Let's keep it funny

Two potatoes are standing on a corner. How do you know which one is the prostitute?















IT has a sticker that says ........"Idaho"

TFF maam'
Like the new trend going on around here.

2 men walk into a bar.....the 3rd one ducks!

Why can't you play cards in the jungle?


To many cheetahs!

What the best pick up line for a blond?


Does this smell like chloroform to you???

The sad thing is... I might have fallen for that one..lol

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish. 
"I want to live forever," I said. 
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after all the Members of Congress (both houses) get their heads out of their arses!" 


"You crafty bastard," said the fairy, after a brief pause.

You know why God gave blonds one more brain cell than a horse?

So they won't shit while waving in a parade.

A Lady goes to Toys R Us to buy a Barbie doll. She tells the clerk that she needs to buy a Barbie but doesn't know what's available or price. The clerk replies "we have Tennis Barbie and she's $28" Lady asks "well, anything else?" "We have an equestrian Barbie, and she's $28". Lady asks "anything else?" "Well, we have divorced Barbie and she's $250" The lady replies "I don't understand why divorced Barbie is so expensive. The others were only $28. What is so special about divorced Barbie?" The clerk replied "Simple, she comes with Ken's car, his house, and all his other stuff."

the perfect day

The Perfect Day - Her

8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
9:30 Light Breakfast
11:00 Sunbathe
12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 Shopping
2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
3:00 Facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 Make love
11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms

The Perfect Day - Him

6:45 Alarm.
7:00 Shower and massage.
7:30 Blowjob.
7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
12:30 Blowjob.
12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six Heinekens, nap.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves graphic pictures and large farm animals).
9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab and leave. Midnight Blowjob. Sleep

Rox that sounds like a awesome day for me. Lets make it happen.

LOL, lets do the damn thang!

A blonde puts some change into a vending machine. She presses one of the buttons. A soda is dispensed. She shouts, "Yea!!!." She puts more change into the machine. Pushes one of the buttons. Another soda is dispensed. She shouts, "Yea!!!" She puts even more change into the machine. Pushes one of the buttons. Again another soda is dispensed. She shouts, "Yea!!!" A passer by has noticed all of this and finally asks, "What are you doing?" The blonde replies, "Duh!! I'm winning!"

A waitress notices a patron looking rather uncomfortable as he notes the "out of order" sign on the men's room door when exiting the ladies' room. She tells him to go ahead & use the ladies' room which is empty but don't press any of the buttons on the wall in the stall. He thanks her and hurries inside.

As he's sitting on the throne, he takes note of four labeled buttons: WW, WA, PP, TR. Of course, he can't resist temptation & presses the first. Warm water sprays his genitals. "Ahhh, how nice!" So he presses the next & warm air gently dries the water. He's thinking this is incredible! The third results in a puff of powder leaving his bottom fresh. At this point, he can't even imagine the paradise to come with the pressing of the last.

Next thing he knows, he's waking up in a hospital bed. The nurse looks at him and says, "Your penis is under the pillow. That button you pushed was for automatic tampon removal."

tee-hee

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've all heard about people havings Guts or Balls.
But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS- Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you
still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS- Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the butt and having the Balls to say:

'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death...

One day, an old lady was relaxing in the rocking chair on her front porch. She was rocking away when suddenly, *POOF*, her fairy godmother suddenly appeared. The fairy godmother looked at the old lady and said, "You have lived a good life and shown great kindness to others, so as a reward, I am going to grant you three wishes!"

The old lady was stunned, yet also thrilled by this wonderful opportunity. She thought for a moment and said, "Ok, for my first wish, I would like to be very wealthy."

The fairy godmother waved her wand and, *POOF*, the old lady's rocking chair turned into solid gold.

The old lady was amazed and delighted at this. She stood up and paced around for a minute as she contemplated her second wish. She turned to her fairy godmother and said, "For my second wish, I want to be a beautiful young princess."

The fairy godmother waved her wand and, *POOF*, the old lady was transformed into a beautiful young princess.

The, now, beautiful young princess was thrilled. She leaned against the porch rail as she considered what her third and final wish should be. She thought long and hard, but she just didn't know what she should wish for. Finally, her faithful cat strolled onto the porch and lovingly nuzzled up against her. The beautiful young princess turned to her fairy godmother and said, "I know what I want. For my last wish, I want you to turn my cat into a handsome young prince!"

The fairy godmother waved her wand and, *POOF*, the cat was transformed into a handsome young prince.

The young prince walked over to the young princess. He swept her up in his strong masculine arms. As he gently caressed her cheek, he leaned in and softly whispered in her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"


PocketRocket(s)