Funny and Serious

First the funny part:

A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

'Fred,' he replies.

'Fred what?' the officer asks.

'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses him for the last name.

The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.

Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred..'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

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Now, the serious,

I was re-reading a thread from the end of last year regarding getting tested for VD and HIV at the State run health clinic. So, today I went.

I showed up at the Monroe County clinic (855 W. Main Street) at 10:30 and took a number (I was number 25 even though the clinic was already open for an hour by the time I arrived). After a few minutes I was called to go over basic paperwork and privacy policy stuff, then settled in for a wait. It took about 45 minutes to get to my number and I had a private examination (i.e. examination of my privates) by a chipper and very non-judgemental nurse who also took some basic history stuff. I was less than truthful about why I wanted to be checked and just said I had been with a lady I met at a convention last November and just wanted to be sure I was OK.

She discussed some basics about the tests they do and suggested a Hep B series of injections since I have not yet had them. Then the physical exam, where she actually palpated nodule on my testicle and called the nurse practitioner for a second opinion (not what I was hoping for as my first duo session). The NP didn't seem concerned and said I might mention it to my GP and to monitor things myself. No telling how long it's been there and no reason for major alarm since it did not appear to be fixed to the testicle. Anyway, good to know stuff.

The only discomfort was minor during the two penile swabs needed for chlamydia and gonorrhea cultures (which take a week to get results on). She examined for lesions and looked in my mouth, but took no oral cultures.

Then, she took a couple of tubes of blood for the HIV antigen test which take only 10 minutes or so to test. Negative in my case (yeah!) but only an indicator for the exposures longer than 90 days ago. That is, any recent exposures, within the last 90 days, will not have developed antigens that can be detected.

Last, the HIV counselor came in and we had some Q&A about lifestyle (again, I was somewhat less than totally honest) and gave a pretty good talk on safety, prevention, early detection, etc.

They offered the Hep B series again, asked if I wanted some condoms, and wished me well as they sent me on my way.

Total time investment was just shy of 2 hours which included an unscheduled fire drill where everyone had to leave the building for about 10 minutes.

Overall, everyone was professional and went out of their way to be as non-judgemental and pleasant as they could be. I registered with phony name and was not asked for proof or ID at any time, so totally anonymous. They did ask for phone number and e-mail address as part of the registration so they can send the results of the cultures. I provided a phony phone and my hobby e-mail. Thinking about it after the fact, I probably will set up a throw away e-mail account on GMAIL for future communications.

Glad I went and felt good about myself as I drove from the clinic to the provider appointment I had set up for today.

They do not always have the 10 min test for HIV. Its the most expensive test for HIV. But has a short shelf life. And area hospitals give it to them for free to use up. No matter what test you take for HIV. There is that time you can not tell.

A word to the wise to anyone who goes there. They are not confidential. Your record/visit there shows up on all your medical records for anyone in the health profession to see. Always give a fake name when going there.

Last time was there I used JOE CASZH as my name...