I need some good jokes to use

I need clean jokes and not so clean jokes. I train people and its always good to have a few good jokes.

here's one

A police officer pulled over a car for driving to slow when he aproached the car there was a older women driving, 1 in the passenger seat and a older couple in the back. They all looked terified he asked the driver if she new why he pull her over and her answer was no, well mam you were driving 13 mph and the speed limit is 55. Her Reply was the sign she saw said 13, mam that is the hwy your on.
He asked the others if they were ok and they said no because we just turned off 151.

SHAGGY DOG STORY

An elderly spinster who was a dog lover agreed to look after and house her neighbors dog whilst the neighbors went on their holidays.

The only problem was that the spinster's own dog was a bitch that was on heat and the neighbors dog was a male. Nevertheless she had a large house and she was able to keep the two dogs apart.

As she lay in her bed drifting off to sleep the spinster was suddenly awakened by an awful howling and moaning sounds from downstairs. She rushed downstairs to find the dogs locked together, as dogs do when mating. The dogs were in obvious pain howling but unable to disengage.

Try as she might she could not part them and she was perplexed as what to do next.

Though it was 11:30pm, she reluctantly phoned the vet and after a few rings a rather grumpy voice of the vet answered the phone.

The spinster explained the problem, The vet said. "I want you to take the phone to the dogs and place it down alongside them. I will then phone your number back and the noise of the telephone ringing should make the male dog lose his erection and be able to withdraw from the bitch"

"Oh" Said the spinster. "Do you think that will work?"

"Well," The vet replied, "it just bloody -well worked on me!"

.............................. ......................

http://www.thefurrymonkey.co.uk/joke...ean.htm#shaggy

A priest decides he needs some time away so he hires a fishing guide to take him fishing. Out on the lake the priest feels a bit on his ole and begins to reel in a rather large fish. Once the fish was close enough to the boat, the fishing guide netted the fish and brought it aboard.
"Wow, Father that's a good sized son of a bitch"
"Please sir, I am a man of the cloth and I do not appreciate the kind of language"
"No, no Father you don't understand. That is the name of the type of fish it is. It is called a sonofabitch"
"Oh, well then that certainly is a big sonofabitch isn't it"

The priest happy with catch decides to head back to his parish but en route he receives a call telling him that Pope himself would be visiting in 3 days.
Upon arrival at his parish he was greeted by sister Mary who commented on the size of the fish he was carrying.
"That is certainly a large fish Father"
"Yes, it is a rather large sonofabitch isn't it"
"Father please, what has happened to you"
"No Sister Mary you don't understand. Thats the type of fish it is. Its called a sonofabitch"
"Oh Father thank the Lord. For a moment I though Satan had your tongue. I will take that sonofabitch of prepare it for the Popes visit but George will 1st need to clean that sonofabitch for me"
"Very good Sister I will speak with him"
The priest then goes to the shop out back of the church with the fish in hand.
"Brother George I have request. Sister Mary would like to prepare this sonofabitch in honor of the Popes visit but she has requested that you first clean this sonofabitch for her"
"Father please, what has happened to you"
"No George you don't understand, that is the type of fish it is. Its called a sonofabitch"
"Oh I understand. In that case I would happy to clean that sonofabitch for Sister Mary and we can serve it to the Pope on this grand table that I built in honor of the Popes visit.

The day of the Popes visit arrives without incident and at the end of the day they all sit down for a lovely dinner with his holiness.
The Pontiff comments that the fish is very delicious.
The priest responds. "I caught that sonofabitch just for you your excellency"
George responds "And I built this grand table for you to sit at while you at that sonofabitch"
Sister Mary responds "And I cooked that sonofabitch just for your visit Holy Father"
The pope, with a somewhat confused look on his face, leans back in his seat, scratches his head and says;
"You know what. You fuckers are alright"

Not to bad I liked them but i need to find some that are a little shorter. I train adults and their attention span is very short

A man and a little boy are walking into the woods at night. The boy start to cry. The man says "What are you, scared?" The boy nods, and the man says "Well how do you think I feel? I have to walk all the way back alone!"


What's the difference between jelly and jam?
I can't jelly my dick into a girl


Guy busts into his bedroom with a duck under his arm and wakes his wife from a sound sleep ...
"See, Honey! This is the pig I've been sleeping with!"
His wife says "But Dear, that's not a pig, it's a duck."
He says "I wasn't talking to you..."

Not to bad I liked them but i need to find some that are a little shorter Originally Posted by gamerfx

Thata what she said...

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up like an Alter Boy.

Why's divorce expensive?
It's worth it!

Cannibal 1: "Your wife made a great dinner!"
Cannibal 2: "Yes, but I miss her already"