Don't shake his beer can before you give it to him, no matter how cute you think he might look with beer dripping off his face.
Never come up behind Sir and tie his flogger tails into bows!
neva eva hand smack his ass and say "good game Sir".
When he remarks via txt message that you really should be wearing a butt plug to your next boring meeting, do not snap a cell phone picture of yourself already dressed that is captioned: "too late...already dressed so nanner nanner you can't make me." Because, eventually, he will make you wear one all day and proceed to make you a custom ginger one to wear while in his company.
Never tell Sir: How can I possibly be submissive to you when I am obviously superior?
Apparently, "Mister Domly Dom" is not a proper title for master. The proper title would be "Sir Domly Dom, Grand High Poobah of Uber Domliness".
Once, in the bathroom getting each other ready for the day, i was sticking out my tongue and making faces at my Owner. i learned five things... Sticking out your tongue is rude and you shouldn't do it. Making faces often involves screwing up your eyes, which means you can't see as much of what's going on around you. There is antiperspirant in the bathroom. my Owner has excellent reaction times. Although antiperspirant has a color and texture that is vaguely reminiscent of butter-cream frosting, it does not taste anywhere near as nice.
Don't ever slip off the rope or cuffs just because you can. Don't grab the paddle that he was just using and tell him it's payback time. The same goes for a bottle of lube after anal. He does not appreciate that at all.
Do not draw faces on all the anal plugs and give them names.
Do not sing happy birthday and blow out the candle during wax play.
Do not sing anything you can do I can do better while being flogged, paddled, or spanked.
Do not tell him my knife is bigger than your knife.
If he tells you to not call him an Evil Mother Fucker and you hear instead Now tell me I am an Evil Mother Fucker ask for clarification before responding.
When he asks "how long has it been since you had an orgasm?" the right answer is NOT "what time is it?"
Do not kiss him awake with your teddy bear at 6am begging for blueberry waffles
One day I am going to find my poor sweet teddy bear decapitated. 
Answering the question of "Are you trying to get in trouble/be punished?" with any of the following: 1) ding ding ding we have a winner! 2) Who me? with sweet eye batting and an innocent look 3) Bought time you caught up! 4) Would I do that? 5) Do you need to be punished?
Go in the toybag and superglue the nipple clamps shut.
"Oh my god, where did you get those, they are gorgeous!!!" is not considered boot worship.
Hold up a scorecard after each blow delivered.
Responding with "Yes, All Wise, All Knowing Grand Imperial Weenie" is not appropriate when Master asks you if you are comfortable during a bondage scene.
Asking to go to the bathroom every five minutes while Master practices his Japanese rope work on you will try his patience, quickly.
NEVER never never buy side walk poppers and put them under the seat in the bathroom. When he goes to sit down and jumps 3 feet in the air after the poppers go off DO NOT LAUGH. Do not fall down laughing at the shock on his face. Do not point and giggle because He almost made a horrible mess. Do not promise to do this again. Do not hide the poppers and tell him you are all out, He can count. Do not call him master of the can.
When you are about to count out those last three punishment strokes, do not whistle 'It's the Final Countdown' when he asks you how many left.
Write out a copy of the 13th Amendment to the United States Constitution and, along with the Emancipation Proclamation, vehemently declare your freedom with evidence in hand. The Oscar won't be forthcoming... just sayin'