Catholic Newbie Priest

A new priest at his first mess was so nervous that he could hardly speak. After mess, he asked the Cardinal how he had done.
The Cardinal replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
The next Sunday, he took the Cardinal’s advice. At the beginning of the sermon when he got nervous, he took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
- Sip the vodka; don’t gulp.
- There are 10 commandments, not 12.
- There are 12 disciples, not 10.
- Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
- Jacob wagered his donkey; he did not “beat his ass.”
- We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
- The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as daddy, junior, and the spook.
- David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit outta him.
- When David was hit by a stone and knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.
- We don’t refer to the cross as the “Big T.”
- When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper, he said, “Take this and eat it, it is my body.” He did not say “Eat me.”
-The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the cherry.”
- The recommended grace before a meal is not “Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.”
- There will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter’s, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.
- And that “faggot wearing a red dress”…It’s the “Cardinal” whereas, me.

Sincerely,

The Cardinal Monsenior xxxxxxxx

Lmao thats funny!!

lmao, too funny!!

You don't yell Oh God!

mess = mass?

lmao, too funny!!


Originally Posted by Sweet N Little

but more fun

Prior to his last mass and the first of his successor, the old priest told his replacement. "Whatever you do, you must keep Mother Green happy, she is a wealthy widow who's generosity keeps this parish afloat."

While the choir was singing the young priest noticed a middle aged lady on the first pew smiling at him; he also noticed that she wasn't wearing panties beneath her rather short dress.

"Is that Mother Green?" he whispered to the older priest. "No, my son, that's just the way the light is hitting it through the stained glass window."