Good jokes

Blowjobs For Money A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free." The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

Why do dairy cows have long faces? Because they get their tits yanked on every day but only get laid once a year!!!

Why do dairy cows have long faces? Because they get their tits yanked on every day but only get laid once a year!!! Originally Posted by Mtnliving

there's a big jar of money on a bar, this guy walks in and asks the bar tender "whats that money for?" bar tender replies " that's for anyone that can make my horse laugh.." guy goes in stable, whispers in horses ear, horse CRACKS up, hysterically..

next day guy comes in bar and there's another jar of money.. asks bar tender " whats that jar of money for? " bar tender says " that's if you can make my horse cry.. " guy goes in stable, comes out and EVERYONE can hear the horse sobbing uncontrollably.. the bar tender say " how did you do that ? "
the guy says " the first day i told the horse my dick was bigger and the second day i showed him .. "

HOW TO STOP A GOSSIP
Maggie, the small town gossip and self-appointed monitor of church morals, was always one to stick her nose into other people's business. Most members of the congregation did not approve of her intrusions, but she was feared, so all maintained their silence.
She took that fatal step too far one day, when she accused Paddy, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the small town's only bar all afternoon. She emphatically told Paddy (in front of several others) that EVERYONE SEEING THAT PICKUP THERE WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING!
Paddy, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment then just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Paddy quietly parked his pickup in front of Maggie's house, walked home ....and left it there all night!!

I decided that every time my girlfriend gives me a blowjob, I'll put a dollar in a jar. At the end of the year, what's in the jar is what I spend on her Christmas gifts. Last year she got a McChicken.

Paddy went to the doctor because he was having issues with premature ejaculation...The doctor said "whenever you feel ready to cum too soon, fire a starter pistol into the air and it should prolong sex"...Two days later the doctor ran into Paddy and asked how it went? Paddy said "not good"....We were doing 69 and i felt myself cumming so I fired the starter pistol...Mary shit on my face, and bit my cock and the mailman came out of the closet naked with his hands up....

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:
"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."
He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."
"Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."
"But ya fuck one goat.."

An Irishman walks into a bank and shouts "This is a fuck up"....The teller responds "Don't you mean a stick up"....The Irishman says "No I said it right, I forgot the gun"...

Did you hear about the fly on the toilet seat?

It got pissed off..

What do u get when u turn a blonde upside down ?
A brunette with bad breath...

I decided that every time my girlfriend gives me a blowjob, I'll put a dollar in a jar. At the end of the year, what's in the jar is what I spend on her Christmas gifts. Last year she got a McChicken. Originally Posted by bo.phoenix

Hahahahah

Two Irish nuns were painting a room and didn't want to spatter paint on their robes, so they decided to paint naked...Seconds later there was a knock on the door...Who is it asks one Nun?...Blind man, says the voice...The two Nuns look at each other, shrug and decide no harm can come from letting a blind man in....They open the door and he says, "Fackinhell, cracking tits!!! Now where do you want the blinds?

Two Irish nuns were painting a room and didn't want to spatter paint on their robes, so they decided to paint naked...Seconds later there was a knock on the door...Who is it asks one Nun?...Blind man, says the voice...The two Nuns look at each other, shrug and decide no harm can come from letting a blind man in....They open the door and he says, "Fackinhell, cracking tits!!! Now where do you want the blinds? Originally Posted by hvacman

lmao....

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny member; very short and very narrow. "What can you do with THAT!?" exclaims the woman. "Why?" he asked, "What's the matter?" "Well," she replied, "it's nowhere near long enough. It'll never reach!" "No problem," he said and proceeded to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grew until it was quite impressively long. "Well," she said. "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow." "No problem," he said again and started pulling his ears. With each pull his member grew wider and wider until the entire measurement was extremely exciting to the woman. "Wow!" she exclaimed as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoined their normal partners and went off together. As they walked along the Earthling male said, "Well, was it any good?" "I hate to say it," she said, "but it was really wonderful. How about you?" "Well," he said, "It was the weirdest thing. She kept slapping me on the forehead and pulling my ears all night."

What's the difference between potato and pussy?

Pussy makes its own gravy...