To all of the self-proclaimed 'hot' guys

If I had a dollar for every guy who said, "I'm really hot" I could buy my own goddam island. And I'm not talking about a sand bar in the middle of Lake Travis. I'm talking island island. Somewhere with crystal clear water. And if I'm really lucky, Amazon will deliver to me there.

I am so fucking sick of guys who want a discount, or worse - a freebie - because they're hot. I'm sorry, but if you're *that* hot, your ass would be hitting out of the park on Tinder. But you're not, are you? You're here. Which means that something is wrong with you - at least in the eyes of the general female population (hookers are way less judgmental). Either you've got a small dick (I can handle that), or you're socially awkward (I can handle that, too), or you've got six toes on your left foot (hell, I'd give you a discount just to see that shit). But if you're hot and you're here, you ain't fooling nobody, bro. This here is the hobby world where you PAY for play. This ain't no goddam shopping catalog - Hoes R Us - where you get to pick and choose as you please and we should be oh-so-grateful that you, the hot guy, chose us. Fuck that. Your hotness doesn't buy my children Christmas presents. Your attractiveness doesn't pay my rent. *If* I wanted to fuck a hot guy, my ass would be on Tinder. Or I'd just fuck my kickboxing instructor. I'm not here to find a friend with benefits. I'm here to pay my bills and make people happy. You know what my job is? To relieve some of your stress. To make you a happier, less pent-up person. Because a happier person attracts happier people. Do you give a discount to the hot chick at your job? Does she get free internet? A free car? If all of the hot people got discounts and free shit, the world would cease to spin on its axis. So stop being an entitled little bitch and man the fuck up and pay up, just like everybody else, because your ass ain't special.

Some of you are asking, why the rant, Claire? Here's the story. I had someone ask about the CAH party. Then he asked about staying after. I said, 1) I'm usually pretty exhausted after playing hostess (the cooking, the cleaning, the hosting) that I don't play afterward (the ONE time I tried, someone else cock-blocked the whole goddam thing, and I watched the client walk around with the envelope in his back pocket the entire goddam time), and 2) it's my birthday the next day. This motherfucker asks if I need birthday sex. I said, "what makes you think I don't already have that planned? He asked again the day of the party and I said, "sure, as long as you have cash." His response was, "Oh, I thought this could be a friends with benefits thing." I'm sorry, I haven't even fucking met you, never fucked you, how the fuck are you presuming that 1) I'll want to fuck you, and 2) I'll want to fuck you for free??? I said, "Do you know what's better than birthday sex? Birthday sex that I'm getting paid for."

Thus the rant.

You know what I've discovered? The so-called hot guys don't know how to fuck. At ALL. Because no one has ever told them how to fuck properly. You know who my favorite clients are? The average guys. The below-average guys. Because they have to work at it. They have to try. They WANT to please you. You know what I've found out? Hot guys don't eat pussy. And even if they do, they sure as fuck don't do it very well. But average guys, below-average guys? Oh ho ho, they LOVE to eat pussy. They're willing to learn. They WANT to please a woman. And goddam, they're quick learners.

You know what's even better than the average guy or the below-average guy? The hot guy who doesn't haggle. Love love LOVE that guy. I have a few of those. This dude could get any woman he wants and he's here with me AND he's paying me. It don't get any better than that, people.

But my absolute favorite? The hot guy who doesn't know he's hot. The humble hot guy. The guy who is under appreciated. The guy who hasn't been reminded of his hotness. Do you know how many hot guys are out there who don't know how hot they are?!? Fuuuuuuck. I'd need some calculus to do that kind of math, because there are a fuck ton of those dudes out there.

So please, if you think you're hot, or you've been told you're attractive, do me a favor:

Don't ask me for a discount.

Don't ask me for a freebie.

Don't make it awkward.

I love daniel tosh's joke about beauty queens (about girls who aren't perfect but think they are), that ends with this:
you're going to have to just get used to the fact that you are not going to be a beauty queen, that your life is going to be more like guy's lives are: no one's going to be getting in line to date you...
And, of course, there are going to be guys out there who are just fooling themselves, thinking they are all that.

