When Insults Had Class...

Hello... Reading This Made Me Pause To Laugh! I Hope That It Shall Make Others Smile, As Well!
-Warmest Always, Claudia Cole

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS...

-The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you
were my husband I'd give you poison," and he said, "If you were my
wife, I'd drink it."

-A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the
gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, Sir,"
said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your
mistress."

- "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

- "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I
admire." - Winston Churchill

-"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." -
Winston Churchill

-"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with
great pleasure." Clarence Darrow

-"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to
the dictionary." - William Faulkner
(about Ernest Hemingway).

- "Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big
words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

-"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time
reading it."

- "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I
know." - Abraham Lincoln "I didn't attend the
funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying that I approved of it."-Mark Twain

- "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -
Oscar Wilde

-"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring
a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

- "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there
is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

- "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you
here." - Stephen Bishop

- "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

- "He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in
others." - Samuel Johnson

-"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't
cure." Jack E. Leonard

- "In order to avoid being
called a flirt, she always yielded
easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

- "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on
it?" - Mark Twain

- "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -
Mae West
-"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they
go." - Oscar Wilde

-"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support
rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

-"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
-
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening But this wasn't
it." - Groucho Marx

Ahhh...love them. Thanks for sharing Claudia.
Whilst I by no means put myself in the league of those above, it did remind me of a one liner that I recently received. I never normally reply to such stuff but I couldn't help myself...

Him: Are you free? I need to hear a British Accent stat
Me; Then call the British Consulate in Boston. They have a 24hr answering service and are a lot cheaper than me.

At least he had the decency to laugh *smile*

c xx

Dearest Camille... Very Funny!
As well your last line.... Sage advise I must remember, for certain! Thank you!

Ahhh...love them. Thanks for sharing Claudia.
Whilst I by no means put myself in the league of those above, it did remind me of a one liner that I recently received. I never normally reply to such stuff but I couldn't help myself...

Him: Are you free? I need to hear a British Accent stat
Me; Then call the British Consulate in Boston. They have a 24hr answering service and are a lot cheaper than me.

At least he had the decency to laugh *smile*

c xx Originally Posted by Camille

Classic!

I do not recall with absolute certainty but the following exchange may also have occurred between Churchill and Lady Astor. In any event, the offended lady, with a grasp for the obvious, stated to Churchill, "You, Sir, are drunk." Paraphrasing Churchill's retort, he conceded, "Yes I am. Tomorrow, however, I will be sober. You shall forever remain ugly."

P.S. The following account, according to wikipedia, fleshes out the details of this encounter: "One of the more famous exchanges that Lady Astor is purported to have had with Churchill is as follows: "Winston, you are drunk." To which Churchill responded, "And you, madam, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning." In fact, Churchill was talking to Bessie Braddock, a Labour Member of Parliament."

Another favorite:

The artist James McNeill Whistler and the writer Oscar Wilde were at a party. Whistler made some clever comment, prompting the following:

Wilde: "I wish I'd said that!"
Whistler: "You will, Oscar. You will."

Funny Classics! Thanks for sharing.

Some of my favorites regarding Stupidity:

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. - Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. - Euripides (484 BC - 406 BC), The Bacchae, circa 407 B.C.

Get all the fools on your side and you can be elected to anything. - Frank Dane

Against stupidity the gods themselves contend in vain. - Friedrich von Schiller (1759 - 1805)

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. - George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950), Man and Superman (1903) "Maxims for Revolutionists"

To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost. - Gustave Flaubert (1821 - 1880)

The two most common elements in the universe are Hydrogen and stupidity. - Harlan Ellison (1934 - )

Ordinarily he was insane, but he had lucid moments when he was merely stupid. - Heinrich Heine (1797 - 1856)
There are more fools in the world than there are people. - Heinrich Heine (1797 - 1856)

There is nothing worse than aggressive stupidity. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe (1749 - 1832)

Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity. - Martin Luther King Jr. (1929 - 1968), Strength to Love, 1963

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? - Scott Adams (1957 - )

Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher education positively fortifies it. - Stephen Vizinczey, An Innocent Millionaire

Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. - Unknown

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege. - Unknown

Fools rush in where fools have been before. - Unknown

Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity. - Unknown, Hanlon's Razor

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered. - Voltaire (1694 - 1778)

Hello... Reading This Made Me Pause To Laugh! I Hope That It Shall Make Others Smile, As Well!
-Warmest Always, Claudia Cole

WHEN INSULTS HAD CLASS... Originally Posted by Claudia Cole

Claudia, those quotes are classics. Here's another favorite of mine. This one is less an insult and more of a friendly poke as these two men were friends.

