Courtesan, Goal-digger or the Sugar Baby?

A very wealthy Sugar Daddy, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest confidants: his Courtesan, his Goal-digger, and his Sugar Baby.

I know, he says, they say ‘you can’t take it with you.’ But who knows? Suppose they’re mistaken. I’d like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it’s useful, I’ll have something.

They each agree to carry out his wish.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the Sugar Daddy passes away. At his funeral, each of the three confidants is seen slipping something into the coffin.

After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the Courtesan turns to the other two and says, I have a confession to make. I’m sadden that I will be losing the income that I once had. As you know, my profession I live off the wealth of my clients. I will need to spend time seeking out another to supplement that income. So, I took $25,000 to keep me afloat and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.

At this the Goal-digger says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, my business is still in the beginning stages and I’m simply overwhelmed by the cost associated with it. The development costs keep increasing and I have nowhere to turn as he was my benefactor. So I took $50,000 from the envelope to cover the costs and put the rest in the coffin as requested.

Fixing the other two in her gaze, the Sugar Baby says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our wealthy Sugar Daddy who has been very generous to us. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.

What's the difference between boyscouts and Jews ?

Boyscouts come home from camp!!!

What more is there to say?

It seems there was a Captain's Mast where a young deck Seaman was accused of dereliction of duty and sleeping on watch. His Division Chief, a BMC, accompanied him to Mast. The Commanding Officer, after reading the charges, looked at the BMC and asked him what kind of a Sailor the seaman was in his eyes. The "Boats" looked squarely at the CO and said, "Captain, he's the biggest waste of skin God ever wrapped around an asshole."

Phone rings, woman answers.

The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching hockey - who shall I say is calling?"

A Houstonian goes into a bar in Louisiana where there is a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?
The guy replies, "Whiskey."
The robot brings back his drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The guy say, "168."
The robot continues to talk about Pearl Fincher Museum of Fine Arts, physics, space exploration, and medical technology.

After the guy leaves and the more he thinks about it, he the more curious he gets, so he decides to go back.
The robot asks, "What's your drink?"
The guy answers, "Whiskey."
The robot returns with his drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man replies, "100."
The robot talks about Nascar, Budweiser, the Texans, and A&M.

The man finishes his drink, leaves, but is so interested in his "experiment" that he decides to try again.
He enters the bar and, as usual, the robot asks him what he want to drink.
The man replies, "Whiskey."
The robot brings the drink and asks, "What's your IQ?"
The man answers, "50."
The robot leans in real close and asks,
"So ... are ... you people ... still happy ... with Annise Parker?"

DatingAds for Seniors found in a Florida Newspaper.

You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of
Anyone retiring and moving north.These are actual ads seen in
''TheVillages'' Florida newspaper.
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY:
Sexy, fashion-conscious voluptuous blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
Fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

SERENITY NOW:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
Meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

WINNING SMILE:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
To share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

BEATLES OR STONES?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.

MEMORIES:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.


My favorite

MINT CONDITION:
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
Many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.


Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.

Guy walks into a drugstore and tells the clerk "Gimme some rubbers with insecticide on 'em."

Clerk says "You mean spermacide."

Guy says "No, insecticide."

Clerk- "Why in the world would you want rubbers with insecticide?"

Guy says "Because my wife's got a bug up her ass and I'm going in after it."

Little boy was very active in school and after being kicked out of 3 school, his mother was told that the sisters at the Catholic school would really know how to handle the kid. Not being

Catholic, the mother was really worried as she knew that her son was a hand full and didn't think that any Nun would be able to handle him ... She felt guilty, but had no idea what else to do. So with a great deal of trepidation she took him to the local priest and head mother of the school...

The little boy was really not listening and trying to run away from the small group. Until he entered the sanctuary, His eyes grew the size of tea cups ... and mouth clamped shut in mid scream ... The priest and Nun eyed each other and a soft nod of their head ... accepted the boy into the school...

Two weeks later the son cleaned up his act, took baths, did his homework, and was kind to all ... The father asked what happened to his now well behaved son ... Shyly the boy looked up at his old father, and said, "When the Priest took me into that big room with all those seats, and I saw that guy NAILED to the cross, I Just KNEW that HERE, they meant business..."

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not very many people know this.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE A "DOG PERSON" TO TRULY APPRECIATE THIS STORY

"Stay!"

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"
"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde, gave me a strange look and said,
(this is going to hurt-- read on)

"Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test. To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

As I was driving home and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family's lives, my friends' lives and what's happening in Paris, Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, Trump, Trudeau, CBC News, the downgrading of our military, 25,000 Syrian refugees, the terrorists infiltrating our border, the illegal's, and how our country is rapidly losing its sanity and its Christianity, I saw a yard sign that said:

NEED HELP?
CALL JESUS
1-800-555-3787

Out of curiosity and desperation, I called the number.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

Men Stuff

I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like: "I'm tired."
"I'm washing my hair."
"I've got a headache."
"I'm your sister."

A woman in labor is in pain and screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed.
He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass, but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!"

I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife.
She was delighted.
I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her.
She was ecstatic.
I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough.
But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts!
Women, I can't figure them out.

A mother-in-law said to her son's wife when their baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son."
The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a photo-copier."

Dear Dr. Phil:
I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing top-less from my bedroom window.
As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded ... watching me.
Is she a pervert or what?

A guy gets a call at work from the police telling him that his house had been robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes, then the guy says, "I can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!"

Got this text from my brother recently.
It read, "Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick.
For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"

Sorry for not calling you on New Year's, but I just got out of jail.
I was locked up for punching the shit out of this idiot at a party.
In my defense, when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

My wife just came in and said, "I don't know if I'm coming or going."
I said to her, "Judging by the look on your face you're going, because when you're coming you look like a squirrel trying to whistle!"

I saw a fortune teller the other day.
She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I screwed a girl named Penny.
Is that spooky or what?

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?"
Apparently, "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly!" wasn't the right answer.

Hats are better than boots

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over, "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!"

Furious, Bert yelled,

"AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope," she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!"

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert, shoulda bought a hat."