First Year Lessons Learned

About a year ago I began to explore the hobby. I knew absolutely nothing. In fact, I may have known less than nothing as I brought some completely erroneous, preconceived ideas with me. So I post this for the new guy lurking in the shadows where I resided a year ago.

1) Real People Are Involved. A sport, a game, a hobby … I prefer to think of encounters in this culture as a fantasy. I get the opportunity to immerse myself into a world that does not otherwise exist, and enjoy things that would not otherwise happen. To do so, necessarily involves another person, a lady. My lady is very much real. She thinks, feels and experiences emotion, pleasure, pain … she is a real live person. Treated with respect and courtesy she becomes an active participant in my fantasy, and the result is always something I could not have created alone. Many refer to this as chemistry, the mutual attraction of two people bonding, clicking, enjoying each other. My experience is that this chemistry only occurs with mutual respect and courtesy. Further, my experience suggests that if I am willing to treat others with respect and courtesy, it comes back to me many times over.

As a corollary, the attitude/vibe/kharma under which I schedule the encounter carries through the encounter. When I have rushed the scheduling, the encounter itself was rushed. When I took the time and care to set the stage for the fantasy with a little notice in advance, the ladies have always responded in kind...or more. Good things come to those who wait.

The hobby thrives on trust, respect and discretion. Violate any of these and face significant consequences. Read the boards long enough and you will find some of the most amazing soap opera drama - it’s like a wreck on a freeway, I just can’t help but look. At the root of every drama thread I have read is an action that violated the basic tenets of trust, respect and/or discretion.

2) Screening is Important. It is easy for me to understand why screening is important to the ladies. What took a little longer to figure out is why screening is important to me. A thorough screening process ensures the safety of both parties. On the male side of the hobby we have lots of available information about the ladies that we chose to see (more on that to follow). For the ladies, they have very little information when we make first contact. This is a dangerous world, and the lady must feel safe in order to provide the best experience. From that perspective alone, screening is important - it is directly related to the respect and courtesy mentioned above. Yet, it goes further. The lady’s screening process can also make me feel very comfortable. If she has little concern for her personal safety, I can only assume that she has even less concern for mine. However, when thorough screening is a part of the lady’s reputation, I feel comfortable knowing that she is serious about her personal safety and likely about mine as well.

A quick advertisement for P411. I have found that this service makes screening incredibly easy. In fact, since I have established a P411 account, I have not been asked for any additional information. I do not pretend to know what happens in the screening process, but I can say that some ladies review the P411 information quickly, and others take a little more time. I can only presume that there is some sort of contact between the ladies in the longer version. Either way, it has been an easy process from my point of view, and very much worth the subscription fee.

3) Research, Research, Research. There is a veritable plethera of information available on the boards, this one and others. From Reviews to Men’s Lounge (Premium Access is needed) to Co-Ed discussion to ISOs to Ads to Showcases to Another Realm (if so inclined) there is a ton of information available at your fingertips. There have been countless snarky posts that simply read “Search is your friend”, and they are right. Simply by reading the information posted on this site, I have found ladies that were exactly what I was seeking. Conversely, given some posts that I have read by ladies I thought I wanted to meet, I have been convinced that there were better choices available. Pictures can show a beautiful, arousing outside, research will reveal the inside. Where my attraction has gone beyond physical beauty to an attraction of the mind as well, the experience has been off the charts good. A couple of quick search tips: a) From her profile, you can find a link to all threads she has started or posts she has made; b) from any forum, in the upper right hand area you will find a “Search this forum” link. Insert provider name and all mention of her in that forum will be found.

When I decide that I would like to see a lady, I search for everything that I can find about her. For some of the larger than life personalities on the board, that is a lot of reading. For others, it requires a bit of a hunt, but it is there. Most of the ladies that I seek have websites and/or blogs. I make sure to read these as well. The ladies place a lot, repeat a lot, of time and effort into these sites. They will leave not so subtle hints about their expectations. When those expectations align with my expectations, I get the feeling that we will be good together.

