Where is the sex in BDSM?

Good Morning Cilla;

i disagree, sorry it depends on the couple. i wont be teased without the reward, cum slut, pain slut, Daddys girl, whatever, i need cock, and wont just play without being fucked. That is the pleasure in it, and the rest is just foreplay leading up to orgasm. Originally Posted by subcilla

I first got involved in the BDSM world less than 5 years ago and it is vital to understand that I enjoy it as a form of extended foreplay. I suppose it would be true to say that I have no interest in a BDSM session in any context that does not include the possibility of penetrative sex. I say 'possibility' because there have been occasions where there has not been sex at some point, but it was never specifically excluded, the fact that we chose to complete the event without it was a mutual one but not preplanned.

In my case all of my BDSM sessions (apart from ones discussed above) have included sex, not always at the end. But not all of my recent sexual couplings have included BDSM; some ladies were quite evidently not into it, even in the lightest form; although I have to say that in the recent past the vast majority of my couplings have included a BDSM element of some kind, even if it was just a little spanking.

Thanks for reading
Cyclops

Most if the time, it is up to the Domme who is in total control of her sub to tell him if there will be release.
BDSM is NOT all about a quick buck, or fing....it is about CONTROL.

You must be "worthy" of their submission...not just DATY or F.

Most if the time, it is up to the Domme who is in total control of her sub to tell him if there will be release.
BDSM is NOT all about a quick buck, or fing....it is about CONTROL. Originally Posted by DommeKeliDallas

Good Evening Keli;

But not all sessions include a domme (intentional use of the lower case 'd'), most certainly none of mine do.

Good Night
Cyclops

If spanking, teasing, taunting, berating, beating, denying, humiliating, showering and manipulating a willing partner doesn't get you hot and ready to go then I just don't think being a pro Domina is for you. Sex ought to be part of most high-quality BDSM interactions because the Domme (who presumably is the one in charge and the one being pleasured) is incredibly aroused by the situation and wants to be satisfied by her slave, even though he doesn't deserve the honor. And even when those sexy acts aren't things the vanilla world might immediately recognize as "sex" (face sitting, forced orgasms, consensual non-consent, etc), those of us with a salacious imaginations know it when we see it... Originally Posted by Miss Sophie Bella

I have found that what gives Me the most pleasure is having submissive men who are submissive for the sake of worshiping the Woman, appreciating all that She has to offer. I am most turned on by the Mothering part of D/s. The reward part. Every body has a currency and My submissive target crowd needs love and acceptance from his Goddess. In fact, I am bored with submissives who are pain sluts and who need torture and humiliation. I would rather spend My time with submissive men who are pleasured by feeling My pleasure. Make My life easier if you want to serve Me! I hate having to correct and yell at My subject. Anticipate My desires. Offer to lick My toes or rub My body! Don't make Me have to think for you! So I would have to admit that if pain sluts didn't pay, I wouldn't be playing.

I love making love to My submissive lover and use him as My toy. I enjoy seeing his pleasure when I gift him with another woman because of his loyal and constant submission. I love holding him to My breast and comforting his inner child. I love using his cock for My pleasure without feeling any obligation to pop him after (but usually wanting to order him to while riding him and holding his wrists down as I love the way his wrists feel in My hands.)

Does this make Me any less Domme because sensual Dominant scenes get Me wet while hour long spanking scenes just wear out My hand, yet, I'm still willing and excited to do it as long as I'm being tributed for the time? Does that make Me shallow because I'm willing to do things that amuse Me but wouldn't interest Me in real time unless some money was attached?


It has been my experience that there are many more Goddess worshiper clients than water boarding clients and so I muse at why there isn't more sex in lifestyle BDSM when sensual BDSM is really all that interests me and most of the clients that see me (even in the beginning when I hadn't branded myself yet.) For example- When I watch BDSM porn, I'm not watching piercing, or hanging from hooks- I'm watching facesitting and body worship.

I have found that what gives Me the most pleasure is having submissive men who are submissive for the sake of worshiping the Woman, appreciating all that She has to offer. I am most turned on by the Mothering part of D/s. The reward part. Every body has a currency and My submissive target crowd needs love and acceptance from his Goddess. In fact, I am bored with submissives who are pain sluts and who need torture and humiliation. I would rather spend My time with submissive men who are pleasured by feeling My pleasure. Make My life easier if you want to serve Me! I hate having to correct and yell at My subject. Anticipate My desires. Offer to lick My toes or rub My body! Don't make Me have to think for you! So I would have to admit that if pain sluts didn't pay, I wouldn't be playing.

