Wish I was a scientist

Sometimes I wish I'd been better in math and become a scientist:

Bras Make Breasts Sag, 15-Year Study Concludes:
http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/259073.php

and...

Squeezing breasts could prevent cancer, best study ever says:
http://m.now.msn.com/squeezing-breasts-can-stop-cancer

Getting to second base, the holy grail for hormonal boys, is now science: New research has shown that squeezing breasts could prevent malignant breast cells from causing cancer. This doesn’t give pervy dudes license to grope you on the subway, ladies, but it does mean boob-grabbing should be a regular part of your self-care routine (yes, absolutely try it DIY-style). Experiments found that physical pressure led cells back to normal growth patterns, and that even after compression was no longer applied, the malignant cells stopped growing. Spread the word, boob-lovers of the world.

Thinking about going commando and squeezing my dick here and there. Hey, if it works for boobs...

Does this mean we can offer cancer prevention treatments in exchange for sessions?

Lance Armstrong shoulda squeezed his nuts more; or maybe he did.