I Screwed Up and Fell for a Provider

Kinda of a double sided coin, first you fuck, then you get fucked.. find a new dream.

This, amplified. You have to realize that we play in a different world on ECCIE, and that it's quite possible you're in love with a fantastical version of a woman unachievable in the real world. This person does not sound like a real human being, or at least, she's not exposing you to the more negative sides of her humanity that come with being a woman or even a person. Women can be just as irritable, ornery, and aloof as they can be sexual, satisfying, and intimate - I guarantee you're only seeing half of the emotions listed, or a slanted version of them at best.

Your love for this person cannot flourish into anything remotely permanent - you met her while in the midst of your own infidelity. Why would she ever trust you? How could you trust her when she's played the role of homewrecker to your wife and children? I'm sure it feels great to be with her, but when reality seeps in, neither of your behaviors is admirable, much less anything you'd want a serious, life-long commitment with. I'm assuming that's the kind of relationship you're wanting.

If you want to find a commitment with someone like her (although in all probability the new girl would be older), leave the provider and leave your wife, and stop hobbying. A meaningful commitment cannot grow within these forums EXCEPT for a provider/john or between providers and johns. Join a dating site or something and get rolling that way.

If you want to keep seeing the provider, keep seeing her and stop wearing your heart on your sleeve. Most of all, stop sobbing about it and stay around for what the relationship IS, not what it could be or what you've fantasized it to be. The road to redemption for your marriage is more complicated than can be outlined, and if you want that, I wish you luck.

Finally, if you don't know what the fuck you want, join the club. One way to start finding out what you want would be to stop seeing her and use your hobby money for some INDIVIDUAL counseling, with a woman psychiatrist. Go for a year, confess your sins, and attempt to learn about yourself through therapy. Once you find what you want, chase it and ignore the other things mentioned above, and especially ignore the provider, while staying attentive to your family's needs. I imagine that would be the only true path to fulfillment. I doubt you'll find happiness diving into endless pussy, but I need to get off my high horse for the moment. Good luck. Originally Posted by jalderoth

Playing devil's advocate here a little...

While I agree with MUCH of what you stated, their are some exceptions to the rule. I speak from personal experience and first hand knowledge. People have met, in the hobby, that went on to have successful meaningful relationships. It is rare, but it does happen.

I could not disagree more that we can never be anything else to each other besides provider/hobbyist. I have several meaningful friendships that came from the hobby. I do not benefit from these friendships in any way, other than great friendship. They do not benefit from me, besides my friendship. Errr, maybe I am delusional! I also care about my clients. Some more than others, naturally. But I do care. If any of them really needed something, I can honestly say I would be there to lend an ear or hand.

What the OP describes does not sound like an exception to the rule. This is just my opinion. An opinion of a stranger, nothing more.

I think the best advice is the INDIVIDUAL counseling!!! Your $$ is probably better spent and more self fullfilling than developing a huge hobby habit! You would probably find your sanity and happiness much faster too!

I could not disagree more that we can never be anything else to each other besides provider/hobbyist. I have several meaningful friendships that came from the hobby. I do not benefit from these friendships in any way, other than great friendship. They do not benefit from me, besides my friendship. Errr, maybe I am delusional! I also care about my clients. Some more than others, naturally. But I do care. Originally Posted by Scarlett Rossi

And that is doubtless one of the reasons that you are highly regarded in this community. But the OP is seeking more than friendship in this case.

I have to say, I'm impressed by this thread. When I saw the original post, my first thought was "uh oh, here comes another train wreck". But the OP has received some thoughtful, sound, if sometimes contradictory, advice. It's restored a tiny bit of my faith in the value of this forum.

That said, I think the sagest and pithiest advice was this:

The joke is that her job is to leave, but the truth is so is yours. Originally Posted by irishlad

You may not be able to control your emotions, but you must control your actions. You know you want something that you cannot have. Its time to walk away.

I thought we are all here to fall in love?
For an hour or so.......

I thought we are all here to fall in love?
For an hour or so....... Originally Posted by texasswildcat

So lets imagine: That she LOVES you too!!

1, Messy Divorce ( Comes out in the course of Proceedings just how you met)
2. Introducing her to the Family. (Kids?) You will need to know her real name for that.

3.Living together: That's what people in love do . right?
a. Is she a clean person or a slob?
b. Does she like to party? Can you keep up? Have you met her friends and what are they like?
c. Can you afford to support her or does she still "work"?
d. Can she make something for dinner besides "reservations"?

Have you ever spent more then a couple of hours around her fully clothed?

Anyway, good luck!

I thought we are all here to fall in love?
For an hour or so....... Originally Posted by texasswildcat

Little head and the 3 orifices - YES
Big Heads - Nooooooooo, not even for a minute, that's were the IOL / IOP comes into play


harkontume, lol, THX for that reality check !!!

So lets imagine: That she LOVES you too!!