It has been my experience that there are many more Goddess worshiper clients than water boarding clients and so I muse at why there isn't more sex in lifestyle BDSM when sensual BDSM is really all that interests me and most of the clients that see me (even in the beginning when I hadn't branded myself yet.) For example- When I watch BDSM porn, I'm not watching piercing, or hanging from hooks- I'm watching facesitting and body worship. Originally Posted by TaylorMaiden29

i agree with your view. seeking/enjoying pain just isn't my thing in my submissive role. if i was a dominant, i just don't think i could derive pleasure from inflicting pain on others, and frankly it would worry me a bit to have a submissive that wanted anything more than the minimal pain of a spanking and the like.

this is just my opinion and a broad generalization, but i appreciate taylor maiden's style as it is based on loving and caring, whereas the pain inflicting dynamic between a dominant and submissive has such negative overtones.

For me, being submissive is a roleplay. I am not submissive in real life. But when I am aroused, my head usually takes me to that role. I don't know why, nor do I care. I accept myself.

I am very inexperienced in playing out this role with a domme. Two experiences, really, although more than that with "providers" who said they could do the domme thing.

First experience was with a lady who remained fully clothed the entire time and told me to kiss her feet and legs. After about 15 minutes of that, I was totally asking myself "where is the sex"? We stopped. We talked. She told me "real" dommes don't have any sexual play with their subs. OK, my bad. But if the domme isn't getting turned on by what she is doing to me, then what is the point? Oh, yeah, Money was the point. Sorry. But there is no bigger turnoff than knowing, feeling that the only reason someone is playing with you is because of the tribute. The sub gets off----to a degree--because he is turning his mistress on. So, that experience with a pro-domme was my last.

Then I saw/met another domme. She listened to my fantasy. She took time to understand it. And we played. And there was a sexual COMPONENT to the play. I had fun. I think she did. If she lived closer to me, I'd be broke. The Lord works in mysterious ways. LOL.

I don't know that I've added anything to this discussion. My point is, especially if I am paying, I want what I want--even if I am submissive. And like others have said here, I want a connection of intimacy. Being spanked, paddled, electrocuted (lol), etc isn't my cup of tea. A light paddling for being a bad wittle boy? Fine. But not the other stuff.

I may be alone here. But for some reason it is easier for me to be intimate with a stranger, or someone I know only in the hobby. I would venture to say it is a fear of intimacy with those closest to me. Maybe I have trust issues. I don't know. Trusting someone who really can't hurt me is easier for me, I suppose. My point is that I need to feel a connection with the domme. I need to feel wanted, appreciated, valued, etc. That can't be done by someone whacking the shit out of me for an hour and then telling me to "release". I understand the YMMV thing, the chemistry component which must exist between two people for the sparks to really fly. But.........

My experiences tell me I am asking too much.

Barney,

You aren't alone. But one thing to always keep in mind is that in this arena you have a variety of players. There are the "true" dommes, who do not partake in sex and unequivocally let you know it is all about them (there are exceptions...), and you are simply there to serve them (and of course give them money). You can often see these a mile away by how they word their ads, very humiliating and denigrating towards the potential client.

Then there are provider dommes who are more willing to engage in sexual play because they come from a more sexual service background. They typically don't go in as deep for the bondage or mind games. It's much more sensual and far more sexual than a "true" domme session.

And then there are the true lifestyle players who do it because they enjoy it, not to mention they also usually have their own needs that they are indulging as well. For lifestylers you'll find its more about a relationship, with all the ups and downs of that.

With any of this you'll find exceptions to the rule of course. Some will cross the lines between types, or they'll blend different aspects of the two together.

But you are on the right track there. When you pay to play, its about fulfililng your needs as much as hers. Finding the right domme who will listen to you and make the attempt to understand you can be hard. But once you do find them... life can be fun!

There is a prodomme blogger out there by the name of Mistress Matisse. She's based out of Seattle and has been in the business for a long time. She started off as a dancer, was a provider, and has been a prodomme for a while now. She wrote in her blog once that it was the responsibility of the domme to look at every client and to try and find one good thing in them, and then to use that to make the client feel good about themselves. In some ways she views what she does as another form of therapy. Which, I think, is true for some, though probably not all.

What you are looking for isn't asking for too much. The issue is finding someone compatible with your interests and needs. So communication is your first priority, and then from there you are just going to have to keep looking for the right match.

Krunkman,
It is therapy to a degree. Connecting with someone through one's kinky, non-vanilla, society-says-it's deviant desires is a form of intimacy. I sure as hell don't divulge my kinks to my weekend golfing buddies. Being accepted and even admired for having the courage to allow that portion of yourself to escape society's bonds is cathartic, therapeutic.

