The day the PENIS ask V. GINA for a raise

whats the difference between jam and jelly?
i cant jelly my dick up your ass. Originally Posted by knotty man

Don't forget the peanut butter...

A man goes to a bar and meets an escort...... after talking to her for a bit, he asks her, "Alright. Enough talk. How much is it gonna cost me for a handjob?"

"$50," She says.

"$50 for a handjob? You've got to be kidding me!" He replies.

"Come over here," She says. "See that car outside?" She points to the window. He looks out, and sees a brand new sports car.

"Wow, that looks pretty expensive." He says.

"I bought that purely off $50 handjobs." She replies.

The man thinks to himself, "Hell, they must be pretty good." So he gives her $50, and sure enough, best one he's ever had.

He goes back the next night and finds her again. After a few drinks he says, "Alright. That handjob last night was pretty good. How much for a blowjob?"

"$500." She says.

"$500? That's fucking ridiculous." The man replies.

"Come here. See that house on the hill?" she says. So the man comes over, and looks out the window. Outside on the hill, he sees an immaculate mansion. Easily more than 20 rooms.

"Wow, that looks extremely expensive." he says.

"I bought that off of $500 blowjobs." she says.

So following suit, the man gives her $500, and sure enough, it's the best blowjob of his entire life.

On the third night, he returns once more. "Alright," He says. "No more playing around. How much is it gonna cost for some pussy?"

She replies, "Hell, if I had a pussy I'd own this town!" Originally Posted by Kiara Love

This is my fave so far

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?

A Pick pocket snatches watches

A peeping Tom watches snaches

How about the difference between a nun and a prostitute taking a bath?

The nun has a soul full of hope.

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

An elementary school teacher, a lawyer, a Catholic priest and three young boys are on a plane with only three parachutes. Engines explode, plane starts going down.

The teacher says, 'Save the children!'

The lawyer yells, 'FUCK THE CHILDREN!'

The Catholic priest looks around and whispers, 'Is there time?'

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!

So jokes are like shoes, you have to try them on and see how they fit. Sometimes they are good other times your wife will look at you and and ask "why are you wearing my new Black stilettos".

I will work on my material.

One last one:

So a little boy and his grandpa go fishing, they weren't catching much. after an hour or two, the grandpa pulled out a bottle of beer to enjoy.

"Grandpa, can I have some?" the boy (named Johnny) asked.

Now,the grandpa knew he couldn't share with the boy, but he decided to crack a joke. "Johnny, can you fit your penis in your own butthole?"

"Well," said Johnny, "no, I really don't think I can."

"Then no, you can't have any beer."

A little while later, grandpa pulled out a cigar to enjoy. Johnny immediately asked, "Grandpa, can I try?"

Again, Grandpa asked, "Can you put your penis in your own butthole?"

"No," said johnny dejectedly.

"Then I'm sorry - you can't try this cigar."

After another hour or two of not catching any fish, Johnny remembers his mommy packed him a cookie for the trip. He pulls it out and starts eating it. "Say, Johnny, how's about givin' your grandpy a bite of that cookie?"

Johnny asked, "Well, grandpa, can you fit your penis in your own butthole?"

Grandpa, intent on outsmarting Johnny, said, "Why of course I can!"

Johnny replied: "Good, then go fuck yourself. This is my cookie."

How are a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist the same?

They can both smell it, but they can't eat it.

KBF Irish Bob Parr

You made me laugh!!

Thanks KBF, it's nice to be noticed.

Now for most G rated, non-offensive Hitler joke ever:

How does Hitler tie his shoezies?

In little Nazis.

That's my favorite joke ever Originally Posted by JadeRose

Q. Why didn't Hitler drink tequila?

A. It made him mean.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

After the wedding ceremony, the groom says to his new father-in-law:

"Thanks Dad for paying for the wedding, now I can fuck your daughter for free!"