The Great Depression was well under way when a despondent and downtrodden President Herbert Hoover happened to ask his associate, Secretary of Treasury Andrew W. Mellon, for a nickel to call a friend.

Mellon replied, “Here's a dime. Call up both of them!”

(lol)

"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."
— Dorothy Parker

like
"Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone."
— Dorothy Parker

like

"If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to."
— Dorothy Parker

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"I don't know much about being a millionaire, but I'll bet I'd be darling at it."
— Dorothy Parker

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"Don't look at me in that tone of voice."
— Dorothy Parker

like

"I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I'm under the table,
after four I'm under my host."
— Dorothy Parker

like

"You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think."
— Dorothy Parker (The Portable Dorothy Parker)

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"By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and sighing.
And he vows his passion is,
Infinite, undying.
Lady make note of this --
One of you is lying."
— Dorothy Parker

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"The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue."
— Dorothy Parker

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"They sicken of the calm who know the storm."
— Dorothy Parker

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"Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live."
— Dorothy Parker

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"What fresh hell is this?"
— Dorothy Parker (The Portable Dorothy Parker)

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"Heterosexuality is not normal, it's just common."
— Dorothy Parker

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"If I didn't care for fun and such,
I'd probably amount to much.
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn."
— Dorothy Parker

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"That would be a good thing for them to cut on my tombstone: Wherever she went, including here, it was against her better judgment."
— Dorothy Parker

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"I hate writing, I love having written."
— Dorothy Parker

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"Constant use had not worn ragged the fabric of their friendship."
— Dorothy Parker

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"Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both."
— Dorothy Parker

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"Now I know the things I know, and I do the things I do; and if you do not like me so, to hell, my love, with you!"
— Dorothy Parker

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"Tell him I was too fucking busy-- or vice versa."
— Dorothy Parker

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"She was pleased to have him come and never sorry to see him go."
— Dorothy Parker

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"And if my heart be scarred and burned,
The safer, I, for all I learned."
— Dorothy Parker (Sunset Gun)

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"That woman speaks eighteen languages, and she can’t say 'No' in any of them."
— Dorothy Parker

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"Ducking for apples -- change one letter and it's the story of my life."
— Dorothy Parker

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"This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. This was terrible with raisins in it."
— Dorothy Parker

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"Four be the things I'd have been better without: love, curiosity, freckles and doubt."
— Dorothy Parker

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"I'm never going to be famous. My name will never be writ large on the roster of those who-do-things. I don't do anything. Not one single thing. I used to bite my nails. But I don't even do that anymore."
— Dorothy Parker

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"I had been fed, in my youth, a lot of old wives' tales about the way men would instantly forsake a beautiful woman to flock around a brilliant one. It is but fair to say that, after getting out in the world, I had never seen this happen."
— Dorothy Parker

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"Drink and dance and laugh and lie, love the reeling midnight through, for tomorrow we shall die (but alas we never do)!"
— Dorothy Parker (The Portable Dorothy Parker)

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"I don't care what is written about me so long as it isn't true."
— Dorothy Parker

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"So, you're the man who can't spell 'fuck.'"
Dorothy Parker to Norman Mailer after publishers had convinced Mailer to replace the word with a euphemism, 'fug,' in his 1948 book, "The Naked and the Dead."
— Dorothy Parker

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"Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye."
— Dorothy Parker

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"Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses."
— Dorothy Parker

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"There's a hell of a distance between wise-cracking and wit. Wit has truth in it; wise-cracking is simply calisthenics with words."
— Dorothy Parker

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"Time doth flit; oh shit."
— Dorothy Parker

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"I require three things in a man: he must be handsome, ruthless, and stupid."
— Dorothy Parker

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"If wild my breast and sore my pride,
I bask in dreams of suicide,
If cool my heart and high my head
I think 'How lucky are the dead."
— Dorothy Parker (The Complete Poems of Dorothy Parker)

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"The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires."
— Dorothy Parker

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"Symptom Recital

I do not like my state of mind;
I'm bitter, querulous, unkind.
I hate my legs, I hate my hands,
I do not yearn for lovelier lands.
I dread the dawn's recurrent light;
I hate to go to bed at night.
I snoot at simple, earnest folk.
I cannot take the gentlest joke.
I find no peace in paint or type.
My world is but a lot of tripe.
I'm disillusioned, empty-breasted.
For what I think, I'd be arrested.
I am not sick, I am not well.
My quondam dreams are shot to hell.
My soul is crushed, my spirit sore;
I do not like me any more.
I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse.
I ponder on the narrow house.
I shudder at the thought of men....
I'm due to fall in love again."
— Dorothy Parker

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"In youth, it was a way I had,
To do my best to please.
And change, with every passing lad
To suit his theories.

