I've Decided to Become a Sexual Surrogate

LMFAO- TFF. I dig it, now give me some poetry please. Mine is weak. Originally Posted by homer13

Homie’s Ho’s
Our hookers are hot
And truly a sight
Nice tits, cute butt
And a kitty that’s tight

They come with a smile
To please all that pay
You pick out a position
And that’s how they will lay

We only have the best
Cunts and Bitches Homie has not
But if you like tight pussy
You’ll love these a lot

All colors and shapes
Homie offers only nice chicks
So why not call Homie
If you want to wax you’re sticks


I never got a price on the "shark"?

Okay, if I close my eyes will I be invisible to the bull dogs coming my way soon? Originally Posted by Laney1

Invisible? Clearly you posted this so the bull dogs would take some notice of you and charge. "Hey guys! (Waving red flag) Look Look Look over here! Ok now if I close my eyes maybe they won't see me"

You know, the "pimps"...the guys behind their cubicles wearing Docker slacks and button down Ralph Lauren shirts who talk sh*t about pimping ho**....when the reality is they are sitting behind their little computers while the wifey is cooking dinner and rounding up the kiddos.

"Michael..stop hitting your sister!!"

"Robert, get in here and control these kids. They've been driving me crazy all day...and you've been sitting behind the computer all F-ing night!!

"God dammit...I need to finish this project that's due for work!!

MEANWHILE...

Yeah...I'm pimping these b**ch - H*e- sl*ts. Yada, yada, yada.....


I think Leslie Lane/Laney just screwed herself out of working in this town again. Originally Posted by Laney1

And the reason we shouldn't assume you aren't actually the real Robert with bitching wife and screaming kids is? Hum drum Bob assumes the online persona of Laney the anonymous provider.

Pretty much everyone on the board excepting registered providers could be balding pot bellied Bob playing out his online fantasy. This especially includes you. The difference is Homi doesn't really expect anyone to believe he's turned pimp.

So is Laney really the name of your sister-in-law, baby sitter or is she perhaps the hot milf next door who mows her lawn in cut off shorts (who your overweight wife hates)?

Follwing the lead of Hommie's Hoes, I also am pursuing my god-intended career, please observe: I propose to become a sex surrogate. That is, someone who will live out your unrealized sexual fantasies so that you don't HAVE to!

Sexual fantasies; we all have 'em but most of us are too scared to complete our sex-bucket list, 'cause then what the fuck are we going to do? It's that untamed dragon that keeps us going each morning when we wake.

Most of us fell in love with a fantasy when we saw it our heard about it on the internet, probably on one of these boards. In order to keep your fantasy fresh--not unlike a technicolor retoration on a classic movie--YOU need an occasional reminder of JUST how good that fantasy would be to fulfill.

Save yourselves, Gentlemen from the horror of a completed bucketlist by entrusting me with your fantasy. I will, like Atlas, carry upon MY shoulders YOUR dirty deed. ME, ME? Oh, don't worry about me: I don't think the men of Austin can produce enogh variety to satiate my list--it's wild.

SO, here's how it works: You present me with a bucket list item off of your list, pay for the neccesary props, secure the provider, and I will do your item, then write an AMAZING review. Encouters I am currrently accepting proposals for are:

*sex with an alien
*being cock #2 in a three-way
*being cock #1 in a three-way
*being the ONLY cock in a three-way
*(Not currently available for cock #3 in a three-way)
*Death by Pegging
*Having sex with an amputee, while being pegged by her prosthetic

&&&&& Gift cards are also available so that you may give a gift that keeps on giving. Originally Posted by 3daygetaway

How about getting pegged while free falling from 10,000 ft without a parachute? How much? Actually price is no object. I'll pay any fee you request but of course I'll write the check after you complete the task.

Why 10,000 ? Every time I've jumped was 13,000 sometimes more . Never cheat yourself out of elavation .

...fucking hi-jackers

Anybody want to watch me fuck a midget? Tickets are cheaper than going to the movies...I'll even bring popcorn.

...fucking hi-jackers

Anybody want to watch me fuck a midget? Tickets are cheaper than going to the movies...I'll even bring popcorn. Originally Posted by 3daygetaway

Well played!

I bleeve the nuts have taken over the asylum!

...fucking hi-jackers

Anybody want to watch me fuck a midget? Tickets are cheaper than going to the movies...I'll even bring popcorn. Originally Posted by 3daygetaway

I'd pay YOU to watch you fuck a midget!

'Cept I get to pick the midget, and I pick the Mayor of the Munchkin City....

I always wanted to fuck a movie star!

And no, I will not respond to your pm's. So stop sending them!!! lol Originally Posted by Laney1

Laney1?

Hmmmmm, somewhere in the deep, dark recesses of my overextended memory bank that name seems vaguely familiar. The lady in the avatar seems familiar, as well.

Could it be that our paths have crossed at one time or another?

Oh...there are so many paths in life. Sometimes the path that leads me back to Eccie every now and again is laced with explosive grenades that detonate at my sheer presence.

But I'm still standing...

You back for more ? Hahahaha !

Oh...there are so many paths in life. Sometimes the path that leads me back to Eccie every now and again is laced with explosive grenades that detonate at my sheer presence.

But I'm still standing... Originally Posted by Laney1

Oh, my dear Leslie. We don't want you standing.

Oh, my dear Leslie. We don't want you standing. Originally Posted by Sire

LOL! That was fucked up. Funny too.

I bow to thy "Sire"....because even I concede that, that was F**ked up funny!!!

Screw that! I plan on enjoying my sexual conquests myself! Yo ho!