Tell me a joke!!!!!!!

Pet Sex Frog

A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store she notices a box full of live frogs.
The sign says: "Pet Sex Frogs! Only Rs. 2000! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. After looking at the instructions...

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

...she gets even more excited, and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As soon as she gets home she follows the instructions to the letter -- but to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So the blonde calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...."

Crafty guy, and she even paid. lol

The Guitarist:

As a guitarist, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…

I think you've helped me discover my dream job.

Pet Sex Frog

A young blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store she notices a box full of live frogs.
The sign says: "Pet Sex Frogs! Only Rs. 2000! Comes with complete instructions."

The blonde excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. After looking at the instructions...

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

...she gets even more excited, and whispered softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."

As soon as she gets home she follows the instructions to the letter -- but to her surprise nothing happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset.

She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."

So the blonde calls the pet store. The man says, "I'll be right over."

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time...." Originally Posted by sweet.countrygirl

3 women were discussing what soda their husbands would be named after.

1st woman: My husband would be called Mountain Dww, becauwe when he mounts he does.

2nd woman: My husband would be 7UP, because everyday at 7 he is up.

3rd woman: After thinking for a while says mine would be Jack Daniels. One woman says thats not a soda that's a hard liquor. She says I know and that's my Leroy!!

I like that ftboy ...lol

Guy 1: If you woke up one morning with mud on your knees and a condom dangling from your backside would you tell anyone?

Guy 2: Of course not..

Guy 1: Great, you want to go camping?

Fred and Mary got married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they went
back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together.

In the morning,
Johnny, Fred's little brother, got up and had his breakfast.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think!
Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.'

Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think!
Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline, and I
think..I gave him my super glue. !!

What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?

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Tug-of-whore

EZ- I laughed out loud on the guitarist.

A man goes to a bar and meets an escort.

After talking to her for a bit, he asks her, "Alright. Enough talk. How much is it gonna cost me for a handjob?"

"$50," She says.

"$50 for a handjob? You've got to be kidding me!" He replies.

"Come over here," She says. "See that car outside?" She points to the window. He looks out, and sees a brand new sports car.

"Wow, that looks pretty expensive." He says.

"I bought that purely off $50 handjobs." She replies.

The man thinks to himself, "Hell, they must be pretty good." So he gives her $50, and sure enough, best one he's ever had.

He goes back the next night and finds her again. After a few drinks he says, "Alright. That handjob last night was pretty good. How much for a blowjob?"

"$500." She says.

"$500? That's fucking ridiculous." The man replies.

"Come here. See that house on the hill?" she says. So the man comes over, and looks out the window. Outside on the hill, he sees an immaculate mansion. Easily more than 20 rooms.

"Wow, that looks extremely expensive." he says.

"I bought that off of $500 blowjobs." she says.

So following suit, the man gives her $500, and sure enough, it's the best blowjob of his entire life.

On the third night, he returns once more. "Alright," He says. "No more playing around. How much is it gonna cost for some pussy?"

She replies, "Hell, if I had a pussy I'd own this town!"

EZ- I laughed out loud on the guitarist. Originally Posted by Misawahawk

Yes, I did too.......really caught me by surprise and couldn't help it.....

Okay this really happened when I was a kid..

I'm over at my grandparents house..a newlywed couple has moved in nexdoor and as he is leaving for work one morning he and his wife are making out etc.. My Grandmother asks my Grandfather why he never does that?

Grandfather: "Well Honey I would but I think I should get to know her a little better first"...

Ammo is getting scarce!

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice,

"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella.
Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked,

"What kind of ammo 'ya got?" LMAO

2 guys walk into a bar.
1 falls down. The other ducks.

A man and his wife went to DC for vacation. While there they decided to stay at the infamous Watergate Hotel. When they got to their room they were discussing that all of these rooms must be bugged. So they went about searching the room for bugs. After looking for a while they gave up and went to bed. In the middle of the night the husband has to get up to pee. While peeing he thinks again about the bug theory and decides to do 1 more search. When he lifts up the corner of the area rug he sees it! There it is a metal plate screwed to the floor. He quickly goes to get his pocket knife and removes the screws to get a look at what's inside. Alas NOTHING. Disappointed, he puts everything back how he found it and returns to bed. The next morning while checking out, the desk clerk notices what room they stayed in. "I just want to apologize about all of the ruckus last night," she says. Confused, the husband asks, "What ruckus?" "Well, last night, in the middle of the night, the light fixture fell off the ceiling in the room right below yours and landed on the guests while they were sleeping!"