(http://www.ymwv.net/cgi-bin/ikonboar...5;t=3692;st=30)
originally posted in an advice column on ymwv.netŠ
(Alright, I don't care if you guys believe me. It's real. This is the most embarrassing thing that I've ever experienced and I'm sharing it with you because I don't want to have any of my misc. brahs to have to go through this....especially since it could have been EASILY prevented. It's very long but I'll do my best to recount all of the important details --no fucking cliffs....read it to save yourself from something like this).
Anyway...,
In case you didn't know, I suffer from social anxiety. Well, I got this Asian girls phone number. It's been over a week and I was feeling like taking a break from things and I figured that if I didn't call her before exams were done then I wouldn't get a chance to see her until after break (which would be too long perhaps...we both attend night school/continuing education course). So I called her up and asked if she wanted to take a break from studying and meet me for coffee.
Well she said yes, and we met at a nearby cafe. We had some small talk and it went well overall. After that she said "hey, my roommate is making some Chinese food for dinner because his boyfriend is over, would you like to come over and try some? he usually makes more than needed". (I'm thinking, "he/boyfriend"?? eh, no big deal). Now at this point I felt like I had to take a shit, but there was no way I could turn down this opportunity; it seemed like she was into me and this would be a great opportunity to get to know each other further. So I decided to hold my crap as long as possible (I don't crap in public toilets) and accept her invitation.
Well we went back to her place, had some food (very good btw) and fuk, I had to take a shit really badly AND I had to take a piss really badly (I had been holding that too since I didn't bring my pee bottle with me to the date)... I really didn't want to use their washroom because I didn't want to stink the place up but it became so unbearable to the point where I could feel the turd popping out of my rectum. To make matters worse, I was actually starting to get an erection (I'm not sure why but that's what happened). So I rushed to the washroom....and thus begins the worst possible scenario imaginable.
I pull down my pants and step up to the toilet and I am then faced with an ominious predicament: I have to extremely badly take BOTH a pee AND a poo....AND I have an erection....what the fuck do I do? Which do I do first??
So I bend over and try to push my erect penis down a bit to pee into the can....but as I relax my pelvic floor muscles to release the urine, I feel my turd start to come out at the same time! So then I'm like "fuk this....I'll just try and hold the pee and let the poo come out"....so I sit on the can, grasp my penis hard to try to "block" it....and then I let the crap come out....that didn't work so well.
As I relaxed my anal sphincters, my pelvic muscles relaxed as well and piss started flying all over the floor....I started panicking at this point so i desperately held my crap again while I attempted to shove/bend my erect penis into the toilet. Once it was in, I tried to take a piss and a crap at the same time but my ass was too far back and this massive turd started flying out missing the bowl, landing partially on the back rim and partially on the floor. I then closed everything off (you can't imagine the pain of repeatedly blocking yourself from peeing and pooing when you have to go so badly) What TF was i supposed to do? I either pee on her floor or poo on her floor....then out of sheer desperation and instinct an idea popped into my head: I ran into her bathtub and let myself go in there....I figured that at least this way I could rinse it all down instead of gettin shit on her floor.
At this point things got even worse... the turd wouldn't fucking dissolve and the damn bish was asking me w tf I'm doing showering in her washroom....
I then answer, "Yah, lol....I'm showering...is that ok?"
She says: "What the hell? Why?? You don't think we're having sex do you???
At this point I can't even think straight and I jokingly (retartedly) say, "oh yes we are lol"
She then gets mad and says: "wtf? Is this some kind of joke....get out of there!!"
and starts banging on the door and jiggiling the door knob.
I say: no....please don't come in....I'm not done yet.
At this point, the hot water that I'm using to dissolve my shit was releasing shit smelling vapors all over the room....and it was pretty rancid....the girl could smell it and she said: "why the hell does it smell so fucking bad? What the hell are you DOING in there!??"
I say: please don't come in....trust me..you'll regret it...
She says: **** this...get out NOW or I'm unlocking the door..
I beg her not to but she loses patience with me and then opens the door. She stops dead in her tracks.
There before her was me standing with a pseudo-erect penis, left over fecal matter residue on my ass, large semi dissolved turds in her bathtub, turds on the floor on and beside her toilet, and pee all over the floor in front of the can....I was SO fucking embarrassed, I started shivering... She looks at me as if in horror while covering her nose and mouth and whispers: "wt f did you do??" She was starting to cry....I hesitate for a bit and I try to explain myself "I tried my best......I.....I'm sorry"....she then flips out and tells me to clean up the mess or she's calling the cops. I agree to do it.
She leaves and I grab some toilet paper, pick up the turds from the floor and bathtub, toss them into the can, and then I proceed to clean off the floor and bathtub with soap, water, and a handful of tissues. Since her garbage can was full, I tossed them into the toilet bowl. I then took some perfume from the counter and sprayed it into the bathtub and in the air to get rid of the odor. After i was done, I cleaned my ass off and flushed the toilet. to my utmost dismay, the bulk of my massive fecal matter and the large amount of toilet paper/tissue eventually clogged the toilet and started spilling everything back onto the floor....I am literally crying at this point....."oh fuck. oh fuck.oh fuck." i remember saying while i am frantically trying to find a plunger....but i couldn't find it so i put my pants back on rushed out to ask her if she had one so that I could fix the toilet.....I see her with her roommate, her roommate's bf.....she's crying....as soon as she sees me she tells me to go right now.....I try to explain that the toilet is clogged.....but she doesn't let me.....she says she feels threatened and wants me out, now....she grabs a knife from the drawer and tells me to leave...I leave.
About thirty seconds later I hear this LOUD scream coming from her room (I assume she went back into the washroom to see it covered in poo water etc.). At that point I sprinted as fast as i possibly could while swearing at myself crying tears of frustration and embarrassment.
ALL of this could have fucking been prevented if I had just brought my goddamn pee bottle!!! The FIRST girl that shows interest in me and I have to go and shit in her bathtub!??!!! This is fucking retarded (yes mad!)
To all you people saying "peeing in a bottle is stupid/gross".....well fuck that.....not only is it more convenient and cleaner, it also prevents epic disasters like this one....
This is what WOULD have happened if i had my trusty pee bottle.....I would have sat on the can and then simultaneously peed into the bottle and pooed into the toilet. No disaster....no mess..... and none of this would have happened.
Anyway....should I let things cool off for a bit and call her back? maybe to apologize/explain myself?? or should I just hope that I never run into her again??
(name withheld for discretionary measures)
