Where is the sex in BDSM?

I have been playing the Domme role since I started providing two years ago. In fact, I tend to attract the submissive men whether they want to be tied up or not. When I see a man who has seen Pro-Dommes, they speak of how there is no sex except being allowed to masterbate at the end.

I don't care what they order off of the menu of fetishes a la carte. If they are paying, I will be amused whether or not my clit gets stimulated. If they are paying. However, when I go to lifestyle BDSM parties or even the Southplains Leatherfest Convention in Dallas, I see scenes but no sex. No tease and denial, no forced orgasms, no orgasm denial. I saw instead: beating, canning, cutting, slapping, flogging, cupping............pretty much pain and no pleasure.

Why do lifestylers play with no sex whereas most (95:5 ratio I'd say) of my clients wouldn't come to me if they thought that there would be no sexual tension/release during the session. I also notice that the most regular of my gents come back when the sexual tension starts at the beginning of session and lasts throughout.

I just don't see any of that sexy fun stuff at the lifestyle parties and I wonder WTF?

I went to a party with Devynn Von Tease once, she was my dirty slut. I took her with a strap on and told her to perform like a pornstar. "are you my dirty porn star? Put your pussy in the air and show everyone what a slut you are for Me!" "Yes Mistress!"

The patrons at the party thought we were weird and I never went back.

If you & Devynn had fun, who is anyone else to say 'weird'? The only possible valid reason I can think of for anyone else to disapprove of what you two were doing is that others were deprived of the pleasure of pleasuring directly with you. Even if that were true (and you didn't say it was,) too bad. You go to have fun, not simply to provide fun for others.

In private for the boys, its about denying them, that why they say it does not involve sex, they desire to be denied.

At SPLF, it is about gaining mainstream acceptance. In addition, everyone has sex, BDSM/Leather Events just do not allow sex in the public play parties for a variety of reasons including liability. But I have been to the dark parties at SPLF and indeed there is plenty of sex.

Trust me as a life long practitioner and Leatherman, if there was not sex involved in some fashion I would not be as involved as I am. To be it is all about sex from beginning to end, BDSM is about foreplay, power exchange is about foreplay, and in the end my sexual pleasures will be satisfied.

In private for the boys, its about denying them, that why they say it does not involve sex, they desire to be denied. Originally Posted by MasterTrucker

Isn't all of sex denied unless they have a session to have the release?

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At SPLF, it is about gaining mainstream acceptance. In addition, everyone has sex, BDSM/Leather Events just do not allow sex in the public play parties for a variety of reasons including liability. But I have been to the dark parties at SPLF and indeed there is plenty of sex.
[/QUOTE]

I was extremely disappointed with the SouthPlains Leatherfest. I saw guys telling their girls how much food to put on their plate as if they live the life everyday. I say "if they are really living the life, wouldn't the slave already know what portion of food to put on the plate? Yeah right."

Here is where LifeStyle Leather hit the mainstream road....

I do so hate to see this stuff, as I cannot play without some release....

Sadly, mostly in public it is about Sexually Oriented Business issues. You play for real in public, the cops go nuts and start arresting...

I went to a very well known Dungeon here in Dallas, took 2 Subs, THEN I find out I cannot indulge in any penetration activities...

I did get both of them off, rather explosively , but I went Home, Hard and frustrated....

So, Sadly, to show the Pain, the events have to forgo the pleasure... And no, I have no desire to do 24x7 Dom / Sub... they damn well know how much they can eat... Unless, of course, it is a prelude to some kinky play...

PPE

If it's a "public party", penetrative sex is usually frowned upon. In these instances it's all performance pieces. DD & SS - Dome Demo's and sub skills. It's the private parties that get more intense. BDSM is legal. BDSM sex in a public/semi public place isn't - well - fine line there. And yes, it's the mainstreaming that has done it.

That's what you saw.

SPLF has an excellent rep.

it has been my experience that most local bdsm organizations have both public play parties, which are as have already been described, and much smaller private parties which are basically open to all kinds of scenes and play and where intimate activies are allowed. i have been to a public party. i was set to go to one of the private parties here in austin, but unfortunately it fell through at the last moment. i really hope to go to a private party one of these days.

The party that Devynn Von Tease and I went to was at a private house. Like I said, they thought I was weird. The Leatherfest I went to had such violent scenes that some of the beaten couldn't even get up after several minutes and help. Their bodies were beaten into hamburger basically and I have serious doubts if they had any desire or capability to perform sexually afterward. I had thought that I would at least see some Goddess worship (if not oral, at least worshipping other body parts, legs, ass cheeks, feet.....) or some verbal domination (there was one couple, just one, that were verbal with each other. My favorite scene, if I had to pick, and one of the lifestylers told me that the couple bug him because they talk too much.

