Tell me a joke!!!!!!!

A C-level large and in charge businessman had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a headache for the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room requesting to take his temperature. After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth."No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I cannot use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.
Eventually the man's doctor came into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?" Haven't you ever seen someone having his temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor confessed with a suppressed laugh in his voice, "Well, no, I guess I haven't. Not with a carnation, anyway!"

Two cows are out grazing in a pasture. One says to the other "Hey, are you concerned at all about this highly contagious Mad Cow disease I hear is going around?"
The other replies, "I don't give a shit, I'm a helicopter."

A shy guy walks into a bar and sees a beautiful blonde woman sitting at the counter. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, do you mind if I buy you a drink?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,

"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" And walk out the door. Everyone in the bar is now staring at the guy.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and walks aways to his table.

After a few minutes, the blonde woman returns and walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says,

"I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs,

"WHAT?! $200 FOR A BLOWJOB?!"

An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Rimini Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father... she started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Kaylen, I love your new avatar

A cop pulls a guy over for speeding and ask for his driver’s license and insurance. When the cop looks at the license and insurance he sees that there is only the first name of the driver which is Frank. The cop looks at the driver and says, “What you just handed me has to be fake because everyone has a first and last name.” The driver looks at the cop and says, “Yes officer I did have a last name at one point and I can explain. You see I was born Frank Johnson, and then I went to med school so I became Frank Johnson MD. I got bored just being an MD so I went to law school and became Frank Johnson MDJD. Again I got bored so went to dental school and then I became Frank Johnson MDJDDDS. I finally found a job I was happy with being a DDS but one day I hooked up with my CDT and she gave me VD, so I became Frank Johnson MDJDDDSw/VD. Well my wife found out about the VD and she filed for divorce and notified the ethics boards. Well the dental board took my DDS so I was now Frank Johnson MDJDw/VD, the bar took my JD so I was then Frank Johnson MDw/VD, and the medical review board took my MD so then I was Frank Johnson with VD, and the VD took my Johnson so now I am just Frank. The cop stood there for a second then handed Frank his license and insurance back and said, “Sir please slow down and drive safe,” then turned around and walked away.

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.... "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

One of my only jokes a little boy was walking to school passes on the corner a house. On the porch was a lady standing next to the door she comes over and smiles and starts waving. Wondering he went on to school and didn't think nothing of it..... HE was on his way home from school it was a different lady and she was standing there and she walks over smiling puts her arm around his shoulders leads him insids as he walks in and sees beautiful ladies everywhere and the lady comes up and says pick one anyone you want.. after coming back downstairs he goes up to the lady at the desk he asks her..... is it possible did that lady could have maybe had AIDS..dumbfounded the lady just kinda looks at him and says well it might be a possibility... The little boy asks.... okay well if I sleep with my sister is my sister gotta get it.. confused the lady just looks at him and says well I'm pretty sure that's how it works..he asks again still my sister sleeps with my daddy.. will my daddy probably get it.. doesn't know what to think but she answered I'm pretty sure that's how it works the little boy looks up and says so if my daddy sleeps with my mommy my mommy will get it.. she looks down and answers well that's how it works.. the little boy looks at her one last time I only have one more question.... if my mommy sleeps with the mailman will the mailman get it.. .. absolutely amazed at this point the woman replies yes that is how it works.. the little boy smiles and looks up at her and that's good that's the s.o.b... That ran over my bicycle! So... How was that.

A couple tortillas got wrapped up in a taco bar. A mumbled voice cried “Cheese us! Sour cream, lettuce out!"

What the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?

You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

FYI.. Two fingers are one to many for me lol

What the difference between a bowling ball and a blonde?

You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. Originally Posted by BigMikeinKC

A lady walks into the ice cream store. She asks the young man behind the counter for a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of chocolate, and a gallon of strawberry ice cream.

Young man: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we’re all out of chocolate.”

Lady: “Oh, ok. Then I’ll have a half-gallon of vanilla, a half-gallon of chocolate, and a half-gallon of strawberry ice cream.”

Young man: “Ma’am, I just told you, we are completely out of chocolate ice cream!”

Lady: “Oh yeah, right. Well, in that case, I’ll have a pint of vanilla, a pint of chocolate, and a pint of strawberry ice cream.”

Frustrated young man: “Ma’am, do you know how to spell the word ‘van’ in vanilla?”

Lady: “Yes, V-A-N.”

Young man: “Good, do you know how to spell the word ‘straw’ in strawberry?”

Lady: “Yes, S-T-R-A-W.”

Young man: “Great, do you know how to spell the word ‘fuck’ in chocolate?”

Lady, after thinking for a few seconds: “There is no ‘fuck’ in chocolate.”

Young man: “That’s what I am trying to tell you,, there’s no fuckin’ chocolate!!”

That's funny Wiz...hehe Thanks

A lady walks into the ice cream store. She asks the young man behind the counter for a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of chocolate, and a gallon of strawberry ice cream.

Young man: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we’re all out of chocolate.”

Lady: “Oh, ok. Then I’ll have a half-gallon of vanilla, a half-gallon of chocolate, and a half-gallon of strawberry ice cream.”

Young man: “Ma’am, I just told you, we are completely out of chocolate ice cream!”

Lady: “Oh yeah, right. Well, in that case, I’ll have a pint of vanilla, a pint of chocolate, and a pint of strawberry ice cream.”

Frustrated young man: “Ma’am, do you know how to spell the word ‘van’ in vanilla?”

Lady: “Yes, V-A-N.”

Young man: “Good, do you know how to spell the word ‘straw’ in strawberry?”

Lady: “Yes, S-T-R-A-W.”

Young man: “Great, do you know how to spell the word ‘fuck’ in chocolate?”

Lady, after thinking for a few seconds: “There is no ‘fuck’ in chocolate.”

Young man: “That’s what I am trying to tell you,, there’s no fuckin’ chocolate!!” Originally Posted by Wizard of Ahhhhs

So, this pirate walks into a bar. He sits down at the bar and can't because he has the helm from a ship sticking out of his pants. The bartender is a little concerned but gets the pirate a drink. Finally he can't take it any more and says, "Sir, I'm sure you know, but there seems to be a helm sticking out of your pants." The pirate slams his beer down on the bar and says. "Yar! It be drivin' me nuts!"

lol.. thanks Vildara

So, this pirate walks into a bar. He sits down at the bar and can't because he has the helm from a ship sticking out of his pants. The bartender is a little concerned but gets the pirate a drink. Finally he can't take it any more and says, "Sir, I'm sure you know, but there seems to be a helm sticking out of your pants." The pirate slams his beer down on the bar and says. "Yar! It be drivin' me nuts!" Originally Posted by Vildara