If I had a dollar for every guy who said, "I'm really hot" I could buy my own goddam island. And I'm not talking about a sand bar in the middle of Lake Travis. I'm talking island island. Somewhere with crystal clear water. And if I'm really lucky, Amazon will deliver to me there.

I am so fucking sick of guys who want a discount, or worse - a freebie - because they're hot. I'm sorry, but if you're *that* hot, your ass would be hitting out of the park on Tinder. But you're not, are you? You're here. Which means that something is wrong with you - at least in the eyes of the general female population (hookers are way less judgmental). Either you've got a small dick (I can handle that), or you're socially awkward (I can handle that, too), or you've got six toes on your left foot (hell, I'd give you a discount just to see that shit). But if you're hot and you're here, you ain't fooling nobody, bro. This here is the hobby world where you PAY for play. This ain't no goddam shopping catalog - Hoes R Us - where you get to pick and choose as you please and we should be oh-so-grateful that you, the hot guy, chose us. Fuck that. Your hotness doesn't buy my children Christmas presents. Your attractiveness doesn't pay my rent. *If* I wanted to fuck a hot guy, my ass would be on Tinder. Or I'd just fuck my kickboxing instructor. I'm not here to find a friend with benefits. I'm here to pay my bills and make people happy. You know what my job is? To relieve some of your stress. To make you a happier, less pent-up person. Because a happier person attracts happier people. Do you give a discount to the hot chick at your job? Does she get free internet? A free car? If all of the hot people got discounts and free shit, the world would cease to spin on its axis. So stop being an entitled little bitch and man the fuck up and pay up, just like everybody else, because your ass ain't special.

Some of you are asking, why the rant, Claire? Here's the story. I had someone ask about the CAH party. Then he asked about staying after. I said, 1) I'm usually pretty exhausted after playing hostess (the cooking, the cleaning, the hosting) that I don't play afterward (the ONE time I tried, someone else cock-blocked the whole goddam thing, and I watched the client walk around with the envelope in his back pocket the entire goddam time), and 2) it's my birthday the next day. This motherfucker asks if I need birthday sex. I said, "what makes you think I don't already have that planned? He asked again the day of the party and I said, "sure, as long as you have cash." His response was, "Oh, I thought this could be a friends with benefits thing." I'm sorry, I haven't even fucking met you, never fucked you, how the fuck are you presuming that 1) I'll want to fuck you, and 2) I'll want to fuck you for free??? I said, "Do you know what's better than birthday sex? Birthday sex that I'm getting paid for."

Thus the rant.

You know what I've discovered? The so-called hot guys don't know how to fuck. At ALL. Because no one has ever told them how to fuck properly. You know who my favorite clients are? The average guys. The below-average guys. Because they have to work at it. They have to try. They WANT to please you. You know what I've found out? Hot guys don't eat pussy. And even if they do, they sure as fuck don't do it very well. But average guys, below-average guys? Oh ho ho, they LOVE to eat pussy. They're willing to learn. They WANT to please a woman. And goddam, they're quick learners.

You know what's even better than the average guy or the below-average guy? The hot guy who doesn't haggle. Love love LOVE that guy. I have a few of those. This dude could get any woman he wants and he's here with me AND he's paying me. It don't get any better than that, people.

But my absolute favorite? The hot guy who doesn't know he's hot. The humble hot guy. The guy who is under appreciated. The guy who hasn't been reminded of his hotness. Do you know how many hot guys are out there who don't know how hot they are?!? Fuuuuuuck. I'd need some calculus to do that kind of math, because there are a fuck ton of those dudes out there.

So please, if you think you're hot, or you've been told you're attractive, do me a favor:

Don't ask me for a discount.

Don't ask me for a freebie.

Don't make it awkward. Originally Posted by Claire She Blows

i know im not the hot... but i LOVE eating pussy . and being instructed in how to do it

Wow, this is the funniest shit you have ever posted, and that's saying something. I love it!

My list of most entertaining posters: Eryn, Ms V, and now CSB

FWIW, I am average to the extreme.

shit, im so ugly even my shadow cant wait to leave once the lights go off.

I don't care how hot a guy is. If he says some shit like that he ceases to be hot. It says he doesn't respect you. A humble respectful clean cut guy is the best MAN period. And if he can't eat pussy... Get to steppin.'

Wow. What a well-structured rant. I'm serious. That was a god damned public service announcement. I say again, wow babe.