There is so much more than corporal punishment in BDSM, in fact, that is one of my least favorite activities unless it is used as a form of foreplay using extreme sensations with the release at the end. I just wonder if I am the weird one or if they are.

I have also found that lifestylers frown on Pro Dommes. Why is that? I practice both with much pleasure although always bcd as I just don't seem to fit in with the public players. Ah, such is life I suppose.

No sex in a bdsm scene is very dependent upon a) the players, and b) the location. If you are going to see a prodomme (as opposed to a provider who offers some of these services) then most likely the only sex that will be encountered is strap-on play. Some will allow the bottom to jack-off at the end, others won't. Most prodommes are very, very, very upfront that they are not prostitutes. And most don't like being compared to them, but say they are tolerant of what they do. An irony that sometimes I don't get...

Provider dommes seem to be far more willing to indulge in sex (duh!), but the ones I have met or talked to, well, I wouldn't put their bdsm skills at the same level as some of the prodommes I know. There is far more to the scene than getting an outfit at Hot Topic, some boots/heels at Electrique Boutique and your toys at the local adult bookstore. The really good prodommes have invested a lot of money in equipment, gear and outfits. Spending $300 - $500 on a corset is not unheard of, as well as getting good floggers ($100 or so ea), cuffs, inflatable gags, etc. Quality costs money. And then there is the small thing of actually knowing your craft. Being able to tie a bow-knot is not nearly enough when it comes to being able to use a rope to make a body harness, to suspend someone, etc. And to top it off the better ones can do all that PLUS fuck with the bottom's head - and do it all safely. It's certainly an investment in time and money to really get into the business and to stay there.

The other thing about sexual play is location. As was mentioned by others, penetration play is frowned upon or prohibited at public parties. Why? Because its an easy way to get arrested and have the venue shut down. It's a result of the local laws and ordanances. There are exceptions to the laws. For example, its illegal in a public place to fondle someone for pleasure... but it's quite legal to fondle them painfully. Our lovely legislature did not take into account pain = pleasure for some!

Now, you can also get around this by having a "private" party. These occur at places like SPLF, as well as Sanctuary, but they have to be labeled as such. And the tickets for them can't be purchased by walking up to the event. If they are purchased in advanced, and the party is labeled as private, it can be considered a private event, and therefore is not subject to the same public indecency laws. You can fuck and suck to your hearts content.

I know a lof of people have complained in the past about how Sanctuary limits the activities of people... but there isn't much else they can do if they want to remain open and as a community resource. We all know a little, ahem, 'cheating' occurs from time to time, much like what it does in the strip clubs. You just have to be careful and reasonable about those activities, and all is well. I much prefer having it around for a long time with the restrictions it has on it than to see it go away because someone can't keep their pants up (or skirt). There are alternatives and ways around the issue.

Its funny the sex is there when the Male plays the role of Dome...it is only rewarded when you are good or if you complete your tasks the right way...
I think for alot of Female Domes they have the power to cut off sex..
They seem to be cruel on purpose..
but it should be a reward to the male when he has finished his task...
I have been to those parties years ago when I was in the business...
I just came back about a month ago...
Its hard to advertise what you are and what you do.
And I really have to interview to find if someone is a real Dome or just exploring.
I its all about safety and when you find the right Dome its the best..
fantasy, Imagination, Fun,
I like your posts Taylor...

For those that are interested in a decidedly polar opposite view on provider dommes, check out this fetlife thread... http://fetlife.com/groups/13634/group_posts/407932. It's entitled "prosti-dommes: hookers who are NOT DOMMES".

It's, umm, well, interesting. I understand people taking pride in their work, and they are generally correct in that many pro dommes have the experience and skill to run a very good "true" bdsm session that is not focused around sexual pleasure. But for most that I've seen here, sexual pleasure and release are as equally important, if not more, than the bdsm aspect. Which makes sense, considering what it is that this board is here for.

The only thing that really bothered me reading postings in the group was the continual use of "Me"... as best as I can tell, the number of royal persona's who would rate a royal use of Us/Ours, etc is quite small. And what's up with the high number of goddesses in that line of business too? When you get your Domme plaque from the crackerjack box, does 1 in 3 automatically grant the finder special supernatural powers?

Sometimes I think I should just stick to masturbation... at least I've "Mastered" that...

I still wonder just where a deep personal relationship building such as BDSM has been materialized into something that removes the relationship. All I can figure out is whatever floats their boat, but for me, I prefer a relationship with my subs and their sexual release depends upon their performance as a sub and their ability to please me through their service. Its not just about the beating, cutting ect, its about service to another who you chosen to give that service to.

Oh thank God, I'm not alone. After all that build up to NOT have a release would (is) driving me nuts. Looks like I'm going to have to "clear the calander" and meet TaylorMadien.

Amen, Testify!!!

PPE