Sometimes I can be really stupid

No comments about the qualifier, "sometimes."

So I sent an email on Tuesday to one of my regulars, asking if I could see her Wednesday or Thursday. She had previously said she would be unavailable on Friday. No response.

So, with my hobby money burning a hole in my pocket, I dropped by her house today (I knew she was going to be away until a certain time) and 1) left a gift card for one of her kids' birthday, 2) left a welcome mat at her front door (she didn't have one, and I figured I'd buy one to leave the card under, 3) left her some flowers, and 4) spread five bags of mulch in her shrub beds to help keep the weeds down after spraying them with Round-Up.

Then I went back to my office, shut the door, and pretended I'd spent my hobby money more wisely.

Like I said, sometimes .... Originally Posted by Sir Lancehernot

THN, that's right. I won't say the relationship is "special," but when we text back and forth nearly every day for months, it's certainly a little different than the relationships that most people in this hobby have. And, she knew I was coming by -- I had asked when I could drop off the gift card, and she provided the window in which she would not be home and told me to leave it at the door. I'm not totally stupid -- I would never show up unannounced when there's a chance she would be home.

Those of you expressing skepticism are probably thinking "stalker" and viewing this in the context of a standard hobby relationship. It's a little more than that, and you'll just have to trust me when I tell you that I knew she'd be okay with it -- especially, again, because she provided the window and said it was okay to drop the GC by. The flowers were a hit, BTW. Originally Posted by Sir Lancehernot

LOL. Love? Call it a strong friendship that's developed OTC over the last year.

"Stupid" because for all the money I spent on the GC, flowers, welcome mat, RoundUp and mulch, I could have gotten laid. Or at least a BJ.

Doubly stupid because I'm not sure that I regret not having done so. Originally Posted by Sir Lancehernot

Well, I read your OP and was a bit shocked. Without any context of the relationship, I just couldn't believe someone who seems so together on the boards would begin stalking a provider. But then I read more and realized I was quick to judge. My apologies for that.

I get the whole penance thing but I would discourage you from feeling stupid. If your relationship with this provider is such that she wouldn't be freaked out by this gesture, then you did a very selfless act by sacrificing hobby funds to treat someone like a human being. We tend to objectify people around us, especially in this hobby. You chose to treat her like a person and provided help. There's a reason you don't feel bad about it. It's because you're kind, not stupid.

As for if this action was appropriate, I think that can only be answered by the provider. I'm sure this thread will generate a multitude of opinions, both positive and negative. But only the provider can tell you if your gesture was appreciated or not. And while we all may have opinions, it's really none of our business.

And while we all may have opinions, it's really none of our business.

Originally Posted by Skout

Uhhh, we weren't exactly digging for it ....he put it out there!!

Taking GFE seriously.

LOL. Love? Call it a strong friendship that's developed OTC over the last year.

"Stupid" because for all the money I spent on the GC, flowers, welcome mat, RoundUp and mulch, I could have gotten laid. Or at least a BJ.

Doubly stupid because I'm not sure that I regret not having done so. Originally Posted by Sir Lancehernot

awh, you romantic Romeo. Sir you are!. Your lament about no tail sort of clouded the aroma but I surmised you knew future benefits would be forthcoming. That washed out the cloud.!

Share with us the outcome.

Bet your phone blew up and your PM too with requests for mulch.

So what was the reason for writing the post?
Were you getting your thoughts out for people to respond or what?

At the end of the day, whether it was appropriate or not comes down to the perception of the provider, as someone else noted.

She isn't your girlfriend but you are acting like she is.
I'm sure if she thought it was appropriate, she would take things to the next level and really be your girlfriend and you could do all the fun stuff without having to pay for anything.

I don't think doing something for someone who needs assistance on occasion is bad, like throwing mulch down for her, doing something out of the ordinary on occasion, as a kind gesture, but the gifts for the kids ??? I think that is where the line is crossed on getting out of bounds and too personal.

But hey, if you have the time and money to do things like this and she enjoys it and doesn't think it is inappropriate and it makes everyone happy, go for it!

Bet your phone blew up and your PM too with requests for mulch. Originally Posted by doug_dfw

Nothing says love more than five bags of mulch.

Diamonds are forever. Mulch- maybe three or four months.

Roundup and mulch in January?

It was a few months ago. Who was it that wanted to give a provider a present and she said, just pay for a session?

I think it is VERY sweet what you did. Nothing feels greater than to be treated nicely by a really nice man.

Buuuutttttt......

As a provider, I would a little concerned that you are getting a little bit to attached and attachments rarely end well in this business.