Premium Access is very helpful for research. It allows access to the BCD section of reviews and to the Men’s Lounge, an area of the board for men only. Be cognizant that while only men post in this area, the information seems to be known by most of the ladies. A good sample of the male insight to the hobby can be found there, and after the drama is filtered out, the information can be quite useful. Premium access can be purchased or earned by writing reviews.

Regardless of the amount of research I do, the ladies are always slightly different than I imagine. Personality trumps text every time. However, as a direct result of research efforts, I am pleased to say that all of the surprises I have encountered have been positive.

4) Determine What I Want. This was perhaps one of the hardest things for me to do. Too sheltered for too long, I didn’t know what to ask for, or who to ask from. Although all of my hobby experiences have been good, when I began to get a better handle on what I wanted, they moved to great. The tag line I use “Only The Best” is a reminder to myself to stick to the criteria that I have set. Even as an old man, my hormones are easily swayed by beautiful pictures or a single sexy post. My best experiences have come when I have looked for a closer match to my personality, desires and fantasies. I like smart, flirtacious ladies who realize that the mind is as integral to amazing sex as the body. I don’t much care for drama. I prefer incall appointments. I value personal safety, both my own and the ladies, and have a newfound respect for those with good screening processes. I enjoy a personal connection, and when I find it, I am likely to return. And, I am an L3 level client - while L1 and L2 are enjoyable, they are merely an appetizer in my opinion. Put all of this together, cross it with my budget, and the universe narrows rapidly from the many, many ladies who catch my eye.

From there I make contact, and see if there is any spark in the communication. Depending on the lady, I have used a variety of contact methods from email to PM to chat. If it feels like we have a chance at a good connection, I schedule an appointment. Given the limited resources (time and money) that I have available, taking the time and putting in the research effort to make a good choice has proven rewarding - the ladies I have met have all been very special. And as an average guy, have also all been well out of my normal reach.

This is just my model. We All Like Different Things (WALDT), so it likely will not be a perfect match to others. I simply found it helpful to establish some sort of criteria to navigate through the hundreds of available choices.

5) Get a Mentor. As a newbie, I quickly realized that there was much that I didn’t know. I was incredibly fortunate to be coached by one of the best ladies I have met. Trust me, I was not smart enough to seek this out, she was just incredibly gracious and willing to share. On more than one occassion, she kept me from doing something incredibly stupid. At other times, she laughed at my thoughts/actions and then told me what I should have done. I am forever grateful.

The guys on the board will help you as well, if you have a bit of tact when you approach them. Remember, this community is an information exchange, meaning that things must flow in both directions. If you come off as just a consumer of information without contributing back to the knowledge base, assistance will not last long. If you find a person who has similar taste, exchanging information can be quite helpful.


This list is far from exhaustive, and I’m sure others will point out important things I have omitted. I am having a great time, and simply wanted to make it a bit easier for others to step into the game. Play hard, play fun, and play safe!

very nice post about your experiences.

i liked this sentence very much as it's something i tell folks - know what you want!
Although all of my hobby experiences have been good, when I began to get a better handle on what I wanted, they moved to great.

which is kind of a corollary to "be careful of what you ask for. for you just might get it!!"

and this also sums up my thoughts.
Remember, this community is an information exchange, meaning that things must flow in both directions. If you come off as just a consumer of information without contributing back to the knowledge base, assistance will not last long.
which is kind of a corollary to "give and ye shall receive."

i'm glad that things have worked out for you!!

WOW, Very well written, intelligent and accurate post. I was just thinking last night that I have just hit the one year mark and how much I have learned. My preconceived notions about "the hobby" have long flown out the window. Like you, I have learned so much about myself, other people and life in the last year.
Thanks for taking the time to write such a thought provoking post.

My first anniversary hasn't arrived yet but my experiences and conclusions are mirror images of Caleb's. Especially the part about a lady who mentored a newbie. She laughed at my notions too.

Respect ... Research ... Relax ... Thank you ladies and gents.

