Weird-O

Dave goes over to his best friend's house, rings the doorbell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, Nora, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, do you mind if I wait?"

"No, come on in." They both have a seat in the kitchen. "You know, Nora, you have the greatest tits I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks for a second and finally figures, what the hell, it's for a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows Dave one of her breasts. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and finally Dave says, "Nora, your tits are so beautiful... I've gotta see the two of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I can see them both."

Nora thinks it over briefly and again figures, what the hell, a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and gives Dave a good, long look. He thanks her and then throws another hundred bucks on the table.

Another ten minutes passes by... Dave can't wait around any longer, so he leaves.

A while later, Tony arrives home and his wife says "Your weird friend, Chris, came over this afternoon."

Replies Tony, "Did he drop off the two hundred bucks he owes me?"

Damn...only guy I owe has a fugly wife.

Tits vs. Dicks

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of tits are there?'

The father, surprised, answers,

'Well, son, a woman goes through three Phases.
In her 20s, a woman's tits are like melons, round and firm.
In Her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This pissed off the mother and daughter, so the daughter said, 'Mom, how Many kinds of 'dicks' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through Three phases also.
In his 20s, his cock is like an oak tree, mighty and Hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree'.

Christmas tree?

'Yes --- dead from the roots up and the balls are just for decoration.'

It's Susan's turn to pick the Saturday night movie, and to husband Tom's chagrin, it's one of those "chick flicks" - all dialogue and no action.
In the middle of an emotional scene, Tom crosses his arms in the darkened theater and grumps out loud, " This is actor is terrible, I don't believe any man would cry and laugh at the same time!"
Annoyed that Tom keeps stepping on the actors' lines, Susan leans over and whispers, "I bet you $100, I can make you laugh and cry at the same time."
"Oh yeah?" Tom sneers. "Give it your best shot."
"OK," smiles Susan, " You have a bigger cock than your brothers or your Dad."

A young man is invited to a family dinner with a lovely young lady. Anticipating some after dinner fun, he goes to the local pharmacy and buys a large pack of protection. As the family sits for dinner, the young man asks permission to pray over the meal, and presents a long, very impassioned prayer. After dinner, the couple leaves to continue their date, at which point the young lady states "You never told me you are religious," to which he replies, "You never told me your dad is a pharmacist"!

Ahaha. I have nothing to contribute other than a thank you for brightening my day

What do you do with 365 used rubbers? Make them into a tire and call it a good year.

drove out to east Texas to look at some property, went down a long gravel road and came to the sellers house, I knocked on the door and the biggest long hair, long beard, no shirt/with overaul's wearing dude answers the door. we come to an agreement on the land, and I mention there doesn't seem to be a lot to do in the area.....he says there's a soiree on Thursday night, I said what's that like? he says there's a little dancing, a little fighting, and a little fucking. I asked who's gonna be there? he said you and me.......