Tell your best jokes!

The teachers at A&M were having their weekly staff meeting when one teacher spoke up and said "Do you people realize we have a student here who has been attending classes for over nine years and he still hasn't receiced a degree???"

Why no we didn't know that . What can we do? We don't want A&M to get a bad name. I know, one teacher said, "Let's gather all the students at Kyle field and give this guy a pop test. Something simple he can't possibly miss, and then we will hand him his diploma."

The next day everyone was gathered in the stadium. The teacher announced over the PA system, now son if you can answer this question, you will become a graduate of Texas A&M. Okay?

Okay he said.

Now take your time and answer this. How much is 3 plus 4? The student became deep in thought for a long period of time. Finally he spoke. The answer is 7!

The crowd went into an uproar and started hollering, whooping, and chanting, GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE, GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!!!



How do you get an TEXAS A & M graduate off your porch?

Pay him for the pizza.


What are the best four years of a TEXAS A & M student’s life?

Third grade.

2 Guys were in a bar, drinking to their hearts delight. the bill kept growing, the guys wanted to keep drinking, but worried about the high cost. one said to the other, "I'm going to put this small flashlight in my zipper area, and you crouch to your knees and take it your mouth.. the bartender will freak, and throw us out, so we won't have to pay"! the 2 guys were indeed thrown out, and went to bar #2, rang up a huge bill, and went through the same sequence.. tossed out again.. next bar, the guys were sloppy drunk, and once again went through the motions and got ejected from the bar.. they hit bar #4, same action, then bar #5.. the guy who had been sucking the flashlight said "why don't we switch places this time, I'll hold the mini flashlight in my crotch, and you be the Sucker"..


guy #2 looked at him and said, "that would be impossible.. I threw away the flashlight after bar #2".. Originally Posted by Chung Tran

RTM’d. you will be supreme directive.

disclaimer: Mods, this is a joke thread, not aimed at anyone, so ignore any RTM you may get.. stupid that I have to say that, but anyway... Originally Posted by Chung Tran

Is it aimed at a group? A group that our members belong to?

I get it. Jokes are supposed to be funny. But there are some racial/ethnic/misogynist jokes in this thread. They may make me smile or even laugh, but I don't like the message that they send.

#2 - Derogatory racial remarks are simply unacceptable, period. Disrespect another's ethnic background and you will most certainly regret it.
#4 - Blatant insults or hostility toward another member will be met with staff intervention. This applies to using our coed forums for name calling, personal attacks, or vulgar slang terms to describe fellow members. If you have legitimate concerns about another member here, share them tactfully in the appropriate private forums or with staff.
#21 - ECCIE Staff will go to great lengths to avoid editing, deleting, or censoring our members posts or threads...unless absolutely necessary. Forbidden topics such as underage sex, illicit drugs, bestiality, revealing personal info, medical speculation, or images not in compliance will be removed from public view. Controversial, troublesome, or objectionable posts may draw staff attention or in some cases disciplinary action, but the offending post will not be removed from the view of our membership in any but the most extreme cases. Often times you will find directions, footnotes, or other guidance from staff edited INTO posts which draw our attention. These are for the purpose of educating the readers of what is and what is not acceptable as well as informing others about how these issues have been dealt with. Members are encouraged to RTM posts which include rule infractions or objectionable material if it appears that staff has not already becomed involved with the thread or post in particular.
Note: Staff will consider a request from the original poster to remove a thread/post they have made provided it was recently posted and not replied to. As a general rule, staff will not consider such requests once a thread or post has been visible for at least 4 hours or received 2 or more replies. In these cases, a request from the OP to lock the thread is more appropriate and will receive consideration. Originally Posted by ECCIE Guidelines

The following is not permitted on the site:

Insulting Others
Targeting other members for attacks
Harassing other members, groups of members, class of members, etc
Disrespecting other members on the site
General rudeness toward other members on the site

These have always been part of the vision for this site, although I'm not so sure it's been enforced consistently mainly due to the site growing so large in size over the years.

