Tell me a joke!!!!!!!

A man buys his grandfather the services of an escort on his 80th birthday. The girl arrives and says, ‘Hi. I’m here to give you super sex.’ ‘Oh thank you,’ replies the old man. ‘I’ll have the soup please.’

A young man had his girlfriend in his car with him, and they were traveling down the road at a fairly high rate of speed,

Girlfriend: “Slow down!”

Boyfriend: “I’m not slowing down until you take off all of your clothes.”

Girlfriend: “No, I’m not going to do that!”

Boyfriend speeds up faster. Boyfriend: “C’mon, take off your clothes!”

Girlfriend takes off her top.

Boyfriend speeds up faster.

Girlfriend takes off pants.

Boyfriend speeds up faster.

Girlfriend finally removes all of her clothes in hopes that he would finally slow down.

Boyfriend starts paying too much attention to the naked girlfriend and not the road, loses control of the car, and goes off the road… SMACK into a tree. The boyfriend is pinned behind the wheel of the car and the girlfriend’s clothes are strewn all over, torn to shreds from the impact.

Boyfriend: “Go get help!”

Girlfriend: “I can’t! I’m naked!”

Boyfriend: “Here, take my shoe off, tie it around the part of your body you don’t want seen, and go get help.

So, the girlfriend ties the shoe around her waist. She runs for about a mile and spots a gas station. She runs up to the man outside the station.

Girlfriend: “Mister, mister, help me! My boyfriend’s stuck!”

Man: “Lady, if he’s up that far, we’ll never get him out!”

I saw this on ESPN the other night - nearly laughed myself out of my chair!

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=...71667212,d.aWw

This one is inspired by the guy who got his junk amputated by mistake and the comment about compensating him by the inch.

The VA board was looking to compensate veterans who had been injured in the was. They told them they would pay $1000 per inch for any measurement on their body they could come up with.

First soldier in request to be measure for his height. At 6' 6" tall he took home an impressive $78,000 from the board.

The next soldier in said I want to have from the tip of my little toe to the tip of my little finger. He got $96,000 dollars.

The next soldier, a grizzled old veteran, told the board he wanted from the tip of his cock to his balls. The entire board looked stunned. After the shock of the request wore off the Chairman said, "Don't you want some other measurement taken. Even if you are the most well endowed man in the world that is $14,000 maybe $16,000."

"Nope, the soldier replied, from the tip of my cock to my balls."

"OK", the chairman said, "Please take down your pants so we can measure."

The grizzled old veteran dropped his pants and the secretary timidly approached with a measuring tape. She looked down and backed away.

"What's wrong," said the Chairman.

The secretary pointed down at the veterans privates.

"Good God man", cried the Chairman, "Where are your balls?"

"Along side a road in Afghanistan where they were blown off by and IED", replied the grinning Vet.

Q. Why did the pervert cross the road?

A. His dick was in the chicken.

smh lol

Q. Why did the pervert cross the road?

A. His dick was in the chicken. Originally Posted by lawyerinjeans

There's a shipwreck in the Pacific and the only two survivors are this rather homely gentleman named Bob, and Jennifer Aniston. After they spend the first month or so making the usual efforts of surviving and seeking rescue they fall into a daily routine that ends with them sitting around the fire at night.

After several months,Bob says to Jennifer, "You know, we've been here for months and I'm not sure we are ever going to be rescured, and... well, I'm getting really... you know, I have these urges. What about you?"

Aniston says, "Well, I think you are right, and, yes Bob, I'd really like to fuck you."

So they go at it like 2 drunk monkeys for hours. Afterwards, they are sitting around the fire with a great after glow and Bob says, "I know this might sounds strange, but would you do me a big favor?" Jennifer looks at him sort of funny, but then says sure, what is it?"

Bob says, "Would take some of the ashes from the fire, smear them above your upper lip and call yourself John?"

Jennifer looks at him weird, but thinks, what the hell.So she takes the ashes, wipes them above her upper lip and says, "Hi, I'm John".

Bob jumps up and says, "Holy shit John, guess who I'm fucking!!"

A couple driving home hit and wounded a dog on the road. The wife gets out and brings it back to the car.
" We need to take it to the vet. Its shivering, It must be cold, what should I do! " She asked.
" Husband replies"
" Put it between your legs to keep it warm"
But it stinks! She exclaims.
"So hold its nose" HAHAHA

A couple driving home hit and wounded a dog on the road. The wife gets out and brings it back to the car.
" We need to take it to the vet. Its shivering, It must be cold, what should I do! " She asked.
" Husband replies"
" Put it between your legs to keep it warm"
But it stinks! She exclaims.
"So hold its nose" HAHAHA Originally Posted by SexyKaylen

And the bullet blew his head completely off.......and he never saw it coming!!!

And the bullet blew his head completely off.......and he never saw it coming!!! Originally Posted by stimulatethemind

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice.

Q: What's 6" long, 2" wide, and drives prostitutes wild?
A: A $100 bill

Q: How does a prostitute scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck on his cock

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue and your in deep shit.

If a firefighters business can go up in smoke, and a plumbers business can go down the drain, can a hooker get layed off?

Q: How do you know if you have an overbite?
A: When your eating pussy and it tastes like shit.

If i told this one some where else oh well -

Why dont Ken and Barbie have any Kids?

Ken cums in a diffrent box !

Ladies, believe me when I say
That I'd like to kiss your pretty bootay
Fresh from soap and from water
Of course, better comes from the hotter
Butt please, don't skip to the spritz &spray