1, Messy Divorce ( Comes out in the course of Proceedings just how you met)
2. Introducing her to the Family. (Kids?) You will need to know her real name for that.

3.Living together: That's what people in love do . right?
a. Is she a clean person or a slob?
b. Does she like to party? Can you keep up? Have you met her friends and what are they like?
c. Can you afford to support her or does she still "work"?
d. Can she make something for dinner besides "reservations"?

Have you ever spent more then a couple of hours around her fully clothed?

Anyway, good luck! Originally Posted by harkontume

I believe that RW relationships can fall under these guidelines as well. Well, #2 may be a little different. Let's hope we know her real name. But, still, these are all very good points.

I'm hesitant to agree with the advice of "let her know how you feel, you only live once." I completely agree to the advice of "back away from the Jezebel."

I was drawn to unavailable men pretty early on. I realized that I loved my independence as much as I loved anonymous sex. I also found that unavailable men were beyond respectful and appreciative when compared to single FWB. Who needs 2am booty calls on a school night? But it didn't take long until I fell pretty hard for one and he fell pretty hard for me. And it turns out that strings are harder to avoid than I originally thought.

Then I discovered the hobby. Most of my regular clients are the 35-45 married suits who I'd be happy to pick-up at a bar any day of the week. The donation helps to keep things from getting too out of hand, even when the chemistry is amazing. I have no interest in bankrupting anyone, just as I have no interest in being a mistress.

So sure, maybe she's feeling the same way, and if she is, it'd be potentially cruel of you to feed her fantasies of togetherness or kept-woman-hood. When you do cut ties, just let her know that you're getting tangled in the strings. She should understand given that she's an emotionally mature adult.

Signed,
the ex mistress

So lets imagine: That she LOVES you too!!

1, Messy Divorce ( Comes out in the course of Proceedings just how you met)
2. Introducing her to the Family. (Kids?) You will need to know her real name for that.

3.Living together: That's what people in love do . right?
a. Is she a clean person or a slob?
b. Does she like to party? Can you keep up? Have you met her friends and what are they like?
c. Can you afford to support her or does she still "work"?
d. Can she make something for dinner besides "reservations"?

Have you ever spent more then a couple of hours around her fully clothed?

Anyway, good luck! Originally Posted by harkontume

Cold hard facts of life. Reality bytes.

When you do cut ties, just let her know that you're getting tangled in the strings. Originally Posted by JennsLolli

There are some really great gems of wisdom and clever turns of phrase in this thread and on this board; thank you Austin.

I'm hesitant to agree with the advice of "let her know how you feel, you only live once." I completely agree to the advice of "back away from the Jezebel."

I was drawn to unavailable men pretty early on. I realized that I loved my independence as much as I loved anonymous sex. I also found that unavailable men were beyond respectful and appreciative when compared to single FWB. Who needs 2am booty calls on a school night? But it didn't take long until I fell pretty hard for one and he fell pretty hard for me. And it turns out that strings are harder to avoid than I originally thought.

Then I discovered the hobby. Most of my regular clients are the 35-45 married suits who I'd be happy to pick-up at a bar any day of the week. The donation helps to keep things from getting too out of hand, even when the chemistry is amazing. I have no interest in bankrupting anyone, just as I have no interest in being a mistress.

So sure, maybe she's feeling the same way, and if she is, it'd be potentially cruel of you to feed her fantasies of togetherness or kept-woman-hood. When you do cut ties, just let her know that you're getting tangled in the strings. She should understand given that she's an emotionally mature adult.

Signed,
the ex mistress Originally Posted by JennsLolli

I LOVE THIS + 1,000

Yeah...I still get bi-yearly emails from the dude I mentioned. He's happily married with 2.5 kids and a nice house outside of NYC. "I wonder what could have been" emails 7 years since we last fucked isn't as cruel as it once was, but it still bums out the single RW girl in me. And as hot as the random sex dreams about him are, it still makes me a little angry once I wake-up. Avoid being that guy at all costs, guys.

I thought we are all here to fall in love?
For an hour or so....... Originally Posted by texasswildcat

My new philosophy - no more regulars! Thanks TWC!

Tha last provider o' mine thet fucked meh like they owned meh was Sprint.

Lots of good insight here. I can't say that I've been in the same situation while in the hobby but there are providers that I enjoy being around more than others. Anytime the idea creeps into my head that there could be anything more I remind myself that I'm still paying for her time and that snaps me back to reality. The best way to get over a woman is to get under another one. The lesson learned here is that there has to be boundaries set in this hobby. If you can't live by that then I suggest you walk away from her and the hobby as well. Try your luck in the RW if you are looking for a meaningful, fulfilling relationship. You won't find that here. At best you could find a quasi-friendship with a provider but what guy wants to be in the "friend zone" with a girl he has feelings for?! Move on. Cut your losses. You'll be glad you did.