Just as an idiot shrink can violate a patient with insensitivity, so too can an arrogant domme who doesn't realize in the P4P arena, it is still about the client.

Yes, the parameters are a bit different than a standard P4P meeting. But if the prodomme won't listen, doesn't listen and just tells you to shut up because with a true domme it is all about "her", then, well, that might work with some subs. But if it does, I think that is more luck than intuition on the domme's part. If I am the client, paying the freight, I expect you to listen to my needs and desires. Now, it is your right to decline and say that doesn't work for you. If you choose to see me after these communications but hide behind the "real dommes" don't do x, y or z upon my arrival is akin to a ripoff.

This site isn't called the Prodomme site. I sort of laugh when a prodomme shows up here, and seems aghast if the conversation turns to a sexual nature.

Krunkman,
It is therapy to a degree. Connecting with someone through one's kinky, non-vanilla, society-says-it's deviant desires is a form of intimacy. I sure as hell don't divulge my kinks to my weekend golfing buddies. Being accepted and even admired for having the courage to allow that portion of yourself to escape society's bonds is cathartic, therapeutic.

Just as an idiot shrink can violate a patient with insensitivity, so too can an arrogant domme who doesn't realize in the P4P arena, it is still about the client.

Yes, the parameters are a bit different than a standard P4P meeting. But if the prodomme won't listen, doesn't listen and just tells you to shut up because with a true domme it is all about "her", then, well, that might work with some subs. But if it does, I think that is more luck than intuition on the domme's part. If I am the client, paying the freight, I expect you to listen to my needs and desires. Now, it is your right to decline and say that doesn't work for you. If you choose to see me after these communications but hide behind the "real dommes" don't do x, y or z upon my arrival is akin to a ripoff.

This site isn't called the Prodomme site. I sort of laugh when a prodomme shows up here, and seems aghast if the conversation turns to a sexual nature. Originally Posted by barneyrubble

+1 on all that. I totally agree. Gotta find the right person to share yourself with, or else its just a waste of time (and money).

Very rarely will "true" dommes show up here because the site is more sexually oriented than most of them are willing to do. Nothing wrong with that if it's what you want. Like assholes, everybody's got a right to their own perversion (even the sheep!!)

I agree as well!

+1 on all that. I totally agree. Gotta find the right person to share yourself with, or else its just a waste of time (and money).

Very rarely will "true" dommes show up here because the site is more sexually oriented than most of them are willing to do. Nothing wrong with that if it's what you want. Like assholes, everybody's got a right to their own perversion (even the sheep!!) Originally Posted by Krunkman

I have found that what gives Me the most pleasure is having submissive men who are submissive for the sake of worshiping the Woman, appreciating all that She has to offer. I am most turned on by the Mothering part of D/s. The reward part. Every body has a currency and My submissive target crowd needs love and acceptance from his Goddess. In fact, I am bored with submissives who are pain sluts and who need torture and humiliation. I would rather spend My time with submissive men who are pleasured by feeling My pleasure. Make My life easier if you want to serve Me! I hate having to correct and yell at My subject. Anticipate My desires. Offer to lick My toes or rub My body! Don't make Me have to think for you! So I would have to admit that if pain sluts didn't pay, I wouldn't be playing.

I love making love to My submissive lover and use him as My toy. I enjoy seeing his pleasure when I gift him with another woman because of his loyal and constant submission. I love holding him to My breast and comforting his inner child. I love using his cock for My pleasure without feeling any obligation to pop him after (but usually wanting to order him to while riding him and holding his wrists down as I love the way his wrists feel in My hands.)

Does this make Me any less Domme because sensual Dominant scenes get Me wet while hour long spanking scenes just wear out My hand, yet, I'm still willing and excited to do it as long as I'm being tributed for the time? Does that make Me shallow because I'm willing to do things that amuse Me but wouldn't interest Me in real time unless some money was attached?


It has been my experience that there are many more Goddess worshiper clients than water boarding clients and so I muse at why there isn't more sex in lifestyle BDSM when sensual BDSM is really all that interests me and most of the clients that see me (even in the beginning when I hadn't branded myself yet.) For example- When I watch BDSM porn, I'm not watching piercing, or hanging from hooks- I'm watching facesitting and body worship. Originally Posted by TaylorMaiden29

Taylor, This is the EXACT type of scene that I have been searching for. I have enjoyed this type of scene with someone else but she is now gone from the Dallas area and the hobby as well.

If you ever make it to Dallas I would love to meet up with you for a session and when I travel to Austin I will make sure to contact you.

