Taylor - There is something very wrong with you.

oh yeah!! your momma! lol Originally Posted by knotty man

Good one. Well done sir!

It rubs the lotion on it's skin....

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jame_Gumb

If the #2 pencil is so popular why is it still called #2?

If a cow laughs hard does milk come out it's nose?

Would a fly w/o wings be called a walk?

It does this whenever it's told, or else it gets the hose again!

Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies. But I have lots of friends; babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises...gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy. I need one of those baby-monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious. It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece.
I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour. Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.

I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad. I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed. I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad.

I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed.

The odor wasn't improving. I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one. He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't quite know what to say. They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.

I like monkeys.

...The problem with being an escort and having a boyfriend is that the boyfriend always gets in the way of you making money.


God, it sucks to smell like sex all the time... Originally Posted by Natalie Reign

You've been having the wrong boyfriends.

It is not so important to be serious as it is to be serious about important things.

The monkey wears an expression of seriousness which would do credit to any college student, but the monkey only looks serious because he itches.

why oh why am I still looking at Aidan's bush? I'll manscape you for free, just to see what's underneath.

It Is What It Is.........Or Is It?

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.


People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.


I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them

a foreigner with a hispanic accent goes to get his citizenship. He is told he has to answer three English words correctly in a sentence. The words are pink, green, and yellow.

So he says. "the phone, it goes green green green. I pink it up and say "yellow!"

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them Originally Posted by St.Mateo

that is f'n brilliant!