Lesson the First: Try to sync up your advertisements. I know its difficult keeping track of all the names you go by, websites you post on and rates you charge us dopes, but consistency is a mark of quality in a provider. It's frustrating researching a provider and discovering she has an ECCIE rate, a P411 rate, a BP rate, and a personal website rate, not to mention a "special" rate and a grandfathered rate she may have mentioned to you once upon a time but has since forgotten.
If we ask, we're wrong. If we bring the lowest rate, we're assholes. If we bring the highest rate, we're chumps. If we just bring a whole lot of cash, you start to look at us like we're human ATMs. I trust you understand our conundrum. So decide what kind of hooker you are: cheap and good for a quick throw, or GPS and worth every damn penny. Either way, we'll call and spend money. I promise.
Lesson the Second: Give us some kind of clue where we're going. What side of town is your incall on? Is it a private, quiet gated community? Is it a trashy, freeway-accessible notel? Will we have to valet our cars or pay for parking? Is it a confusing, labyrinth of identical apartment buildings? You get the picture. While we may understand and appreciate your need for privacy and security, texting us the address 20 minutes before our scheduled date, only to reveal that I'm going to have drive halfway across Harris County is god damned annoying. Discovering on arrival that parking is limited, my flashy car sticks out like a sore thumb or that I'll have to fork over $10 bucks for parking is god damned annoying. Trying to communicate via text, while creeping through a strange parking lot attempting to identify which of the nearly identical buildings hosts your incall is god damned annoying.
Lesson the Third: Please clean up your place. Stepping barefoot on another man's used condom is troubling. (I speak from experience.) Stepping on a fresh dog turd barefoot is troubling. (I'm still speaking from experience.) And while some may find a sink with your filthy, period-stained underwear sexy, most of us won't. (Again, I speak from experience.)
Lesson the Fourth: Wash your vagina and anus. We clean our scrotums, penis and anus before showing up and are even willing to do it again when we arrive... Houston traffic being the stressful, hot experience that it can be. I expect that you will too. I know you're a whore, you know you're a whore -- you don't have to smell like one to prove it.
Lesson the Fifth: Disregard what that one pussy-whipped faggot told you, none of us like "a little teeth" with our BBBJ. I'm not even going to acknowledge CBJ and it's many advocates. You people aren't even worth my time. Open your mouth widely when you blow us. If your jaw is sore, learn to type or take fewer clients a day.
Lesson the Sixth: Yes, we do look at your faces during sex. When you roll your eyes, sigh and look bored, glance at your cellphone or the clock, and/or wince in discomfort, we notice. Its not sexy, its not what we paid for and its not welcome. If your pussy is so sore that our needle-dicks are causing discomfort, please refer to the above lesson.
Lesson the Seventh: Supply condoms. (Special emphasis on the plural) A provider without condoms is like a mechanic without tools. First, it makes me wonder if you're not fucking insane. Second, it makes me believe you're trying to scam me. Third, it makes me resentful of having to do your job for you.
Accidents happen, it's part of life. One will rupture or become uncomfortable. You'll take a break and need a new one. Or you'll switch to anal and want a new one. They're cheap, so you should have a large supply of a wide variety and different sizes. Asking me to bring my own is like a hotel asking me to bring the mint for my own pillow.
Lesson the Eighth: Semen isn't made from acid. You don't have to behave like it is. Don't get me wrong, its funny as shit when you do, but it does spoil the mood. I understand if you don't want it in your eyes, that can't be comfortable. Or in your hair because that will probably take a long time to clean out. But everything else should be fair game. To go back to the mechanic analogy, you should be alright with getting your hands (and face, and even your mouth sometimes) a little dirty. It's part of the job. While I'll understand if you don't want to get it on your face or mouth, its probably going to send me somewhere else next time.
Lesson the Ninth: You're not as hot as you think you are. You may have to actually work to give me an erection. It's true. For the record, it is part of your job to make it erect. You don't pop the hood, disconnect the battery and loosen all the bolts for your mechanic, do you? Of course not, because the prep work is part of his job too, isn't it?
Lesson the Tenth: If I don't come, its because of you. I may not have the heart to tell you that. I may be slightly embarrassed that an hour of our time, and hundreds of my dollars all amounted to nothing. I may even be more interested in getting the fuck out of there, so much so that I'm contemplating faking a nut -- something that can actually be pulled off pretty easily. But if I don't come, its because of something you did.
You may not have shaved your armpits and that grosses me out. You may have a weird smell coming from your privates. You may have asked me, "Are you getting close?" (By the way, the answer to that question is always, "I was a second ago, but now I'm not.") You may still be dragging your teeth across my penis, despite my attempts to correct this. You may have spent too much time warning me to not to come here, here, here, here, here, here, here or here...
Either way, you fucked up and for the sake of the next guy, fix yourself.
Bonus Lesson: No, I won't lend you money. Either offer to fuck my brains out or don't ask. End of discussion.
There it is, a sample of my boundless genius. Revel in it and learn, ladies.
Jesus, that was fun. Now lets see this one go sailing off a cliff.
