I Screwed Up and Fell for a Provider

This thread is lasting longer then my third marriage.

I belive you should tell her how you feel. She can either like it and feel the same, or give you a reality check. Either way you wont be left feeling so confused. I have met many clients i would date in the real world. The thing is, lets say you do take it to the next level, what does that mean? Do you ask her to quit her job and quit seeing other girls? All the while you are going home to your wife... Not really fair. What i have found is when a gal starts dating a client... the $ usually stops. Just because feelings are there, doesnt mean the help should stop. Unless of course she makes that call. Anyways, i strongly suggest talking to her. Yes she is seeing other guys, but you MAY be special to her. And you wont know unless you are upfront and honest. Good luck and either way i hope you get your answers... you deserve that much. Just dont creep her out, dont mention the jealousy. Just mention the good part... that you care about her. Originally Posted by Stacy lovelane

good post Stacy, I think if yall do fall for each other the less distractions the better. now how will come about is each to own situation.

Txsailor,

So, what happened? Have you told her yet? Have you stopped seeing her? Have you re-committed to Mrs. TxSailor?

I think quite a few people were engaged by your post and want to know its resolution. Originally Posted by 3daygetaway

Well, I thought most of you would be tired of this thread by now, but since you asked so nicely, I will give an update.


Where do I start? First of all I want to thank everyone that responded here in the thread and those that sent IM's. I received a lot of advice, some contradicting others, but almost all was well meant. I am ....older...(born in the sixties), married, kids, a decent job and quite a few friends. But throughout this whole thing I have never felt more alone..... this is not something that I can talk about with anyone I know. So I thank you all for letting me get this off my chest and getting a lot of well meaning advice.

I don't think there is an easy answer for this situation, I know what I SHOULD do, and I know what I WANT to happen, and I also know what the most likely outcome is. For reasons I do not want to go into here I know there is no future for "US" even if she felt the same, and I am pretty sure she does not. I have all BUT told her how I feel, I beat all around the bush and she just hugged me. I am not going to pursue this any further than that because I think it would just push this into the weird zone where no one wants to go.

If this young lady were a 19 year old bubblegum head, I would have never been attracted to her like I am. She is younger than me, but not so much that if you saw us in restaurant you would think anything of it. She is a very intelligent and well educated lady, with different points of view than mine, our conversations can be heated, very enlightening and a ton of fun. What I want desperately is to put the genie back into the bottle, to get over this notion of love. No matter how nice it is to feel "in love" again, it is out of place and will more than likely be unrequited. She has allowed me to pursue fantasies no other provider I know would allow, I have been able to explore my kinky side, bondage, domination, etc.. A level of trust was developed and I really want to explore more some of these things that I thought I would never experience.

I normally am very cynical about any praise...or compliments that I get from a provider or a stripper. I realize that I am paying her to play a part, an aspect of that part is to make me feel good. I think this time my defense came down because she is a waitress, not "officially" a provider. She pursued me in the club, and said she had been watching me, As things started off she played her part well and maintained contact frequently, long text discussions, quick day brighteners, etc. I began to think she liked me in some way and that it just a mutually beneficial arrangement, that we were having a relationship much like a Sugar Daddy/Sugar Babe thing .....something mutually beneficial. I thought of it as the same as many of my relationships I have had with my clients over the years.... yeah we do business together, but we are also friends...we go out to eat...we hang out....we go fishing together....etc. It was business and personal ...mixed together. I was fine with that, but I thought I had an exclusive. Recently there have been reasons for me to suspect that she is entertaining others, and since my last post there have been more developments to indicate that. I was hurt upon discovering this, but in reality I have no right to be hurt. I was and still am, to some degree, off base with those feelings. The intellectual and emotional sides of me are not currently in agreement, but the emotional side is coming around to accepting things for what they are, but not willingly.

So....what I do I see as my choices? Walk away and never see her again or accept that there are others she has similar arrangements with. The latter is what I am trying to accomplish for now, there will come a time when I have to walk away. I am not leaving my wife by choice. She may discover my wanderings some day and kick me out, but I am not going to leave. I owe it to the kids. At the same time, I am trying to re-establish a better relationship at home. I sent my wife flowers for the first time in fifteen years the other day. I will probably never have the same sexual relationship with my wife, but I might be able to obtain a much higher level of intimacy....something I now know I want and need..

