Am I Happily Married If I Hobby Secretly?

It's the inherent dishonesty of "secretly" without a clearly negotiated don't ask don't tell policy that's the problem.

If you have to lie to your SO, even by omission, there's a problem

I agree with that, but in many cases the problem is with the guy, not necessarily with the wife or the marriage.
Take some of the guys that say I love my wife but I like new pussy.
I'd agree that they have a problem, but that in and of itself does not mean they aren't happy within their marriage.
Not saying they shouldn't see a shrink, just that they can be happy and screw around at the same time, like said above, some guys can separate love and sex.

Which brings another point, if it's only the dishonesty that is the problem, fessing up aught to fix all of that?
I don't think so, it would only cause hurt to the wife, who may be an innocent bystander, perfectly happy with her life and doesn't really want the curtain pulled back.

Added another thought:
I've often heard people say "so and so's only happy because they have their head stuck in the sand, if he/she only knew about..."
What is it about people that don't want others to be happy?
Why do we have this drive to make people "see the light" and be miserable instead of living in their own happy little world?
I know a lady that was very happy with her husband and kids, until her friend had to tell her about her husband cheating on her ONE night, "for her own good" of course.
Well, she divorced him and is now miserable.

It's the inherent dishonesty of "secretly" without a clearly negotiated don't ask don't tell policy that's the problem.

If you have to lie to your SO, even by omission, there's a problem

I agree with that, but in many cases the problem is with the guy, not necessarily with the wife or the marriage. Originally Posted by riday

I didn't specify where the problem was.

But I agree it's with the one being dishonest. No, 'fessing up isn't going to fix *that* problem -- the solution is to stop being dishonest. And if that causes problems elsewhere, well, it's your fault for having been dishonest to begin with.

Family first. Open honest communication. Safe, sane, consensual.

OTB's "first principles."

"Happily Married" is such a silly term. It can be defined so many ways. There is no such thing as absolute happiness in anything we do, marriage included. So what degree of happiness do you then consider yourself "happily married"? Obviously that is different for everyone.

If you are hobbying and feeling guilty about it, then you need to assess the situation a bit.

If you're hobbying and yet still have a relatively happy and healthy marriage, then that's about all you can ask for.

You'll never be perfectly content with every aspect of any marriage. What you choose to address/change and what you choose to be content with can make a big difference there. Pick your battles as they say.

Have you ever owned a vehicle for longer than 10 years?

I don't care how happy you are with anything in your lives. It is our nature to want to "Test Drive" new models. That doesnt' mean we are willing to sign on the dotted line right away. During that test drive we play with the radio, nobs, buttons, seats, and definitely the gas pedal.

When we get back to the dealership there is the old reliable, comfortable, dependable car that we've had for the past 10 years.

We drive away thinking that was fun! But I'm not ready to get rid of the old model quite yet.

I'm sure your old reliable car was sitting there the whole time going "Asshole" "Mutha F-er" SOB just cheated on me. Yet, he's driving me home to put in his garage.

Well, as long as your okay with your wife getting dick on the side...

Then yes, I would say that you're happily married!

Well, as long as your okay with your wife getting dick on the side...

Then yes, I would say that you're happily married! Originally Posted by Kayleehotchick

Theres no such thing as a perfect marriage anyway! If someone says they have the perfect marriage, then they are a liar!! I think as long as deep inside you love your wife or S.O and you arent ignoring them or their feelings then hobbying is ok to a certain degree!! But if you see the same provider over and over again, eventually there might be some emotional feelings that develop! Thats when things may start to change and your S.O Will be suspicious! I lovemy husband, I met him as a client coming to see me over and over and we just clicked! so no we are married and he accepts my work! Best Of Luck!

