Review: A Peek Behind The Curtain - A Hobbyist's Session With His SO

Ladies, you need to know what you're competing with.

Date Third Wednesday of every month and on my birthday
Provider My wife
Phone One of the six cell phones I inexplicably pay for
Email the_hag_that_steals_my_soul@ya hoo.com
Website bug.your.husband.com
City Dallas
State TX
Address Our slightly cluttered home...doesn't make sense because she doesn't work and sits at home all day...not working out
Appointment Type Monthly run-through
Agreed Upon Time We don't agree upon anything, especially when we have sex
Activities No kissing, No DATY, Absolutely no BBBJ, FIV...yeah right, FIA...you're fucking joking right, the same two positions we have been doing for ten years...in the same order.
Session Length 8 minutes...it was a good night
Fee $500k home, $65 SUV, 75% of what I earn, and the bitch will take half of my retirement even though she never worked.
Hair It looks pretty when she goes out with. Her friends, but tonight...that shit needs to be brushed
Age I don't know. I can never remember her birthday
Smoking Status No
Ethnicity White
Physical Description She used to be hot. Once we got married, she gained 20 pounds and stopped wearing makeup and heels.
Rest of the Story
So, it's the third Wednesday of the month and I know that usually means sex -night! I rush home, make sure that the house is spotless (I've been threatening the kids for two days), start the dishwasher and washing machine, put the dog outside, and brush my teeth. For good measure, I lit four candles in the bedroom and did my best to set the mood.

My SO, hereafter referred to as BlahBlahBlah, arrives in a foul mood. The lady that did her nails asked her if she wanted her eyebrows done as well. Well, apparently, that's code-talk for 'you need your eyebrows done white bitch' or so I'm told. I don't understand why women always think that other women are out to destroy them...I don't care either.

BlahBlahBlah walks through the bedroom and sneers at the number of candles that are ablaze. She says, "Did you shit in the bathroom or something?" I say, "No, Honey. I thought that you may find that the scented candles create refreshing/relaxing atmosphere." She frowns and says, "Um, they're all different scents. The smells don't go together and I'm getting nauseated."

Clearly things aren't going well at this point, but I soldier on. I blow out all but one of the candles in an effort to keep her from throwing up. I think it's okay now, but nothing seems to satisfy her.

BlahBlahBlah and I go into the bathroom where we both brush our teeth and slip into something more comfortable. Me in my Brazilian boxer briefs and her in a pair of sweat pants and a fucking turtleneck. Okay, not quite the sexy outfit I had in mind, but whatever.

We walk back into the bedroom and meet on the bed. BlahBlahBlah is staring at the ceiling and picking at her nails. I crawl slowly toward her on the bed. I begin to kiss her neck and cheek gently, eventually making my way to her lips. We share a LFK before she says, "Yuck, I can taste the toothpaste. Go rinse your mouth or stop kissing me." Well, I quickly rinse and resume the aforementioned activities, only to be told that she can still taste the toothpaste. Fuck it.

I stand to remove the Brazilian boxers and her 1930's Olympic Track Uniform. Just as the last stitch of clothing hits the floor BlahBlahBlah turns to me and asks, "did you take the trash out this morning?" I did, but why the fuck are we talking about it now? "Where's the dog? Have the towels gone into the washer?" I tell her everything has already been done.

I climb back on the bed and begin caressing her legs and breasts. BlahBlahBlah opens her legs and acts as if I should thank my lucky stars for the opportunity to have sex with her. I begin in mish, hoping that her mood will change as our bodies begin to slide delicately over one another. Within minutes she asks me if I'm ready to cum. "Hurry up, baby. Come. Gimmie that cum."

I ask her if she's close. She indicates that she is not and doesn't believe that she will be able to at all. She had a bad day at the spa and traffic was stressful.

I finish in mish, eight minutes or so after we began. BlahBlahBlah gets up quickly and goes to the bathroom. She cleans up a bit, puts the snow gear back on and heads to the kitchen for a snack. She left without saying a word to me.

Takeaway

There is a reason why men hobby. I love BlahBlahBlah...I do. However, if I compare an experience with BBB to an experience with say...Alyssa Nicole...I simply want to go back in time and kick my own ass.
Recommendation No

Hahaha classic.

Oh Wow thats way to funny!!!
Jaci

Now that's why I stay single. I knew there was some reason.

Is that what they call wedded bliss or is it wedded blitzkrieg?

Your wife sounds hot. What is her contact info? I bet she is into taint tickling and you just don't know it.

that's funny as hell

I don't know if this is more funny or sad....haha and sorry!!

I further understand why everyone keeps telling me never to get married. I'll bookmark this as a reminder!! Perfectly articulated!!

Dude, stop your bitch ass whining. The providers are well ahead of the game when it comes to knowing whats up with you lame ass cuddle feckers.

Stop cheating on your feckin' wife and work on improving your marriage. If that doesn't work, divorce her. And don't give me any of your "BlahBlahBlah" about kids and losing half your shit. You picked her. Man up and deal with the fallout.

Oh, and I need your SO's contact info. I'm sure two hours of PSE with me and my girlfriend will fix her up. And I won't even charge you. Merry feckin' Xmas!

I'm out!

I remember you said you were busy Wednesday, but WOW! I had no idea! LMAO!

Maybe you can try playing some soft piano music next time!

Very funny... what would make it better if you could get blahblahblah to get on here and write "her side" a review on you!! LMAO! oh all this would be your fault then lol!

I also don't believe this interaction... why would you brush your teeth twice?? ooohhhh busted!!! inconsitency! lol jk!! (sarcasm)

reason 278 that I'm single

"WHAT!!!! Nobody talks bout my sugar dumplin's eyebrows like that!!! You wait here sweet cheeks, I'm goin' down to that nail saloon and givin that little Asian spinner a good tongue lashing!...uh, don't wait up. . . "

Wow, it's like I was really there!! All I was missing was wearing my 3D glasses for the full effect. So real it hit home.


This is why we hobby.

This is a fake review! As Lolabrea said, we need to hear her side of the story. No real contact information for anyone to contact her. You lasted 8 minutes? I don't believe that! And on top of it, you have no pictures to prove it. No pictures, it didn't happen.

You didn't get your way so you wrote a bad review about her?? Just move one!

Outstanding effort, SW! Good to see a guy with a sense of humor and a willingness to share his experiences, whatever they may be!!