The advice that helped the most .....surprisingly...was the advice that most disgusted me when I first read it. Austinfunandfit suggested that I watch the lady with another guy.....then JennsLoli expanded on it by suggesting to envision the act. The first thought of this when I read it was like being hit in the stomach, this was exactly what began my quandary, thoughts of her and another guy. I decided to try it though, to image this happening, I am an amateur artist and even created some images of her with a guy that would sexually intimidate me. It began to work, in fact I began to be turned on by the images.... (I really am messed up). The jealousy is subsiding, it is not gone though but it is getting bottled up. If I were to see her with another guy in the club doing lap dances for him, I would have to leave. I would be devastated and probably need to throw up. There is a chance this will happen if I keep going to this club.

So I am trying to push the genie back into the bottle and enjoy this lady's company for a while longer. While at the same time preparing for when it does have to end. I know that clean cut would be smarter, but I just don't want to yet.

Sorry for rambling, but I had a lot on my mind.

Thank you for the update. The honesty you showed caused me to think.

Keep everything in perspective. Good luck in your future.

Playing devil's advocate here a little...

While I agree with MUCH of what you stated, their are some exceptions to the rule. I speak from personal experience and first hand knowledge. People have met, in the hobby, that went on to have successful meaningful relationships. It is rare, but it does happen.

I could not disagree more that we can never be anything else to each other besides provider/hobbyist. I have several meaningful friendships that came from the hobby. I do not benefit from these friendships in any way, other than great friendship. They do not benefit from me, besides my friendship. Errr, maybe I am delusional! I also care about my clients. Some more than others, naturally. But I do care. If any of them really needed something, I can honestly say I would be there to lend an ear or hand.

What the OP describes does not sound like an exception to the rule. This is just my opinion. An opinion of a stranger, nothing more.

I think the best advice is the INDIVIDUAL counseling!!! Your $$ is probably better spent and more self fullfilling than developing a huge hobby habit! You would probably find your sanity and happiness much faster too! Originally Posted by Scarlett Rossi

I never said the relationship couldn't evolve beyond provider/hobbyist, just that it couldn't evolve into the trusting, romantic, exclusive relationship that he's undoubtedly after. He doesn't want to be in the friendzone, as it sounds like some of your clients are. Most providers I've seen are friendly, and would indeed make good candidates for friends, but never a wife or exclusive companion. I wouldn't entertain this man's fantasies by emphasizing that there's a rare exception to the rule - we have only his stories and the odds to go by, and both indicate he should hit the road. I stand by my advice, but welcome the dialogue.

txsailor, it sounds like you are reaching your own resolution on this. I agree that if she is providing services to others, you are probably best to do whatever is necessary for you to disengage emotionally. As long as you see her, that is easier said than done. Stopping seeing her is also easier said than done. A lot of my advice would spring from your assessment of whether she would be trustworthy and either become exclusive to you or limit activities with others to something that you and she are both comfortable with. I also have a sexless marriage--mine has been that way for a long, long time and will never change; we both choose to stay with each other. I went through some years of being unhappy, but for many years we've had a happy situation together, notwithstanding the absence of sex. So over the past period of more than 30 years, I've had different experiences along the lines of what you describe--including initially the kinds of feelings you have described. I am lifelong friends with almost every girl that I have seen regularly over an extended time. I've run into most or all of the combinations of types of relationships: love+money; love with no money; sex and companionship for money; and just plain money with almost nothing in return. I think the best way to go is: (1) give first priority to your marriage and family, if you are not wanting to destroy that; (2) be careful not to get caught, whatever you do; (3) be very careful to get to know the girl(s)--is there anything mutual? might she try to blackmail you or simply always be asking for more money than you can handle; (4) decide where you think this will head--can you afford what may happen, both financially and emotionally--can she handle emotionally the fact that you go home to your wife who always comes first (and sometimes you have to go home minutes after sex)?; (5) nothing in life is certain, but only after you have a handle on the previous considerations and no doubt others that apply to your life and your situation, then go ahead and tell her exactly what you are feeling. See what happens. At least you won't be torturing yourself.

