Let me preface this by saying I'm an old guy, but reasonably intelligent and consider myself to be rather worldly and astute. At a Christmas event yesterday, something happened that made me think back over the years and reflect on my 15 years of marriage and realize that of many unanswered questions which arose during my life, the one I am relating now to our female friends on this forum has always perplexed me.
I was sitting with a close family friend who will be 90 years of age in January. There were many people scurrying about a large kitchen preparing a great meal and this lady asked her daughter and granddaughter "What are you all drinking?". It took several minutes, but it dawned on me that she didn't want to hear the response, "Dr. Pepper", but in fact wanted something to drink for herself. I asked her if that was in fact what she wanted and she said yes, she'd like some tea.
Is there a course in grade school named "Gender Communication:Fun With Secret Codes"?
I realized how many problems and issues could be avoided by just being direct many years ago, and wonder why this practice continues. I do not pretend to speak for all men, but personally, when I am in a relationship, I feel like Dick Tracy (sorry!) trying to figure out what the S.O. really means or wants or doesn't want. I hesitate to believe that this behavior is hard-wired and is instead learned. Can I go to the class?
Maybe that's why I am divorced now and in the hobby.
- Guest061614
- 12-26-2009, 03:12 PM
- Carrie Hillcrest
- 12-26-2009, 06:27 PM
It is learned. As an example, I present myself, who would have had NO idea the older lady was insinuating that she'd also like a beverage. 
I think the instances (older lady vs. your SOs) are similar but separate. The former is a manner of politeness that's gone out of fashion -- not wanting to embarrass your host/family by calling attention to their etiquette failures. It's a very "Emily Post" tactic: getting what you want (a cold drink) while allowing all parties to save face.
The stereotypical communication gap between men and women is a whole different beast, and not one I'm about to rodeo.
I think the instances (older lady vs. your SOs) are similar but separate. The former is a manner of politeness that's gone out of fashion -- not wanting to embarrass your host/family by calling attention to their etiquette failures. It's a very "Emily Post" tactic: getting what you want (a cold drink) while allowing all parties to save face.
The stereotypical communication gap between men and women is a whole different beast, and not one I'm about to rodeo.
- Dharma
- 12-26-2009, 06:41 PM
If it's an older woman, a younger woman is supposed to ask her what she wants and go get drinks for everyone who responded. Yes, my mother taught me these things. Her thing was "there's never an excuse for rudeness". It doesn't cost anything to be polite. If being polite and using manners to show people that I respect them is old fashioned then I'm old fashioned. I believe that the rules of society keep us civilized. <----That's etiquette.
Now, if a woman asks a man if he's thirsty, she's usually saying that she wants a drink without asking for it.<----That's code.
I will add this to the post. Society changes and while we can still be polite, we no longer engage in the intricate poses and dances of etiquette. It's perfectly all right to just ask the people we're close to, what they want. I find that direct communication is best for me and I don't get all bent out of shape if someone is direct. It saves time and takes alot of the guesswork out of the equation.
Now, if a woman asks a man if he's thirsty, she's usually saying that she wants a drink without asking for it.<----That's code.
I will add this to the post. Society changes and while we can still be polite, we no longer engage in the intricate poses and dances of etiquette. It's perfectly all right to just ask the people we're close to, what they want. I find that direct communication is best for me and I don't get all bent out of shape if someone is direct. It saves time and takes alot of the guesswork out of the equation.