Fear no more...tonight Master Chef & BoLoGnAConnoisseur TOYZ is going to walk you through how to prepare a magnificent BoLoGnA & Velveeta Sammie Deluxe Dinner.
BoLoGnA, as you may know, is considered the meat of the Gods. Born eons ago on the hallowed hills of Olympus, BoLoGnA was considered as rare as a one trick a day Hoogar.
And while the legend is stated that HERCULES maintained his powers through his curly locks, the truth is that BoLoGnA fueled his superhuman strength and legendary cawk.
Now, through ages of breeding & steroid injections, finding BoLoGnA is as simple as going to your local HEB!
I am going to share with you the handed down for generations of the TOYZ family recipe for an amazingly gourmet BoLoGnA & Velveeta Sammie.
First, Buy some good quality all beef BoLoGnA from the DELI (never the packaged shit). Velveeta is a bitch to slice in the boxed style so get the pre-packaged slices.
DEPENDING ON THE HO!
Depending on who dat ho is, you might want to go with the deluxe version of this epicurean delight. I've added crispy BAKUN & very thinly sliced Capicola to tonights sammie. IF you don't know Capicola from your Assahola, you can sub in Pepparoni.
Any BAKUN will work, but I like Hormel Black Label which has a nice salty taste, but not overpowering...I also liked seeded buns. BUT BE CAREFUL! Make sure they are YOUR seeds. Nothing ruins an appetite like biting into some fresh buns with someone elses seed on them.
Now, you can't make a BoLoGnA & Velveeta Sammie and just throw it at her, (unless your into that kink), so you want to have a side dish. CHEETOS is an option for you super lame fucks, but for the sake of our demonstration, we're going to be a bit more creative.
We're going to make fresh sweet potato & russet potato French fries. For this, you will need a Mandolin with a 7mm French fry insert. If you think a Mandolin is an Italian Midget Guitar, you should stock up on Cheetos
Now...crispy BAKUN is an art. Not many know how to pull it off. They throw it on top of the stove, crank that fucker on 11, and cook it until the smoke alarm goes off. HERES the TOYZ cooking trick for crispy bacon every time. Lay the slices side by side in a baking pan (not touching). Turn your OVEN to 375 degrees. About 5-7 minutes in pull the BAKUN out and drain it. PAT the slices with paper towels to soak up excess grease, and put the BAKUN back in the oven. Most people wind up BOILING their BAKUN in the grease rather than letting it get crispy.
You want it DRY! You know dry right? Like that Hoogar that thinks you look disgusting? When you move down to her Kitty and spread the lips and its so dry that a puff of dust comes out? {{{PUFFFF}}}. THATS how you want your BAKUN.
GRILL your buns. Easy. Use a NON coated pan. Heat that fucker up hot. Put 1 tablespoon of butter in it and smush those buns into it. Smear 'em around nice and long so the butter gets all smushed up into the bread...let them brown checking every know and then to make sure they aren't burning.
For the taters...I use a cast iron skillet that I've had longer than either of my wives...fill that sucker about 1/2 full of lard or peanut oil. Don't cop out and use vegetable oil cause your just fooling yourself anyway. Once you both eat this cholesterol monster you're liable to have a stroke anyway. Heat that oil HOT.I put a lid over the pan to bring the temperature WAY up there. Then scoop equal parts white and sweet potato and drop into the pan. BE FUCKING CAREFUL all the temps cool and hot will boil up for a few seconds...if you stand too close you might look like Freddie Krueger soon, and its tough to fuck with 3rd degree burns.
(((And incase any of you aren't that smart...NEVER cook without pants on. Your Cawk will look kinda sad with grease burns.
DRESS THAT BITCH UP LIKE A PUSSY MAFIA GIRL ON VALENTINES
You are putting on a show for dat ho. You are already in, what, $20 on food and $37.50+ on the session???
Don't scrimp on condiments or ad ons. I like overripe tomatoes & red scallions. (They're little onions for the McDonalds crowd). And everything goes better with a little Grey Poupon it.
But be creative...BoLoGnA is a many splendored meat (kind of like my Cawk) and goes well with a myriad of additives.
BoLoGnA tends to bubble up (like mongers cawks at a social) and it helps if you cut two slices across the center of each slice. Toss those puppies face down in pan you grilled the buns in. Flip when "charred" on one side, cook another 4 mins or so, then layer the velveeta across the top of the magnificent
BoLoGnA. Put a lid on the skillet and give it a couple of minutes to bubble that cheese!
BUILDING THAT MOTHER FUCKER
The ORDER of assembly is important! Do you ever get a sammie and its soggie before you are finished? If this occurs one of two things is happening
1). You put the tomatoes directly against the bun
2). You are fucking jacking off instead of concentrating on cooking
Put the 1st layer (if a double or quad decker) on the bottom bun. Then the Capicola, then the second layer of BoLoGnA. with the melted velveeta, THEN the tomatoes, scallions, other addatives, LETTUCE if you are using it, then BAKUN...finish off with the top of the bun which you have put your dressing of choice on. In this case, it was amazing stone ground grey poupon.
Take the fried taters out of the grease and let quickly drain on paper towels. I like to simply put fresh cracked black pepper & fresh ground salt on them. You may do what you wish. (You can also dip them in a simple flour/milk batter and have fried battered taters-this also works for carrots/cauliflower etc).
Now again DEPENDING ON DA HO! You will choose your beverage of choice
If you plan on a non-stop-fuck-a-thon a Red Bull & a suggestive "Naked" beverage does the trick
For you Welcome Wagon Vultures, she probably hasn't gotten past fruity soft drinks and doesn't want anything to stick to her braces, so...
And BoLoGnA & velveeta sammies pairs well with a wide variety of red wines (NEVER white with BoLoGnA!! Show some class). Even if you don't have a 20 year old bottle of Pinot from the best Pinot vineyards in North America, a solid RIPPLE will do the trick too.
So the next time you want to take a Ho out and impress her with Trulucks, Sullivans or some other hottie totty place, remember you can get those panties dampened with a delicious, satisfying & creative BoLoGnA & velveeta sammie!!
This is your Chef TOYZ bidding you adieu & bon appetite