About a year ago I began to explore the hobby. I knew absolutely nothing. In fact, I may have known less than nothing as I brought some completely erroneous, preconceived ideas with me. So I post this for the new guy lurking in the shadows where I resided a year ago.

1) Real People Are Involved. A sport, a game, a hobby … I prefer to think of encounters in this culture as a fantasy. I get the opportunity to immerse myself into a world that does not otherwise exist, and enjoy things that would not otherwise happen. To do so, necessarily involves another person, a lady. My lady is very much real. She thinks, feels and experiences emotion, pleasure, pain … she is a real live person. Treated with respect and courtesy she becomes an active participant in my fantasy, and the result is always something I could not have created alone. Many refer to this as chemistry, the mutual attraction of two people bonding, clicking, enjoying each other. My experience is that this chemistry only occurs with mutual respect and courtesy. Further, my experience suggests that if I am willing to treat others with respect and courtesy, it comes back to me many times over.

As a corollary, the attitude/vibe/kharma under which I schedule the encounter carries through the encounter. When I have rushed the scheduling, the encounter itself was rushed. When I took the time and care to set the stage for the fantasy with a little notice in advance, the ladies have always responded in kind...or more. Good things come to those who wait.

The hobby thrives on trust, respect and discretion. Violate any of these and face significant consequences. Read the boards long enough and you will find some of the most amazing soap opera drama - it’s like a wreck on a freeway, I just can’t help but look. At the root of every drama thread I have read is an action that violated the basic tenets of trust, respect and/or discretion.

2) Screening is Important. It is easy for me to understand why screening is important to the ladies. What took a little longer to figure out is why screening is important to me. A thorough screening process ensures the safety of both parties. On the male side of the hobby we have lots of available information about the ladies that we chose to see (more on that to follow). For the ladies, they have very little information when we make first contact. This is a dangerous world, and the lady must feel safe in order to provide the best experience. From that perspective alone, screening is important - it is directly related to the respect and courtesy mentioned above. Yet, it goes further. The lady’s screening process can also make me feel very comfortable. If she has little concern for her personal safety, I can only assume that she has even less concern for mine. However, when thorough screening is a part of the lady’s reputation, I feel comfortable knowing that she is serious about her personal safety and likely about mine as well.

A quick advertisement for P411. I have found that this service makes screening incredibly easy. In fact, since I have established a P411 account, I have not been asked for any additional information. I do not pretend to know what happens in the screening process, but I can say that some ladies review the P411 information quickly, and others take a little more time. I can only presume that there is some sort of contact between the ladies in the longer version. Either way, it has been an easy process from my point of view, and very much worth the subscription fee.

3) Research, Research, Research. There is a veritable plethera of information available on the boards, this one and others. From Reviews to Men’s Lounge (Premium Access is needed) to Co-Ed discussion to ISOs to Ads to Showcases to Another Realm (if so inclined) there is a ton of information available at your fingertips. There have been countless snarky posts that simply read “Search is your friend”, and they are right. Simply by reading the information posted on this site, I have found ladies that were exactly what I was seeking. Conversely, given some posts that I have read by ladies I thought I wanted to meet, I have been convinced that there were better choices available. Pictures can show a beautiful, arousing outside, research will reveal the inside. Where my attraction has gone beyond physical beauty to an attraction of the mind as well, the experience has been off the charts good. A couple of quick search tips: a) From her profile, you can find a link to all threads she has started or posts she has made; b) from any forum, in the upper right hand area you will find a “Search this forum” link. Insert provider name and all mention of her in that forum will be found.

When I decide that I would like to see a lady, I search for everything that I can find about her. For some of the larger than life personalities on the board, that is a lot of reading. For others, it requires a bit of a hunt, but it is there. Most of the ladies that I seek have websites and/or blogs. I make sure to read these as well. The ladies place a lot, repeat a lot, of time and effort into these sites. They will leave not so subtle hints about their expectations. When those expectations align with my expectations, I get the feeling that we will be good together.

