It has been a while since we've had a hobby related joke thread

I'll start with one I poached from somewhere else online.

A panda spent the night in bed with a prostitute. The following morning as he is about ready to leave, the prostitute yells after him, "Hey, aren't you going to pay me?"

The panda appears confused, so she throws a dictionary at him and tells him to look up 'prostitute.'

The definition reads: 'A woman who engages in promiscuous sexual activity for pay. '

The panda throws the dictionary back at the prostitute and tells her to look up 'panda.'

The definition reads: 'An animal that eats bushes, shoots, and leaves'

What's the difference between an epileptic farmer and a prostitute with diarrhea?

The farmer shucks between fits.

Was fucking this chick and after about ten minutes I said "you're really enjoying this aren't you"? She asked why I said that? I replied that every time I put it to you your toes curl up and your knees come up to your chest. She replied " you dumb ass, you never took my pantyhose off"

A guy walks into a bar with a beautiful woman at his side. He also has a midget on his shoulder. He orders a drink. When the bartender delivers his drink, the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a new $100 bill. He tells the bartender "keep the change."

The midget jumps off the guy's shoulder and kicks over the drink. So the guy orders another drink. Every time the bartender brings him a drink, the guy pays with a new $100 bill, and the midget kicks the drink over.

After about four times, the bartender asks "what's up with the midget?"

The guy explained that he was an archeologist. On one his recent digs he found a bottle, and when he rubbed it, a genie appeared and gave him three wishes. His first was to have a beautiful woman with him everywhere he went. The second wish was that every time he reached into his pocket, he would pull out a new $100 bill.

The bartender asked "what was your third wish?"

The guy responded "I wanted a twelve inch prick."

Here's a shorter one...

What’s the difference between your wife and your job?

After five years, your job will still suck.

Onboard the U.S. Navy ship visiting Japan was a first-timer in both Japan and a brothel. He requested a patient but passionate woman, and commenced the deed. As soon as he started, she whispered in his ear, " Machigatta ana."

He figured this means "Keep it up" or "You're doing great" or something similar, so he began pounding harder and harder. She kept saying it, louder and louder, until she was screaming it at the end. The young sailor figured he'd done quite well, and resolved to practice his newly learned Japanese.

The next day there was a public-relations golf tournament with the Japanese mayor, the U.S. admiral, and other dignitaries. On the first hole, the mayor made a hole-in-one. The young sailor exclaimed loudly, "Machigatta ana!"

Whereupon the mayor demanded, "What you mean - WRONG HOLE!"

The young newlyweds retired to the hotel for their first night. The young man had been pumped full of advice by the ol' boys, and knew just how to start the relationship in a manly way.

He handed his petite bride his trousers and said, "Try these on." No matter how much she cinched up the belt, they just slid off her slim frame.

She said, "I can't wear these pants."

He said, "That's right, dear, remember who wears the pants in this family. I'll be making all the decisions."

She smiled and handed him her delicate, tiny undies, saying, "Now you try these on."

But of course, he couldn't get them past his knees. He said, "I can't get into these panties."

She said, "That's right, and you won't, not until you change your attitude."

One guy is entering the whorehouse, one is leaving, and the third is inside.

Based on the above information, what are the nationalities of the each guy?

The guy entering is Russian.

The guy leaving is Finnish.

The guy inside is Himalayan.

Sorry to be off topic but I think you'll enjoy.

There was a grifter/conman in the 40's traveling by ship from the US to Europe. Running from the law for various scams. After a couple days he came to know the ships captain as he appeared well dressed, educated and respectable. After a few days of scamming the Cpt in bets the Cpt had had enough. He had been scammed enough and wanted to get rid of the grifter. When he sees another ship on the horizon he radioed the captain and asked if he was willing to take on the passenger. He warned him that he was a grifter and to be careful. The new Captain was educated, experienced and a bit cocky and said he would. So, they transfer the passenger and all is well. After a day the new Cpt decided to test the grifter and prove to the other Cpt his superiority. He challenges the grifter to beat him in a bet. The grifter accepts, and says that for $500 he'll bet a seagull will shit right down the smoke stack within 3 minutes. The Cpt looks around and there are no gulls in eyesight as they are hundreds of miles at see. He takes they bet. A few minutes later there was no gull flying anywhere near the ship. Accepting defeat the grifter paid the Cpt his $500. Feeling cocky, the Cpt asked if the grifter wanted to make another bet. The grifter said yes. He'd bet another $500 that the Cpt had hemorrhoids. The Cpt, knowing he had no hemorrhoids, accepted and asked how they would prove it. The grifter said it's easy, we'll simply have you put a white candle up your ass. If it comes out clean you don't, if it comes out bloody you do. Confident, the Cpt ran below deck and gets a white candle and sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and it is clean white and wins the bet. The grifter pays. Excited that he had bested the grifter twice, he radios the previous Cpt to brag of his success. Once he brags of this, the other Cpt says throw the SOB overboard with a chain around his neck. Surprised, the Cpt asked why. The other Cpt replied that before the grifter departed he bet him $3000 he'd have a candle up the other Cpt's ass within 2 days.

The first time I had sex was like the first time riding a bike. My dad was holding me from behind.

The first time I had sex was like the first time riding a bike. My dad was holding me from behind. Originally Posted by Alex Coxx

That's not a funny joke.

In fact, it sounds really creepy.

Is that why you became a hooker?

A woman had been suffering from hemorrhoids all her life, but was so thankful she'd found a doctor that fixed everything. She told her friends, "It was so easy, right there in his office. With my back toward him, he put his right hand on my shoulder, and his left hand...no, that's not right. He put his LEFT hand on my shoulder, and then put his right hand...no, no, that's still not right. That SOB had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"

Hey, they're not all rocket science jokes.

I told that bitch I'm leaving to find some new pussy. She said, "Hell, if you had two inches more dick, you could find some new pussy right here!"

What did the blind man say when he walked past
the fish market?


"Hello ladies!"




What did the leper say to the prostitute?


"Keep the tip".

Speaking of tips, did you know that circumcisionists don't draw a salary? That's right, you saw this coming, they work for tips.