No Roman - thank you, and everyone else "for dragging this" topic out. Being inside the "hobby" can at times make one forget about the humanity within each of us. That many of us are simply just real people still searching, still believing, and still looking for real love. The hobby is a form of much needed escape, confirmation, affirmation, and at the very least, however satisfying - a recreation. Sex is a wonderful gift but at times can cause us to fall into "objectifying" each other as if we're nothing more than tools, purchased only for selfish enjoyment (although I know the money part balances it out for some, or most). But hearing the emotional input of other hobbyists and providers, allow me to remember and clearly understand that at the end of the day (after the orgasms) - we want to have someone next to us who really knows who we are . . . who we really are, secrets notwithstanding.

I disagree, FBSM. We're not married *yet* but A and I have (to me, and apparently to her) a perfect relationship based on clearly defined boundaries, clearly negotiated levels of communication, and complete honesty within those bounds (and the knowledge on both sides that those rules might change as time goes on.) Not just about hobbying, either: *everything*. Who could ask for more? I want a partner, not a Stepford Wife nor someone I need to lie to...

As an older man that was Married for 20-years and now Divorced, I can add my opinion.

Happily Married = Soul-Mate = Love

Soul-Mate = She is Part of your Soul & Heart. She is EVERYTHING to YOU. She knows everything about you. How you think, what you like & not like. You share things with her that your parents don’t even know about you. She can make you happy or Sad. You live together as one person. She becomes your Lover, and plays roles like your Mother, Sister, & Best Friend.

(Thoughts in the back of your mind) Divorce can be very costly for a man with kids. (18-years of child support, loss of half your worth and soul-mate) In my case, I filed for divorce after kids reached 18 and were out of high school.

(With all that being said, the Dark Side Emerges) Men & Women all have Skeletons in their closets. And we all love Variety Secretly. The very thought of having anyone from 18 to 65 that you can choose from a list of photos and are somewhat attracted to, without any commitment or strings attached, is very exciting and a RUSH. If you don’t want to see her again, just walk away. Things that your wife doesn’t do or you don’t even want her to do, can be had. No one in your life knows & your soul-mate is still your soul-mate. You can have this sample of the HOBBY for a DONATION.

Are you Happy in your Marriage? If you can have your cake and eat it too, i would say: HELL YEAH and later in life if you ever fall out of LOVE with your spouse, and that same o'grind makes you sad to go home every day, the HOBBY will fill that need.

CG

we want to have someone next to us who really knows who we are . . . who we really are, secrets notwithstanding. Originally Posted by Reeltalk

This to me is the very definition of "oxymoron".

This to me is the very definition of "oxymoron". Originally Posted by TinMan

Can I get an "Amen?"

If you can have your cake and eat it too, i would say: HELL YEAH and later in life if you ever fall out of LOVE with your spouse, and that same o'grind makes you sad to go home every day, the HOBBY will fill that need. Originally Posted by Copierguy0

That's another thing: to me, I have loved and do love many people, but been *in love* with very few. Those few, I would still walk through fire for, even if we aren't together. Once I'm in love, I'm in love for life. I just have the capacity to be in love with more than one person at a time.

And anyone I've been in love with I have made sure knew this going in.

Again, secrets in that sort of relationship *are* a problem, and they are a problem caused by the one keeping them. If you can live with that problem, then so be it. I couldn't.

This to me is the very definition of "oxymoron". Originally Posted by TinMan

On the surface, it does appear that way (oxymoronish). But Jerry Springer has made a career out of people who believed they would be loved - in spite of their secrets. If I understood your point correctly, it seems you do not believe a person can be really known by their SO - if they are keeping secrets. I tend to disagree. You can never fully know anyone. There are parts of us all that qualifies as "secrets". So when I say I want someone who knows me - I'm speaking of someone that knows and trusts in my character and knows whats at the center of my motivations - although they may not agree with my choices, choices that may lead to mistakes - yet ultimately, they can forgive me and we can move forward, together. That's a person who can "know me", and love me - in spite of. Oxymorons notwithstanding. Lol!