Let me help you

Originally Posted by notanewbie

That guy is going to be one of our regular contributors.

Tired of trying to create a board persona without success?

Snippy little zingers coming back to bite you in the ass faster than an alligator in heat?

Yo' mama jokes and Bwahahaha's just not giving you the notoriety you crave?

Spent too many nights with buyer's remorse after falling prey to the seductive texts and PMs of the fat & fugly? (you know, the ones you pray don't give you an unsolicited Okay on p411 for all to see).

I CAN HELP!

For a small fee, I can teach you how to be viewed as the Hated, yet Revered One, blessed be he. You too can be a SHMB bad boy - the RIGHT way (sorry, carkido )

Don't wait another minute. Call now with credit cards in hand. Operators are standing by.

1st 12 callers receive FREE 30 day trial membership (Awesome Asshole level only)

Elephant of Enmity and Platinum Prick available for a slight additional cost. Originally Posted by TexasGator

How did I miss this thread?

TG - you forgot to mention how to be the ZAGAT's editor of SHMB.

They were hiring . . .

Everybody wants to be me...

Shouldn't this be in Co-ed?

Fucking modtards!

[/COLOR]


We should be business partners... I could teach the the skills of Platinum Pussy!!!

But everyone should be warned. Take caution that these are not just False Advertisements and Fakes..... I did see some chick advertising the other day...Platnum Pu**y....(You can't have PlatInum Pu**y with out I!) Don't be fooled by these Get Educated Real Quick antics!! Originally Posted by Abigail (Source of JOY)

Probably just nickel plated knockoff pussy, anyway.


As for the Subway issues, Jared is getting a little long in the tooth, maybe they'd add corporate sponsorship.....like they have with Biggest Loser.

Ooh yeah. I love the pussycats

Especially the cute playful ones...



I could use some help with this one.... leaves too many scratch marks!


Oh and I love the playful monkeys too..


Dogs aren't for me... they're too dangerous

Which one of you fucktards took a star off of my five star threAD?

Which one of you fucktards took a star off of my five star threAD? Originally Posted by boardman

Had to be Brooke...she's the only five star thread starter...she took some time out from RTM'ing Provider Ads and cataloging every hooker and pimp on BP to adjust it...she got jealous...

Originally Posted by carkido45

Noooooooooooo!

Originally Posted by carkido45

Another satisfied boardman client...... CK45 & his latina kitties!

JaD

First installment:

How to Clip Your cat's claws

If we humans want to return the love our cats shower upon us, a good way to do it is make sure our cat's nails are trimmed on a regular basis. Why trim a cat's nails? There's a long list of reasons.

1. Long nails can get caught on things in the house and a torn nail may result.
2. Cat scratch posts and platforms are not always enough to keep your cat's nails trim. And they won't do any good at all if the cat doesn't want to use them.
3. Ingrown nails can result when the nail grows around into a circle and pierces the foot pad. Polydactyl (multi-toed) cats are especially prone to this syndrome. If not treated, ingrown nails are painful for the cat and their paws can become infected.
4. Claws are formed from keratin, the same substance that forms hair. They grow continuously just like human finger and toe nails. There are five claws on each fore paw but only four on each of the hind paws that will require clipping.
5. Sharp cat claws will shred screen doors, furniture and drapes.
6. It is always better to trim cat's nails instead of having them surgically removed. Some vets will refuse to do it for ethical reasons. A cat can't defend itself from other animals or even escape up a tree with no claws. A few nations, Australia for example, have banned declawing as inhumane.

Before trimming your cat's nails, assemble all of the supplies you will need. Purchase a pair of safety type nail clippers from a pet store. They are sometimes also known as Guillotine clippers and are usually less than $10. You should also have some styptic powder or gel handy in case of bleeding. Have some cat treats nearby too, so kitty and get positive reinforcement when the procedure ends successfully. Sometimes a large towel is helpful to hold a struggling cat steady and help keep him calm.
Step By Step Nail Trimming Instructions:

• Make sure you've purchased a nail clipping tool. Have someone demonstrate how to use it at the pet store.
• This is not an activity that should be rushed. You can prepare your cat for nail clipping by spending a week gently massaging your cat's paws and getting him used to having his paws handled.
• Place one finger on the cat's food pad and push the claw so that it is visible through the fur. This might take greater manual dexterity if you have a long-haired cat with furry "hobbit-like" feet.
• Start slowly. Don't feel like you have to complete the entire process in one setting. If your cat seems stressed out, try doing just one paw per day rather than all at once.
• Trim each nail to just beyond the point where it begins to curve.
• Only trim the white tip of the claw. Never clip the pink or darker part of the nail which is closer to the foot pad. The thin vein which runs down the nail is called the nail bed or quick, and it is usually visible. It is only necessary to snip a small portion of the pointed end of the nail so it becomes blunt.
• It's always better to clip too little, rather than too much.
• If you are really uncomfortable about clipping your cat's nails by yourself, remember that most vets and all groomers will include nail trimming as part of their services. Another option is to have your vet demonstrate how to clip nails when you have your next visit.

Fast Cat Nail Clipping Facts

• Sometimes the cat nail clipping project is easier to accomplish with two people involved instead of just one. Have one person keep the cat still and the other to trim the nails.
• Why do cats systematically scratch household items? They are actually not trying to sharpen their claws. Cats have sweat glands between their paw pads, and by scratching, there are leaving their "scent" and thereby marking their territory.

Some people may be more comfortable using one of the "Peticure" or "Pedipaws" electric nail trimmers as seen on TV. They are not quite as simple to operate as the television commercial indicates, but they can be effective if the cat is OK with the electronic buzzing noise.

My standard fee applies. Originally Posted by boardman

Proud member of TBE



In honor of Sgt Meow....One bad ass cat



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