Daaaaaaaaayum!

Good shit

Charging the rates some of you ladies do, you'd think you would be a little hotter too

Ah knows Ah'm HAWT. At mah age, Ah git HAWT flashes awl tha time!!!

If I had a dollar for every guy who said, "I'm really hot" I could buy my own goddam island. And I'm not talking about a sand bar in the middle of Lake Travis. I'm talking island island. Somewhere with crystal clear water. And if I'm really lucky, Amazon will deliver to me there.

I am so fucking sick of guys who want a discount, or worse - a freebie - because they're hot. I'm sorry, but if you're *that* hot, your ass would be hitting out of the park on Tinder. But you're not, are you? You're here. Which means that something is wrong with you - at least in the eyes of the general female population (hookers are way less judgmental). Either you've got a small dick (I can handle that), or you're socially awkward (I can handle that, too), or you've got six toes on your left foot (hell, I'd give you a discount just to see that shit). But if you're hot and you're here, you ain't fooling nobody, bro. This here is the hobby world where you PAY for play. This ain't no goddam shopping catalog - Hoes R Us - where you get to pick and choose as you please and we should be oh-so-grateful that you, the hot guy, chose us. Fuck that. Your hotness doesn't buy my children Christmas presents. Your attractiveness doesn't pay my rent. *If* I wanted to fuck a hot guy, my ass would be on Tinder. Or I'd just fuck my kickboxing instructor. I'm not here to find a friend with benefits. I'm here to pay my bills and make people happy. You know what my job is? To relieve some of your stress. To make you a happier, less pent-up person. Because a happier person attracts happier people. Do you give a discount to the hot chick at your job? Does she get free internet? A free car? If all of the hot people got discounts and free shit, the world would cease to spin on its axis. So stop being an entitled little bitch and man the fuck up and pay up, just like everybody else, because your ass ain't special.

Some of you are asking, why the rant, Claire? Here's the story. I had someone ask about the CAH party. Then he asked about staying after. I said, 1) I'm usually pretty exhausted after playing hostess (the cooking, the cleaning, the hosting) that I don't play afterward (the ONE time I tried, someone else cock-blocked the whole goddam thing, and I watched the client walk around with the envelope in his back pocket the entire goddam time), and 2) it's my birthday the next day. This motherfucker asks if I need birthday sex. I said, "what makes you think I don't already have that planned? He asked again the day of the party and I said, "sure, as long as you have cash." His response was, "Oh, I thought this could be a friends with benefits thing." I'm sorry, I haven't even fucking met you, never fucked you, how the fuck are you presuming that 1) I'll want to fuck you, and 2) I'll want to fuck you for free??? I said, "Do you know what's better than birthday sex? Birthday sex that I'm getting paid for."

Thus the rant.

You know what I've discovered? The so-called hot guys don't know how to fuck. At ALL. Because no one has ever told them how to fuck properly. You know who my favorite clients are? The average guys. The below-average guys. Because they have to work at it. They have to try. They WANT to please you. You know what I've found out? Hot guys don't eat pussy. And even if they do, they sure as fuck don't do it very well. But average guys, below-average guys? Oh ho ho, they LOVE to eat pussy. They're willing to learn. They WANT to please a woman. And goddam, they're quick learners.

You know what's even better than the average guy or the below-average guy? The hot guy who doesn't haggle. Love love LOVE that guy. I have a few of those. This dude could get any woman he wants and he's here with me AND he's paying me. It don't get any better than that, people.

But my absolute favorite? The hot guy who doesn't know he's hot. The humble hot guy. The guy who is under appreciated. The guy who hasn't been reminded of his hotness. Do you know how many hot guys are out there who don't know how hot they are?!? Fuuuuuuck. I'd need some calculus to do that kind of math, because there are a fuck ton of those dudes out there.

So please, if you think you're hot, or you've been told you're attractive, do me a favor:

Don't ask me for a discount.

Don't ask me for a freebie.

Don't make it awkward. Originally Posted by Claire She Blows

THIS. So so true.

Now that is some funny shit. You can always refer them to Mocospace. Some guys swear by it.

The gentleman who prompted this rant formally apologized. All is right with the world again

Im ugly..... how about a freebie?