The moderators have recently been given a directive from Site Admins to enforce these particular guidelines strongly and consistently across the board, anywhere it may exist. The key word is ANYWHERE. Any forum, public or private. If someone insults you to your face or behind your back they have still insulted you and that is that. Originally Posted by St.C

Q. Why do Vampires believe everything you tell them?

A. Because they’re Suckers!!!

Three dogs are sitting in the Vets office, one Chihuahua , one Bulldog and one Great Dane.

The Bulldog asks the Chihuahua, “Hey, why are you here?”

The Chihuahua says, “I’m 17 years old, I don’t see as well, I don’t hear as well, and I’m having a lot of accidents in the house now. A lot of them, so my owners are going to have me put down, the Big Siesta!”

The Bulldog says, “Wow that sucks.”

The Chihuahua asks the Bulldog, “Why are you here?”

The Bulldog says, “We’ll my owners just had their first child and I went from getting all the attention to getting none. I’ve gotten a little jealous and I’ve nipped the baby 3 different times. They tried to find another home for me but no one wants me, so they’re gonna have me put down, too.”

Chihuahua says, “Bummer dude.”

The Bulldog turns to the Great Dane and asks, “Hey Buddy, what’s your story, why are you here?”

The Great Dane says, “Well my owner is this gorgeous SuperModel and she is always walking around the house completely naked. One day we’re in the kitchen, she drops a spoon on the floor and bends over to pick it up and I could resist! I mounted her and went to town!”

The Chihuahua asks, “Damn, and now she’s having you put down?”

The Great Dane replies, “Oh hell no! I’m here to get my nails clipped!”

There is this sperm named Little Johnny and everyday he’s hangin’ out with all the other sperms in the Rec Room, only Little Johnny is different.

While all the other sperms are just loungin’ around playing cards, watchin’ TV or lookin’ at porn mags, Little Johnny is always workin’ out, doing pushups, sit-ups, jumpin’ rope, etc.

One of the other sperms asks him one day, “Hey Johnny, why are you always working out?”

Johnny replies, “Well the Laws of Nature are that only one Sperm can make it with the Egg and become a human and when the Big Day comes I am going to be that guy because I am going to be in the best shape and able to out swim you guys!”

Well, a few days later all the Sperms are hangin’ out as usual, Little Johnny is workin’ out as usual, then things start to heat up a little and everyone starts gettin’ a little jumpy. Then before you know it they all take off down the chute. They are all swimming just as hard as they can then Little Johnny comes swimming through all of them with ease and before you know it he’s out of sight. Everyone get’s dejected and hates that they wasted all that time in the Rec Room.

As they’re kicking themselves and remembering Little Johnny’s words, all of a sudden here comes Little Johnny swimming back through them going the opposite way screaming, “Go Back, Go Back, It’s A Blowjob, It’s A Blowjob!”

Two Aggies are walking on a sidewalk on campus at A&M one day when they come upon a big, male dog laying down beside the sidewalk just going to town licking his tallywacker!

The first Aggie says, “Gosh damn, I sure wish I could do that!”

The second Aggie says, “You better not he might bite you!”

You're on a roll manslut

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The daughter seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."

The first man asks "Can I make a wish?

" Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"

"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks "

The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head!

And the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?"

2 funny jokes CG2014!

I guess the guy didn't give a flying fuck about the flying ducks.

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up
and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or
pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual
Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston ."


He swallowed hard.

Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and
she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at this convention?"


"Lecturer," she responded.
"I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to
debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."


"Really?" he said.

"And what kind of myths are there?"


"Well, she explained, "One popular myth is that African-American men are the
most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian
who is most likely to possess that trait."

"Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually
it is men of Jewish descent who are the best."

"I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is
the Southern Redneck."


Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry,"
she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't
even know your name..."


"Tonto," the man said,
"Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

^^^ +1000

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"



-----------


"Good evening, ladies", said Holmes politely to three young women sitting on a bench eating bananas.
"You know them?" asked Watson
"No my dear friend, I've never seen before this nun, this whore, and this young wife."
"Holmes, you never cease to amaze me! How is it that you had deduced that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun holds the banana in one hand and breaks it into little bites with the other. The whore stuffs the entire banana into her mouth."
"Incredible! But how is it that you know the young wife."
"And the young wife," continued Holmes, "held the banana in one hand, and with the other she pushed her head down onto it."