Reading the OP, I could have written about half of it- strained marriage (wife is depressive) loneliness, etc. I've met a provider I really care for a lot(more than one, actually, but one who I actively see). Development of feelings between providers and clients isn't all that unusual. Recent studies have shown that hobbyists are in fact often looking for love in the hobby.

As long as your feelings respect both parties expectations, I think its okay to be "more" than provider and client. Both parties need to find their own balance and end up on same page, and things can change over time. Not everyone can compartmentalize their feelings equally well- if someone won't let themselves get deeper with us, it could be their defense mechanism and not that we aren't loveable. I'm a bit the opposite (largely due to my work)- I can love someone pretty easily.

Most important, and this is where a lot of bitterness seems to emerge, is that we all need to remember that intimacy is supposed to be enjoyable, whether its at home, at work or being paid for. Providers shouldn't feel jaded when clients enjoy other providers or their own wives. We clients owe it to the providers we care for to allow them to enjoy their job when with other clients just as we want them to when they're with us. They deserve to enjoy their lives as much as we do ours.

Missing each other, a little jealousy- fine- ( I get jealous of unexpected things like photographers and not other clients) but nobody should have a major problem with the fact that in the hobby, we can love but we need to share and we need to play fair. If you're not together and one is wondering if the other is with someone else, well, one is allowed to wonder, the other is allowed to be with someone else, and everyone needs to be okay with it.

Don't get mad if your favorite provider is with someone else and enjoying herself. She shouldn't have to hate her job to prove herself to you. If you really care about her, then care for her spirits and self-esteem. Appreciate her as a sensual and sexual being- that's why you hooked up with her in the first place. Don't be just another guy that says he doesn't judge her by her work and then gets mad if she works. If you want her to feel different about you then you need to feel different and act different. This job takes a lot out of most girls and even becoming their friend shows a tremendous display of trust on their part. If a relationship develops, it tends to do so in an order that's backwards from RW relationships.

OP, keep things in perspective. Good luck.

... Recent studies have shown that hobbyists are in fact often looking for love in the hobby ... Originally Posted by Truthbetold

Interesting perspective, Tbt. Thanks for sharing. And do you have a link or two to these "recent studies"?

Interesting perspective, Tbt. Thanks for sharing. And do you have a link or two to these "recent studies"? Originally Posted by JohnnyYanks

Sure.

http://lasvegas.cbslocal.com/2012/08...for-true-love/


Here's a link to a pithy editorial reply to a man who confided much like the OP did.

http://www.salon.com/2005/12/02/prostitute/

Sure.

http://lasvegas.cbslocal.com/2012/08...for-true-love/


Here's a link to a pithy editorial reply to a man who confided much like the OP did.

http://www.salon.com/2005/12/02/prostitute/ Originally Posted by Truthbetold

Thank you for the links to these two sources. I have read them now, and they are both well worth reading. The second link is "right on"--it's good advice. If someone is going to persist in a relationship outside the marriage, then (1) he better not ever get caught and (2) he better be able to act within his own family in a happy and involved and interested way. The problem is that many do get caught. The other problem is that the natural reaction at home when there is an emotionally consuming outside relationship is to become preoccupied, depressed, and in general acting so differently that it is not going to be a good year or two (or however long the outside relationship lasts) at home--and the wife is likely to figure out that something is up.

"What can be broken, must be."

You existed happily long before this and after some time you will continue to exist as a happy individual. "Love" is a very powerful thing and destroys the strongest of men. Tell her exactly how you feel and want, there is no beating around the bush. If she returns it great if not then you have to do everything in your power to move on, I.e watching her with other guys and being jealous, these and other feelings will destroy you, but you will get so sick of being destroyed that you will force yourself to move on and get over it." And after it happens to you once it will never happen again. Learn and grow from this. As the dumb kids say, "YOLO." You only live once. Hold nothing back, it will either be rewarded immediately or after a long period of "near death." In order for the sun to rise again, it must first set.

Been there done that - Rx:
Take two hookers and call me in the morning Originally Posted by cckid2006

The fastest way to get "OVER" someone is to get "UNDER" someBODY else!
Perhaps someone younger and hotter.. Have you ever had a double with 2 Blonde 19yr olds?