Premium Access is very helpful for research. It allows access to the BCD section of reviews and to the Men’s Lounge, an area of the board for men only. Be cognizant that while only men post in this area, the information seems to be known by most of the ladies. A good sample of the male insight to the hobby can be found there, and after the drama is filtered out, the information can be quite useful. Premium access can be purchased or earned by writing reviews.

Regardless of the amount of research I do, the ladies are always slightly different than I imagine. Personality trumps text every time. However, as a direct result of research efforts, I am pleased to say that all of the surprises I have encountered have been positive.

4) Determine What I Want. This was perhaps one of the hardest things for me to do. Too sheltered for too long, I didn’t know what to ask for, or who to ask from. Although all of my hobby experiences have been good, when I began to get a better handle on what I wanted, they moved to great. The tag line I use “Only The Best” is a reminder to myself to stick to the criteria that I have set. Even as an old man, my hormones are easily swayed by beautiful pictures or a single sexy post. My best experiences have come when I have looked for a closer match to my personality, desires and fantasies. I like smart, flirtacious ladies who realize that the mind is as integral to amazing sex as the body. I don’t much care for drama. I prefer incall appointments. I value personal safety, both my own and the ladies, and have a newfound respect for those with good screening processes. I enjoy a personal connection, and when I find it, I am likely to return. And, I am an L3 level client - while L1 and L2 are enjoyable, they are merely an appetizer in my opinion. Put all of this together, cross it with my budget, and the universe narrows rapidly from the many, many ladies who catch my eye.

From there I make contact, and see if there is any spark in the communication. Depending on the lady, I have used a variety of contact methods from email to PM to chat. If it feels like we have a chance at a good connection, I schedule an appointment. Given the limited resources (time and money) that I have available, taking the time and putting in the research effort to make a good choice has proven rewarding - the ladies I have met have all been very special. And as an average guy, have also all been well out of my normal reach.

This is just my model. We All Like Different Things (WALDT), so it likely will not be a perfect match to others. I simply found it helpful to establish some sort of criteria to navigate through the hundreds of available choices.

5) Get a Mentor. As a newbie, I quickly realized that there was much that I didn’t know. I was incredibly fortunate to be coached by one of the best ladies I have met. Trust me, I was not smart enough to seek this out, she was just incredibly gracious and willing to share. On more than one occassion, she kept me from doing something incredibly stupid. At other times, she laughed at my thoughts/actions and then told me what I should have done. I am forever grateful.

The guys on the board will help you as well, if you have a bit of tact when you approach them. Remember, this community is an information exchange, meaning that things must flow in both directions. If you come off as just a consumer of information without contributing back to the knowledge base, assistance will not last long. If you find a person who has similar taste, exchanging information can be quite helpful.


This list is far from exhaustive, and I’m sure others will point out important things I have omitted. I am having a great time, and simply wanted to make it a bit easier for others to step into the game. Play hard, play fun, and play safe! Originally Posted by Caleb

Wow! Great post. Glad I had time to read some today. Thanks for sharing and I know many will find it helpful.

"Well Written and Informative", says the New York Post

"Something every newbie should read", commented The Dallas Morning News

"The best way to get where you want to go in the Hobby!" - - Playboy Magazine

Nice post. I started to try to expound on some of the particular bullet points that I thought were more important, then realized they were all very important. Other than to say, I AGREE, except it took me closer to two years to fully comprehend some of these ideas, I really could not expound on the topics.

Great post. I've been in this for less than a year and have had a similar journey of learning. Great primer for those starting out.

Never forget how to download porn.

Caleb excellent post and lots of nuggets of truth. The only thing I want to add is to have someone in your circle who is willing to put you in check

Caleb, You have brains and beauty

Great post

Caleb ...Thank you for sharing your wisdom ... I'm still a Newbie trying to get the lay of the land - Jack

This hobby can be an amazing thing when people "get it". Thanks for the post.

Well written!! Thanks for sharing.

In regards to P411, make sure you fill out your profile with what you want. This helps to weed out the ladies that would not be a good match for you.