You did a nice thing but maybe it's in your best interest to pump the brakes a little bit.

after reading all of Lancehernot'sposts and some of the off-the-cuff replies....

as long as she knew about his visit to drop off the gift card and to do some lawn chores [maybe they had talked about it before?]
as long as they both understand where the line is...
as long as both are copacetic with their "relationship"

they've know each other for a while, communicate frequently, she knew he was coming by and didnt squelch the offer of the card.

i say it's fine what he did, even giving the gift card for the kid.
just cos the intimate consultations are "business transactions", where does that require us to totally separate and isolate our thoughts and feelings about the other person involved?

if any of the above assumptions are not true, then yes, out of line and crossed the boundary.


also, where is the rule that a client and a provider cannot have a relationship or cannot be friends?
yes, there is the high probability of it crashing and burning, heartbroken, etc.
but, as long as they go in w/ eyes fairly wide open, it's their life, their choice, their consequences.
it has happened - i know of one provider who met a client, moved in with him, quit providing, and has now been living w/ him for close to 2 yrs.
see also "Can Providers and Hobbyists be JUST FRIENDS?"
... http://www.eccie.net/showthread.php?t=1273577


damn, lancerhernot, i have some flower beds that need preparation for spring. and a small 2x5 plot that needs to be dug up and edged w/ rocks. how about you come by and do them (all tools and supplies provided by me) while i'm out and about visiting my favs?

oh wait ... we'd have to become "friends" for this to be okay...

Only going to say that I wish that I had a friend like you that was honest and NOT a stalker.

Thanks, pmd. You've come pretty close to providing the perspective I would have liked to, but which would have been discounted because I'm one of the parties involved. (Actually, she didn't know about the mulch. I had noticed she needed some and just decided as long as I was heading over, I'd buy a few bags and do it. Funny thing about that is that I'll bet she hasn't noticed yet. She didn't know that she didn't have a doormat!)

Actually, I expected far more responses ridiculing me for redirecting my specifically designated pussy money. The concerns about privacy caught me by surprise, though. Having read them, I understand how they might arise, although had I thought I outlined the circumstances surrounding this visit well enough to allay them.

The privacy issue and the getting-too-close issue (which I was also unprepared for) both come down to interpersonal dynamics. You get to know someone pretty well over a couple of years, and you get a pretty good sense of the boundaries of the relationship and what you can do and what you can't. My friend-for-an-hour and I talk about whatever it is we have pretty frequently. She knows where I am coming from, and I have every confidence that she would tell me if she thought I was getting too close for her comfort. As for where she's coming from, I'm still paying for my BCD time with her, and that, along with the fact that others are, too, tells me what I need to know. It also is one thing that keep me from getting too close.

And as far as stalking goes, who's stalking whom if SHE invites ME to her real-world social media?

Thanks, pmd. You've come pretty close to providing the perspective I would have liked to, but which would have been discounted because I'm one of the parties involved. (Actually, she didn't know about the mulch. I had noticed she needed some and just decided as long as I was heading over, I'd buy a few bags and do it. Funny thing about that is that I'll bet she hasn't noticed yet. She didn't know that she didn't have a doormat!)

Actually, I expected far more responses ridiculing me for redirecting my specifically designated pussy money. Originally Posted by Sir Lancehernot

Well, if you can get your pussy for the cost of a couple of bags of mulch, a gift card, some flowers, and a doormat, then my hat's off to you, sir.

Just doing some rough math in...mulch is about
$2.50 bag (x5)=$12.50...Doormat... $15...flowers, $40. ...and lets say $30 for the card...looks like about $97.50.

So you spent less than a Hundred of your, "pussy money", on a friend, and you were expecting to be ridiculed?

Was that the reason for this threAd?

If so, my hat's off too you again, sir.

Nicely done!

.

.

Thanks, pmd. You've come pretty close to providing the perspective I would have liked to, but which would have been discounted because I'm one of the parties involved. (Actually, she didn't know about the mulch. I had noticed she needed some and just decided as long as I was heading over, I'd buy a few bags and do it. Funny thing about that is that I'll bet she hasn't noticed yet. She didn't know that she didn't have a doormat!)

Actually, I expected far more responses ridiculing me for redirecting my specifically designated pussy money. The concerns about privacy caught me by surprise, though. Having read them, I understand how they might arise, although had I thought I outlined the circumstances surrounding this visit well enough to allay them.


And as far as stalking goes, who's stalking whom if SHE invites ME to her real-world social media? Originally Posted by Sir Lancehernot

Hi, thought I would define my opinion of stalking. First of all, a stalker can be male or female. The stalker may have had a neglectful or absent parent, and they seek to control a person in an effort to feed a psychological need.

Stalkers may try to pretend to care, but real stalking is extremely aggressive behavior that does not stop but actually escalates when the person the stalker is trying to contact does not respond, or does not respond positively.

Case in point: One guy constantly texted me, and the texts became more and more about his fantasy and lots of tempting promises. He stopped being nice before he ever met me and just became impatient. I made the mistake of agreeing to meet him, and he showed up before the appointed time in a very nice car. For some reason, I never met with him again and he refused to stop contacting me and always seemed "concerned" about me. Months passed and his texts and calls were rude, crude, and obsessive. He always used a different burner phone number as I would always block him. He finally stopped when I threatened to go to his location I traced the number to and I told him I would tell his wife since I knew what car he drove.

Another guy stalked me after I met him at a safe public outdoor location and he asked me to get in his car and go for a ride, and I refused. He called me all the time and was blocked. I remember seeing his work id hanging from his interior and made a mental note. He called me from a different number over one year later and somehow made an appointment. I recognized him and freaked out when he showed up. I threatened to go to his employer and that finally got rid of him.

So, essentially stalking is trying to maintain contact after being explicitly told no and refusing to understand that no means no.