Are there any other ladies out there that enjoy this type of session?

I have been playing the Domme role since I started providing two years ago. In fact, I tend to attract the submissive men whether they want to be tied up or not. When I see a man who has seen Pro-Dommes, they speak of how there is no sex except being allowed to masterbate at the end.

I don't care what they order off of the menu of fetishes a la carte. If they are paying, I will be amused whether or not my clit gets stimulated. If they are paying. However, when I go to lifestyle BDSM parties or even the Southplains Leatherfest Convention in Dallas, I see scenes but no sex. No tease and denial, no forced orgasms, no orgasm denial. I saw instead: beating, canning, cutting, slapping, flogging, cupping............pretty much pain and no pleasure.

Why do lifestylers play with no sex whereas most (95:5 ratio I'd say) of my clients wouldn't come to me if they thought that there would be no sexual tension/release during the session. I also notice that the most regular of my gents come back when the sexual tension starts at the beginning of session and lasts throughout.

I just don't see any of that sexy fun stuff at the lifestyle parties and I wonder WTF?

I went to a party with Devynn Von Tease once, she was my dirty slut. I took her with a strap on and told her to perform like a pornstar. "are you my dirty porn star? Put your pussy in the air and show everyone what a slut you are for Me!" "Yes Mistress!"

The patrons at the party thought we were weird and I never went back. Originally Posted by TaylorMaiden29

Thank you for bring this topic up...you hit the dildo on the head LOL. I used to live in the SF Bay Area...a haven for all things sexual especially BDSM and this topic came up. One person commented on this topic stating that, in Europe, sex is an integral part of BDSM play but in the U.S. it was much less so to sometimes not existent. The person went on to ponder if the lack of sex the U.S. BDSM scene has some of its roots in the more puritanical view of sex overall in the U.S. I'm not sure the cause...just my view is that sex should be an important part of BDSM play.

Thanks for all of the comments, guys and gals. Even Mistress' get feelings of insecurity and need to feel validated. I was seeking these answers because I just don't get a lot of validation from the kink scene and even on Fetlife I have read the anger of the Pro-Dommes feeling like Domme's like Me are ruining their business and messing with their training.

I tell my self that those who seek what is on my menu wouldn't call them anyway and vice versa. The law of attraction says that there is enough to go around and my intellect knows that none of their angst is personal to me but really a reflection of themselves as they don't even know me. Still, it can wear on even the most emotionally healthy people, I think.

I would love more feedback, I just can't get enough of this positive attitude. Maybe we can make a movement! Sex in BDSM isn't just for the Brits!

Thanks for all of the comments, guys and gals. Even Mistress' get feelings of insecurity and need to feel validated. I was seeking these answers because I just don't get a lot of validation from the kink scene and even on Fetlife I have read the anger of the Pro-Dommes feeling like Domme's like Me are ruining their business and messing with their training.

I tell my self that those who seek what is on my menu wouldn't call them anyway and vice versa. The law of attraction says that there is enough to go around and my intellect knows that none of their angst is personal to me but really a reflection of themselves as they don't even know me. Still, it can wear on even the most emotionally healthy people, I think.

I would love more feedback, I just can't get enough of this positive attitude. Maybe we can make a movement! Sex in BDSM isn't just for the Brits! Originally Posted by TaylorMaiden29

When you are going to be in Dallas or Tyler...let me know. I will validate your view till your strap on falls off. Seriously.

A related note. I think many pro-dommes feel threatened because they want to take the easy way out and not offer sex. I am glad I came to this area and ECCIE because many dommes on here offer sex in the session. I used to joke about pro-dommes who don't offer sex with this saying..."what do you call hobbying without sex...pro-dommes". Stay true to your views

One person commented on this topic stating that, in Europe, sex is an integral part of BDSM play but in the U.S. it was much less so to sometimes not existent. The person went on to ponder if the lack of sex the U.S. BDSM scene has some of its roots in the more puritanical view of sex overall in the U.S. I'm not sure the cause...just my view is that sex should be an important part of BDSM play. Originally Posted by cuckold4u

Good Eveing Cuckold;

Speaking as a European, let me assure you that not only does sex play a part in BDSM activites here, but also BDSM plays an important role in lots of sexual encounters here.

In my humble opinion it comes down to the difference between 'Kink' and 'Kinky'; Kink being the US option, seems to be serious to the point of obsession and seems to be an end in itself and that only one party is being 'entertained'. Whilst Kinky is a essentially humorous and is almost always an adjunct to sex, most certainly NOT an end in itself, but merely a stop on the journey to mutual sexual satisfaction.

I hope that this is of some interest.
Cyclops