But now I know the things I know
And do the things I do,
And if you do not like me so,
To hell, my love, with you."
— Dorothy Parker

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"If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you."
— Dorothy Parker

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"A little bad taste is like a nice dash of paprika."
— Dorothy Parker

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"He'll be cross if he sees I have been crying. They don't like you to cry. He doesn't cry. I wish to God I could make him cry. I wish I could make him cry and tread the floor and feel his heart heavy and big and festering in him. I wish I could hurt him like hell.

He doesn't wish that about me. I don't think he even knows how he makes me feel. I wish he could know, without my telling him. They don't like you to tell them they've made you cry. They don't like you to tell them you're unhappy because of them. If you do, they think you're possessive and exacting. And then they hate you. They hate you whenever you say anything you really think. You always have to keep playing little games. Oh, I thought we didn't have to; I thought this was so big I could say whatever I meant. I guess you can't, ever. I guess there isn't ever anything big enough for that."
— Dorothy Parker

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"Brevity is the soul of lingerie."
— Dorothy Parker

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"I'd like to have money. And I'd like to be a good writer. These two can come together, and I hope they will, but if that's too adorable, I'd rather have money."
— Dorothy Parker

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"I might repeat to myself slowly and soothingly, a list of quotations beautiful from minds profound -- if I can remember any of the damn things."
— Dorothy Parker

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"Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne."
— Dorothy Parker (The Portable Dorothy Parker)

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"Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it and it darts away."
— Dorothy Parker

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"I wish I could drink like a lady.
I can take one or two at the most.
Three and I'm under the table.
Four and I'm under the host."
— Dorothy Parker

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all quotes
add a quote
play the 'guess that quote' game

Yep... You have me grinning from ear to ear... Love it! Thank You Kindly

Speaking of Churchill, I always liked this one:

Winston Churchill walked into the men's restroom at about the same time as Labour Party leader Clement Attlee, who succeeded him as Prime Minister.

When Attlee headed for the nearest urinal, Churchill stepped a few places away.

"My, my, Winston," Attlee said. "Are we being a bit modest?"

"Not at all, Clement," Churchhill repled. "It's just that when you Labour Party chaps see something large, privately owned, and working well, you want to nationalize it!"

"My, my, Winston," Attlee said. "Are we being a bit modest?"

"Not at all, Clement," Churchhill repled. "It's just that when you Labour Party chaps see something large, privately owned, and working well, you want to nationalize it!" Originally Posted by CaptainMidnight

C xx

The Dorothy Parker Quotes are fun too.
Btw Claudia, welcome to the board. I hadn't realized yesterday that it was your first post. Enjoy!

C xx

And one of my all time favorites:

Vicomte de Valvert: Monsieur, your nose... your nose is rather large.
Cyrano de Bergerac: Rather?
Vicomte de Valvert: Oh, well...
Cyrano de Bergerac: Is that all?
Vicomte de Valvert: Well of course...
Cyrano de Bergerac: Oh, no, young sir. You are too simple. Why, you might have said a great many things. Why waste your opportunity? For example, thus: AGGRESSIVE: I assert that if that nose were mine, I'd have it amputated on the spot. PRACTICAL: How do you drink with such a nose? You must have had a cup made especially. DESCRIPTIVE: 'Tis a rock, a crag, a cape! A cape? Say rather, a peninsula! INQUISITIVE: What is that recepticle? A razor case or a portfolio? KINDLY: Ah, do you love the little birds so much that when they come to see you, you give them this to perch on. CAUTIOUS: Take care! A weight like that might make you top-heavy. ELOQUENT: When it blows, the typhoon howls, and the clouds darken! DRAMATIC: When it bleeds, the Red Sea. SIMPLE: When do they unveil the monument? MILITARY: Beware, a secret weapon. ENTERPRISING: What a sign for some perfumer! RESPECTFUL: Sir, I recognize in you a man of parts. A man of... prominence! Or, LITERARY: Was this the nose that launched a thousand ships? These, my dear sir, are things you might have said, had you some tinge of letters or of wit to color your discourse. But wit? Not so, you never had an atom. And of letters, you need but three to write you down: A, S, S. Ass!
Vicomte de Valvert: Insolent puppy, dolt, bunpkin, fool!
Cyrano de Bergerac: How do you do? And I, Cyrano Savinien Hercule de Bergerac

A lady who was known as Churchill’s main rival in parliament was giving a speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by yelling, “Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?” Churchill sleepily replied, “No, ma’am. I do so purely by choice.”