Top Ten Ridiculous New Year's Diets

Fancy's Top Ten Ridiculous New Year's Diets

An original excerpt from my blog:

Happy 2013! The month is nearly over, and how's that New Year's resolution to get into better shape going? Lose any weight other than the 2-lb diet book you tossed in the trash?

Like every other woman on every planet of every galaxy, I, too, obsess at least a wee bit about my figure, and think that a certain dirty word should be spelled DIE-IT. I know that the only real way to go about losing unwanted poundage safely is to eat healthier, smaller meals and get more exercise. However, here's some EXTREME diets I've been contemplating:

10. The Dental Lock-Up Diet: Have your dentist wire your jaws closed until all you can do is suck nutrients through a straw and hum when you want someone's attention. Also known as the STFU-About-Your-Weight Diet.

9. The Organ Donor Diet: Lose weight AND be a humanitarian. Yeah, you can part with a couple quarts of blood, but a kidney weighs 3 lbs and you have one to spare; you also have two lungs and losing one will take 11 pounds off the scale; that arm and hand you keep shoveling the donuts in with will subtract another 25 lbs on average; I'm sure those of us on the XL size could contribute several pounds of loose skin to a burn unit somewhere; the human brain weighs 3 lbs, and you DESERVE to have that removed if you try this diet.

8. The Third World Diet: A cup of powdered milk and a half cup of rice with weevils for protein per day, and soon you'll look like a pin-up model for Save the Children.

7. The I'm-So-Mad-I'm-Going-To-Eat-Worms Diet: Literally, eat worms, more specifically parasitic intestinal worms. You'll lose weight naturally and quickly. Eat what you want and sleep as much as you like, the parasites do the work for you. Of course, you'll have to crawl to the feed store to get a honking huge horse wormer pill eventually or you'll start looking like some critter the vet wants to put down.

6. The Zombie Diet: You'll look fashionably emaciated, but smell awful. (Not for social butterfly types.) You can do the world a favor and eat the brains of child molesters, mass murderers, and politicians. Public service.

5. The Homeless Diet: Eat only what you can scrounge out of dumpsters. Stay away from the garbage bin at McDonald's and go through the Whole Foods Market rubbish. Recipe tip: Day-old bread-stuffed rats toasted over a burning trash barrel are probably just as tasty and arguably way healthier than roasted hot dogs.

4. The Habanero Diet: Sprinkle everything with this nuclear-glow-in-the-dark hot pepper and you'll burn your taste buds out eventually. Even hot fudge sundaes won't have the same allure, but maybe the ice cream will soothe the blisters in your mouth.

3. The Alphabet Diet: Beginning with A, for 26 days only eat foods that start with each succeeding letter of the alphabet. "U" and "X" will be pretty lean menus.

2. The Chihuahua Diet: Eat anything you desire, but only as much as the average chihuahua is fed on a normal day. You'll be nervous, yappy, and want to bite ankles too!

1. The Hooker Diet: Lots of creamy protein shakes and sweaty bedroom gymnastic exercise. Oh, wait, I'm already on that one.

(My "trainers" need to step up the program and get inventive! I think I'm spending way too much time on my back.)

I've tried #8 but I called it the SURVIVOR Diet (after the tv show). Only I tried eating nothing but rice. It only lasted a day. LOL

#3 sounds interesting. Makes dieting more challenging.

ah ha ha Fancy, too funny!
@Tia..lol