Wife threatens to "out" Husband

Wife finds out husband has been using escorts (his best friend was only "trying to help " when he told on him whom is no longer a bf lol)
She refuses to be intimate with him and has for a long time, yet if he discusses divorce she threatens to tell EVERYONE he has seen escorts-family, friends etc.

Long time marriage, 3 kids etc. I can't imagine someone wanting to do damage like that to keep from getting a divorce at the same time I cant imagine someone staying in such a miserable marriage, him or her.

Advise? What would you do?

Depends on the age of the kids. Anything he does will impact them so the question there would be are they old enough to deal with it. The second issue is what is the home life like. Is it a war zone? Or does she simply withhold sex. The third issue is he needs to have the balls to admit he has seen an escort if necessary. Blackmail only works if you allow it. While seeing an escort is a private issue it should not be a personal disister. The embarasement should be that he cheated on his wife. Who it was with is less of an issue.

Bottom line is there is no way to reasonably answer this with the limited information.

Thanks Laz . Youngest is in 6th Grade, lots of arguing, yelling at home , he lives in a town where everyone knows your business and seems to think seeing an escort is way worse than just cheating if others knew.

Well, a couple that I knew in a similar situation in a very small town, he had a few affairs and personally, I could understand why ... when he wanted a divorce all of that baggage came to the forefront.

He lost his job. Moved to another town. The children were poisoned against him. The town folk, including others that I knew, thought that he was dirt.

Good God what would have happened to him if he had been with a couple of escorts instead of a couple of co-workers.

Not sure that I have an answer but if they're God fearing folks and in close with a church group and the town IS small, he's going to go through hell.

And probably lose everything in the process. It's not going to be pretty. Never seen it end well for men who have strayed in this fashion. Sadly.

The righteous indignation of others is pathetic in these cases, though.

Elisabeth

If it were me I would call her bluff. (it might not be a bluff). Even if she's very angry she might not want all of it going public. If the marriage has gotten bad enough that it's constant fighting then the kids are better off if they split.
If it goes public there will be lots of talk for a while, but people get bored and find a new topic to gossip about.
I would also ask her if she realizes how him seeing providers reflects on her ability to please her husband. Her ego might stop her from outing him. Just my two cents.

I recently divorced after 24 years because my kids are 19 or older. The unknown question is should I have left sooner and avoided the kids dealing with the ex's drunking rages at me or stick around to provide them with a moderate example. I do not know the answer but living in a war zone is a problem. I guess the answer for him is if she is a good mom. The fact that he visited escorts shows their marriage was crap to begin with so that is not a big loss. If the kids will be fine then he needs to man up and fix the marriage if desired, not likely, or deal with the potential consequences of a divorce. A small town makes this difficult because everyone knows each others business but if this is the worst he has done it will blow over.

Thats why its such a dilemma as he states he is staying for the kids, normally this is a reason to NOT stay as growing up in a war zone is more damaging to the kids. Yet he fears the hell he would go through and her damaging them even more by what she is threatening is a far more bad outcome , oh and I asked about counseling and she refuses as she doesn't think she has a problem.
My advise was to man up as life is to short to be soooo miserable. Easier said than done though.
Wasn't sure if I gave the right advise.

IMO if a husband is ONLY hiring providers to accommodate his physical needs, then the wife is LUCKY.
I look at it this way... He is not getting those physical needs met at home. Instead of spending his time, effort, and AFFECTION going out with a mistress, he is simply paying for the sexual aspects to be fulfilled.
The fact that she is threatening to "tattle" on him to his friends and family is just sad. Chances are she just doesn't have anything else "bad" that she can threaten him with. If that is the ONLY thing keeping him from divorcing her, then the stigma attached to prostitution (for him and her anyway) is probably because of a deep-seated religious or moral conviction. If I were you... I wouldn't actually get involved by advising him in any way, shape, form, or fashion.
That is something they will have to work out. Just be his sounding-board if you wish, but I would back WAY off as far as giving out advice to this individual. It can backfire, as advice often does.
Good luck to all parties involved!
Misty

If he decides to go out in flames, my advice would be: don't forget to take your "best friend" with you. Make something up if you have to.

If he decides to go out in flames, my advice would be: don't forget to take your "best friend" with you. Make something up if you have to. Originally Posted by emptywallet

Thats the route I would go. If he strikes first saying she had an affair with the "best friend" and she doesnt have real strong proof of his hobbying it will de-value her claims he was seeing escorts because she will also be under moral scrutiny by the community for her indiscretion, no matter if it is true or not...

Prime example of what money can buy lol. She owes him nothing. Had he been a client, he could expect discretion, but he violated an oath that she thought was golden and now she can do pretty much whatever she wants.

I don't believe in cheating if the wife is not cool with it. I realize that's what most do here and I can respect that, but it's not for me. I don't believe in lying to the person I love especially for something as retarded as busting a nut.

I do however, think she should have some compassion for the children. By spreading this all over town, they are going to get word of it and hate their father...maybe they are entitled to that, but it's not about them. It's between 2 adults, and his love for the children has not changed.

If she had an affair with his best friend, she is trifling anyway and the two of them belong together.

I suspect based on what you describe that this will end up being ugly. You are in a no win situation. Other than being a friendly ear and support if you feel obligated you should back away. No matter what you advise even if you are right it will be bad. This is high risk for you.

On another note I agree with London. The first time he used a provider he set this in motion and he will need to deal with the consequences. Lying has a price.

Wife finds out husband has been using escorts (his best friend was only "trying to help " when he told on him whom is no longer a bf lol)
She refuses to be intimate with him and has for a long time, yet if he discusses divorce she threatens to tell EVERYONE he has seen escorts-family, friends etc.

Long time marriage, 3 kids etc. I can't imagine someone wanting to do damage like that to keep from getting a divorce at the same time I cant imagine someone staying in such a miserable marriage, him or her.

Advise? What would you do? Originally Posted by Sweet N Little

I would suggest a period of marriage/family counseling. A lack of intimacy always stems from a lack of emotional connection in a marriage. Divorce should be a last resort only after all other options have been exhausted!

Eh If I were him, I would leave - Move to a remote island, buy a wig, invest in Mac Cosmetics, change my name to "Bertha" and start a new life.

Trust me, I am smart enough to not "tell" him what to do, I merely just conversed with some suggestions, such as counseling etc as Laz suggested.

I just thought it was a horrible situation to be in and wondered why someone would do such a mean thing and yet want to remain in such an unhappy life....him or her.
She refuses counseling Casanova
And she has not had an affair, he confided in his best friend and he told on him thinking he was helping So he said lol he is probably boinking her lol
LMAO @ Naomi!!